Lost and Found
by breezer2
Summary: Revisiting all the times Sam and Jack thought they lost each other and how it finally brought them together. Now completed!
1. A hundred and two days

**A hundred and two days**

_Episode tag to 'A hundred days'_

They step out of the elevator and are welcomed by a chilly breeze. Jack takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to seem pathetic, but there's something in the air that smells like home. Last time he got to the base it was late summer. Unusual hot days. Now, a hundred and two days later, it is chilly. The leaves have turned into all shades of red and yellow, and he's beyond grateful that he can see this again. He had missed many things about home, and only now, standing on the cold parking lot, he realizes how many more things he would have missed. Showers. Beer. Hockey. Simpsons. Cake. A flight in the F-15. Classical Music. Those were the obvious things. But now he adds seasons, the smell of his basement, the stars over Earth, even the yearly calls with aunt Phebs.

Eventually, Jack remembers that Carter is standing next to him, waiting to drive him home. He's surprised that it's her. He had expected Daniel would do it, but he had excused himself. Something about a translation for SG-4 that needed to be done tonight. Daniel had escorted Jack to the elevator, where an airman was going to pick him up, but there was Carter. And Daniel, excited about finding Jack a better driver, had made her do it. Jack caught her hesitation before she said yes.

As he looks at her, he notices for the first time that she's wearing summer clothes. A skirt and t-shirt. Not nearly warm enough for leaving the house in the past days. Goosebumps have spread over her skin, and her pale face is even paler than usual. Only now, he sees the dark circles under her eyes, the drained expression on her face. As she stands there and looks into the sky, it almost seems like she is taking everything in as if she hasn't seen it in a while—just like he did. A shiver shakes her body, but she doesn't say a thing.

"Jeez, Carter when was the last time you left the mountain?" It's a joke at first, but then he realizes that it hits very close to home. He can watch her brain work and is pretty sure she's blushing as she shrugs her shoulders, then walks towards her car. Something makes him think of the day they left for Edora. He tries his best to remember, not quite sure why, but it suddenly seems important. It's coming back slowly. They met in the elevator, both sweating from the summer temperatures and glad to escape the heat down in the mountain. Jack joked about hoping Edora would be an ice planet, and Carter said that wasn't too much fun after all. So he said that some moments were quite enjoyable. He remembers how she blushed so adoringly and grabbed the hem of her flowery shirt when she looked down.

He watches her get into the car, and it hits him—it's the same shirt. Now it makes sense. Why Daniel was pushing so hard for Carter to drive him home. Why Janet was with her at the elevator, making sure she was leaving. It wasn't because of him. But because she hadn't left the mountain in a hundred and two days. She hadn't left the mountain since he had gone missing.

He stands there for a moment too long, so she rolls down the window and calls his name. Her name for him. It makes him smile. After being Jack for so long, Sir sounds much more familiar. At least when she says it.

He gets into the car and reaches for the heat controller, but instead, there's suddenly her hand. Rather than pulling away, they both hold their hands in place and slowly look at each other. It's the first time they touched since he's back. While Daniel, Janet, even Hammond had welcomed him with a hug, she just had that smile for him. And as he looks into her eyes, he understands why. Carter's perfect soldier-masquerade is crumbling right in front of him. But before this second face shatters, she looks away and starts the car.

"Wanna grab some groceries on the way? I'm pretty sure Daniel cleaned out your fridge," Carter says.

"Seems like space monkey was excited to get rid of me."

From the corner of his eye, Jack notices her flinch. Another crack into that facade she's trying to hold up. Jack, duh, he immediately regrets this comment, and as if to apologize, he says softly, "Groceries would be nice. I missed cake, you know."

Carter smiles but keeps her eyes on the road. He can't help but wonder about the uneasiness in her. The more Jack spins his head around it, the clearer it becomes that he wasn't the only one who thought he had lost something. Of course, he knew some people would miss him, but he hadn't expected that it would actually really matter to someone if he came back or not. That someone would spend 100 days to figure out a way to bring him back. One hundred days without even leaving the fucking mountain. Suddenly Jack feels embarrassed that he had given up. And about how ungrateful he was when they had picked him up on Edora. Jack thinks about the excited hobble in Carter's voice when she explained the solution they came up with. Stressing the 'they,' the team effort, yet Jack's pretty sure it was all her. But back then, he didn't even care. An unwell feeling grabs his stomach and twists it when he thinks about how he had just let her stand there, mid-sentence. The feeling gets worse when he recalls that he thanked Teal'c for risking his life for him—but not her. Suddenly he's overwhelmed by the situation. By being in the car with her. He doesn't know what those thoughts mean and especially not where this flutter in his stomach is coming from.

Jack feels the urge to apologize, to make her understand that he is so thankful for being home. Not only because he missed earth. Without warning, he drops, free-falling from 15,000 feet. Thoughts rush past him like clouds: The look on her face when he turned away from Laira and back to them. The glance Janet had shot her. How Carter had sneaked into his thoughts and dreams without him even noticing. The ground is coming closer, and he's falling without a parachute. The impact is an epiphany—he had missed her. Not just earth and stuff, but her. Specifically, her. He needs to repeat that thought over and over.

_Fuck_, Jack thinks, and then he's not sure if he said it to, because for the first time since they got into the car, Carter looks at him. He's afraid she can read in his face everything that's going through his mind. There's that specific expression in her eyes. The one she has when she dissects some alien tech or analyzes gate data, just now she's analyzing him, and Jack's pretty sure if someone can read him it's her. So he jerks his head away and looks out of the window. The supermarket lights are right ahead of them, and he itches to get out of the car and get some space between them.

In the supermarket, Jack can't focus, so he decides for a rhythmic pattern in which he pulls things out of shelves and throws them into his cart. Carter is right behind him, just following him as he haphazardly strolls through the aisle.

"Mister O'Neill," suddenly pulls him out of this thought-walk, and when he turns around, he spots his neighbor Miss Jenkins. The older lady always needs a pipe fixed or hedge trimmed, and ever since he moved into his house, she had chosen him as her helper. Not that he minds, because Miss Jenkins makes the damn best cake ever.

"Miss Jenkins, good to see you," Jack says and gives her his biggest smile.

"I haven't seen you in a very long time." The way she says it reminds him of his mother — a slight reproach in her voice.

"I was, uhh, traveling," he says.

"Well next time you'll let me know, will you? You were gone for three months, and the tree in my backyard needs to be cut down."

"I'll come by next week, Miss Jenkins." He quickly glances over to Carter, who seems to be amused by this older lady commanding her commanding officer. He rolls his eyes, and Carter's smile gets bigger—something that Miss Jenkins doesn't miss.

"Don't you want to introduce me to your lady friend?"

"Oh, ahh, this is Carter. We are…"

But before he can finish his sentences, Miss Jenkins interrupts him, "Carter? That's not a name for a lady."

Sam reacts before him—of course, she's quicker—reaches her hand out and says, "My name is Samantha. Samantha Carter. Nice to meet you, Miss Jenkins."

Miss Jenkins seems satisfied with Samantha and eagerly pats her hand. "Samantha, what a nice name. Jack should bring you over next time. We can have coffee and cake while he takes care of the tree. It's nice to have another lady around finally."

Jack is surprised by the cheeky wink she gives them.

Carter's flush turns into a full-on redness. "Uh, ah, we're just co-workers. The Colonel... Jack and I…," she stutters.

"Oh," Miss Jenkins says, and Jack can't help but notice the slight disappointment in her voice.

"Well, it was nice to meet you, Miss Jenkins. I'll come by next week and take care of that tree," he says quickly and maneuvers Carter away from her and straight to the register—enough shopping for today. As he watches his selection wander into the shopping bags, he instantly knows that he will have to go again tomorrow.

"Eggs, beer, artichokes, almonds?" Carter says with a tease in her voice. Ever since his big realization in the car, he had felt tense, but the way she says it relaxes him.

_It's Carter, common._

"Wait until you taste my breakfast," Jack jokes back, but as the words come out of his mouth, he notices how wrong they sound. Almost flirty. _Jeez, what's wrong with you?_ He thinks and focuses intensely on paying.

Silently they drive towards his house. Only when they're almost there, he wonders if Carter has food at home. If she hasn't been home in the past 102 days, her fridge must be as empty as his. For a brief second, he entertains the thought of inviting her in. But after that breakfast faux pas, he's not sure if it wouldn't send the wrong signal. He lets out a sigh. Since when does he wonder about sending the wrong signals to Carter️. They are co-workers, friends— there are no wrong signals. What just happened in the last hour? Last time he saw Carter, she was just his 2IC, and now there are butterflies, and it's all weird. As if to prove himself wrong, he decides to ask her anyways when they come to a stop.

"So I've got beer, and last time I checked, you could order pizza on earth. I believe I have an entire season of Simpsons to catch up on, wanna join?"

Jack sees her think the options through and then before she says something, he knows she'll decline.

"That sounds great, Sir. But I've got some things to catch up on."

"Sure thing, Carter. Well, see you Monday. And thank you."

"No problem, Sir. it's on my way anyway."

"Carter," Jack says and wants to get this right. "Thanks for not giving up on me. No one ever invented something for me." He looks deeply into her eyes.

"Any time, Sir." She smiles softly. This time there's no flush or shyness. Just his Carter, straight and honest. Oh yes, he missed her.


	2. Black and White

**Black and White**

_Missing scenes for 'Shades of grey'_

The blue puddle collapses with a whoosh, and for a moment Sam doesn't know what to do with herself. He's gone. For good. Back to the planet, she rescued him from—not even four weeks ago. Before Sam can lose her head in the spiral of thoughts about him and Laira, General Hammond says, "SG-1, briefing is in an hour. Let's get back to procedure."

He steps out of the gateroom, and Sam looks up to the control room where Daniel stands. She still doesn't understand what happened. Why the Colonel had snapped like this. After Daniel came back from the Colonel's house, he was so disappointed. Three years of what he had thought as a friendship, just a play. Who was that man who waltzes overall rules and moral standards and people that saved his butt more than once—people that had considered him friends? A one-way consideration apparently.

As Sam walks down the corridors of the SGC, she still can't come to the same conclusion as Daniel. She can't—won't believe that the O'Neill of the last week is the real one.

_"__I haven't been acting like myself since I met you. Now I'm acting like myself."_

The words echo in her head, and she wonders if she can ever walk these halls again without thinking about his betrayal. As dramatic as it sounds, but that's how it feels. She had spent three months working non-stop on a way of bringing him back because she couldn't give up on him. Because he is important to her. Slowly Sam realizes that this is the reason why she can't accept what happened. It would mean admitting that she had followed a man blindly, whose intentions had never been honest and sincere. That she had allowed her heart to wander into his direction—against all rules, against all the odds. Sam takes a deep breath, and when she looks up again, Colonel Makepeace stands right in front of her. The new man she's supposed to follow.

"Major," Makepeace says, and even though they've always been friendly before, it sounds different now. Like he wants to get the order of command straight. No question that he's the leader, and she just his 2IC.

"Colonel," Sam says briskly, not ready for a confrontation. Not with her head all clouded with thoughts of O'Neill.

"Briefing is in an hour," he states the obvious. Does he think Sam forgets just because Colonel O'Neill isn't her commander anymore?

"Yes, Sir."

Makepeace seems satisfied with her perfect soldier's response and heads his way. Sam lets out another deep breath, wondering why it had been surprisingly easy to follow O'Neill's command right from the beginning, and now, they hadn't even had their first briefing, and she was already mistrusting Makepeace. She flinches over that thought—especially when she allows herself to notice the flimsy feeling in her stomach ever since he had said, _"I haven't been acting like myself since I met you."_

* * *

Putting on her gear has never felt like such a burden. But she knows that the future of SG-1 is up to her. Daniel and Teal'c have voiced their dissatisfaction with Makepeace, and even though she knows that only Makepeace can prove himself worthy to them, she also knows that they will watch her closely. If she has confidence in him, they will too. It's not that following a new leader is something new. Neither is following someone she doesn't believe in. Her entire life, she had learned to follow, starting with her dad and then right into the Air Force. It had always come easy to her. Even when she didn't trust the people, she had always found a way to deal with it. Something is different now. Of course, she has grown as a person, as a leader herself. It feels weird to admit it, but she knows she's different because of Colonel O'Neill. He shaped her to become the Major she is. His honesty. His courage. His humanness. And it's right then when she attaches the SG-1 patch to her jacket, that she knows, there something wrong about this. This story isn't over. He would never do it. She hasn't lost him yet.

* * *

It's hours after the last meeting with the Tollan and the Asgards—and ever since this scam ended. She's in her lab, looking at the device Makepeace smuggled back to earth. As Sam connects the device with the gauge, she notices that someone just entered her lab. Without even looking up, she knows it's him.

"Sir," she says, and only after he steps closer, she looks up.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Just testing the device Colonel Makepeace smuggled back."

Sam notices how his eyes jump through the room. His hands reach for another piece of alien technology on the table, but before he can touch it, she moves it back and smiles at him. He seems to be relieved by this smile and starts to relax. Putting his hands into his pockets and rocking onto his heels.

"Daniel's still a bit angry," he says.

"What you said to him wasn't very nice. But he'll be fine. He needs some time to make you feel bad."

"Yeah," he answers and hesitates for a moment.

"It wasn't nice what I said to you either," he finally says and looks to the floor. When he looks up again, Sam is still looking at him. She's surprised to see the upset in his eyes.

"It's not true, you know."

She almost thinks he's blushing, but it's Colonel O'Neill right there. No giggles, no blushing. First, she wants to let him hang there for a bit. Just like he had let them hang and deal with it. But as he rocks back and forth and looks like a sorry schoolboy, she decides she can't.

"I know," she says.

He seems surprised. "You're not angry?"

"No."

"Good." He grins at her wildly. "Cake?"

"Why not." Sam smiles back with a flutter in her stomach, which she is sure, is caused by his boyish smirk, that just got bigger now.

O'Neill leads the way, and she follows. As they wait for the elevator, he looks at her from the side. There's something else. She can feel it and gets ready for it.

"Why?" he asks without any explanation, but she knows anyway.

"You're not that kind of person," she says and locks his eyes. First, she sees surprise, then a look that is hard to describe but feels like he's taken aback by the idea that she knows him. Maybe better than he knows himself. A warmth spreads on his face, sending another swoosh through her stomach. She has to force herself to look away before her face gives away too much.

Quietly they step into the elevator headed for some cake. And maybe, Sam thinks, maybe for another of those nice warm eye contacts.


	3. Vacation

**Vacation**

_Episode tag to 'Nemesis'_

"You know," Jack says as he swirls a blade of grass between his fingers, side-eyeing Carter with a cheeky smile. "This replicator thing was just a big scam to get you out of your lab and take some time off."

"So you and Thor plotted this?" Her eyes beam at him and tickle his smile to grow bigger.

"Actually, it was all Thor's idea. Those Asgards take vacation time seriously."

"Do they?" She's enjoying this carefree banter just as much as he is.

"Yup. Beaming me up, letting you play with his ship, faking his sickness—all Thor. Only the replicators were my idea."

"That's a dangerous one." Carter can hardly conceal her laughter.

"Yeah." He looks at her proudly, and eventually, she can't hold back anymore and lets her wide smile shine at him. Proud of having produced that one, Jack lies back in the grass and looks into the sunny sky.

"First, I thought about replicator humans instead of bugs, but that would have been too crazy," he says in eager anticipation of her reaction. And he's not disappointed because the next thing he hears is another giggle—a sound that sends a warm tingle through his body. _Maybe_, Jack thinks, _he enjoys making her smile a little too much._

The past four days since they had escaped Thor's ship and found asylum on P4X-234 has been all sunshine and Carter giggles and Teal'c's eyebrow wandering in unprecedented heights while he watched their exchange silently. Yesterday they tried to dial earth for the first time. Carter wasn't surprised when it failed. Getting the second gate up and running and that without her help would take them a bit. Strangely, Jack didn't mind. By now, he had quite some experience with getting lost, and so far, this was his favorite time.

Jack sneaks another look at Carter, letting his eyes linger for a moment; the sun on her face, the smile on her lips, the breeze in her hair—yeah, he could stay another day or so. He looks back up into the sky and slowly, lulled in by the warm sun and the victorious feeling of having saved earth yet another time, he dozes off. After the first attempt to activate the gate had failed, Teal'c left to stay with his son on Chulak. In a one time delivery, Teal'c supplied them with all they needed, and ever since then, it was just the two of them. Not so different from the fishing trip he had invited her to before Thor beamed him up, and the entire drama had started. Back then, he didn't think his invitation through. He had asked her just like he had asked Daniel. Only her surprise and hesitation made him feel that this could be considered inappropriate. That rumors would spread if the people at the SGC found out that the two of them spent time in his cabin together. So, after all, this was better. No rumors, just a bit of Carter time. It's not that Jack is surprised he enjoys hanging out with her. It's more surprising to him how much he enjoys it. They are good together. Of course, they did stuff like this all the time. Setting up camps and surviving in the wilderness is part of their job, but without a threat or a clear task, they still work well together. All that without getting into each other's hair, which he considers an outstanding fact given that he could be annoying in times. They quickly found their routine of doing the things that needed to be done and enjoyed the rest of the time like a vacation. Just like on this evening when they are sitting around a fire, staring into the darkest sky, trying to find stars they've been too. At least, Carter—he invents new star constellations like Marge Simpson or the Donut.

"Do you think this star in the Canucks shark fin has a gate?" he asks, pointing at some stars which, through the eyes of Jack O'Neill, do look like said Canucks shark. It says a thing about her that she has no difficulty seeing it too.

"Perhaps, if I had my computer, I could calculate its address and cross-reference it with the cartouche from Abydos…"

"Argh, Carter. That sounds like work, and we're on vacation, remember?" he interrupts her.

"Yes, Sir," she says with a smile in her voice.

They fall silent for a bit, and then Jack starts to wonder if he's the only one enjoying the time here and if Carter is just bored. "You know if you get antsy, you could go somewhere else. Anywhere basically. Like P3X-whatever. With that… that thing I had to drag you away from because it was so interesting." Secretly—also a secret to himself—Jack hopes he's not putting an exciting idea in her mind.

"Nah, I think you and Thor are right, vacation is good," Carter answers. "How about you? Would you rather be somewhere else? You could go to Edora, Sir."

The Sir follows after a brief pause. Almost as if it took her a moment to realize what she just asked him. By now,

Jack can hear the difference in the way she says 'Sir.' This one sounds like an apology.

"Carter." He's searching for the right words, and when he eventually finds them, they sound like a promise, "I'm not planning on going back there."

He's confused when he notices how important it is to him that Carter understands what happened on Edora happened because he was trapped there. He would never voluntarily leave earth and everything for another woman. When he thinks the words 'other woman', he gets scared by his thoughts. Carter can't be a woman to him. And especially not THE woman. He quickly shoves his thoughts away, points at another bundle of stars, and says, "This one looks a bit like Hammond."

It's worth a try to think of Hammond to stop thinking about her that way. For the next days, this plan seems to be working pretty well. The time passes uneventful, just how a vacation from a job like theirs should be. They enjoy each other's company, but none of those confusing thoughts creep back. On day 7 of unsuccessful attempts of going home, Teal'c comes back from Chulak, fashioning a golden soul patch on his chin.

"I have returned," Teal'c says as he steps closer to Carter and Jack, who lay in the shade of a tree, dozing through yet another day.

"Hey, T," Jack says. He slowly blinks his eyes open and immediately spots Teal'c's new facial hair. "Teal'c, you've got something…" Jack rubs his chin right where Teal'c's beard is growing.

"I have acquired a Nac'tel." Teal'c blinks proudly.

"A Nac'tel?" Carter asks as she gets up.

"When Jaffa reach their prime age, it will be shown by the appearance of the Nac'tel."

"Prime age? On earth, they call it a midlife crisis," Jack quips with a Carter eyer-roll as a reaction.

"Teal'c, is it your birthday?"

"You could call it that, MajorCarter. The 122 year after a Jaffa gets is symbiote is the most important day in the life of a Jaffa. I came to invite you to my celebration."

The prospect of cake, which Jack hopes to come along with a Jaffa party, gets him excited. "I could go to a party. Whatcha think, Carter?"

"We would be honored to celebrate with you, Teal'c," Carter says.

Teal'c bows his head slightly, and as they gather their few belongings and walk to the gate, Jack says, "There will be cake, right?"

It turns out a Jaffa Party has not much in common with earthling parties. For the past hours, they went through one ritual after the next. Right now, it's time for ritual combats.

Jack leans a bit closer to Carter and whispers, "They should bring out the cake now."

She chuckles, which earns her a dismissive look from a big Jaffa, who's sitting across the room.

"You should be careful, Sir. This big Jaffa over there has been sending evil looks at you the entire time. He might challenge you for combat if you don't behave," she answers, and he's surprised by how cheeky it sounds.

"Oh, I think he's just jealous that you're my date and not his," he answers and notices the slight blush on her cheeks. _Jeez, is he seriously flirting with her? _He looks into his cup and wonders if it has alcohol after all.

"You know, a girl likes it when guys fight for her," Carter says with a teasing grin.

_Oho, she's flirting back._

But before he can think about what that means, Bra'Tac leans closer and says, "O'Neill, this is the highlight of every Nac'Tel celebration. Please watch."

Jack flinches a smile. What did he expect from a Jaffa party given the crazy party animal Teal'c is? He leans closer to Carter again; this time so close, her hair tickles his nose and her smell his senses—only to not interrupt the highlight of the event, he tells himself.

"I guess no cake," he whispers. Suddenly Carter turns her head, and then her face is only inches from his. Her eyes grow wide, and unconsciously her tongue darts out from between her lips before she pulls the lower lip in and bites it. When she realizes what is happening, she blushes charmingly, smiles, and drags her eyes away from his.

_Well, this might be better than cake_, he thinks as yet another pair of Jaffa step into the center.


	4. Upgrades

**Upgrades**

_Episode tag to "Upgrades"_

There isn't one part of her body that doesn't hurt. Having superhuman powers had been the most exhilarating rush ever. But now that the armbands have fallen off and her muscles don't remember the strength they possessed for a little while, Sam can feel even the tiniest of them. Climbing into her jeans is like climbing Everest, and she needs to sit down for a break before she goes on to the next leg that is her jacket. When her body stops hurting, the memories of what happened on Apophis' ship come back. Her inner eye recalls the look on his face, and a sensation different to pain rocks her body. No man ever has looked at her this way. Loving, caring, willing to die for her.

Sam can't remember the exact moment she realized how she felt for him. Perhaps when he got lost on Edora. Her feelings had crept in slowly, secretly, and then with a sheer unignorable force. In his case, the realization had played out right in front of her. A performance of emotions—one stronger than the other and no chance to conceal them. First, Colonel-concern. Then the frustration of not being able to save her. The growing panic. The outburst of devotion. Finally, the realization of love. Shock, confusion, AHA all swirled up with deep affection.

The intensity of the moment threatens to overwhelm her. Sam tries to swallow the knot that has formed in her throat hours ago and won't go away.

Finally dressed, she steps out of the locker room and finds Colonel O'Neill leaning against the wall. Jeans, white shirt, the leather jacket that fits so nicely. It's not the first time that she notices how good he looks out of his BDUs, but it's the first time since she has admitted to herself how she feels for him. And the first time with the knowledge that those feelings might be mutual. She knows it's wrong. She knows it's forbidden, and nevertheless, it sends a smile on her face. It's the only muscle that doesn't hurt, but if she can't stop controlling this beam, it will soon. A nervous smirk spreads on his lips—he's not quite the always cool Colonel. Sam likes that she's the reason for it. O'Neill pushes off the wall and digs his hands into his pockets.

"Daniel wants a steak," he says. "And since you caused a brawl at O'Malley, we're making some at my place."

She enjoys way too much how his eyes jump back and forth between her and his boots.

"Teal'c and Daniel went ahead for shopping, and I'm...uh...here to ask you. Wanna come?"

It's thrilling to have this newfound power over him. It's so wrong to enjoy it but tell that a woman that has never felt so intensely for a man. Make it a woman that can clearly see how her presence alone makes said man blush the tiniest bit.

She should go home. Calm her head and stop her heart from beating a too fast pace for her CO. This is trouble, and unfortunately, Sam Carter is someone who is usually into that. It all started after her mother's death as a rebellion to her father. In the academy, there had always been another stupid as a reason to be rebellious against the establishment. But this time it's different. Even though it feels big and profound and probably life-changing—more than anything else she has ever felt before—it can't happen. They are good together. Good at fighting the Goa'ulds. Good at making allies. Good at coming up with wakey plans that save the world. It's all that matters at the moment: The war they are fighting. Without wanting to sound big-headed, they are playing a crucial part in winning it.

"Steak sounds good," Sam says as a dispute to the thoughts that rush through her head. And so they stroll towards the elevator. When an airman comes their way, the Colonel stays by her side, the back of his hand lightly brushing hers. An ordinary touch that ignites her beam again. _Goddammit Sam, stop it already._

While the elevator works it's way up Sam stands quietly wedged into the corner far from him, mostly because SG- has squeezed in last minute. Major Wade is trying to get Colonel O'Neill to talk about the wristbands and how cool the superpowers have been. The Colonel answers unwillingly.

"Sounds like it was a tight safe in the end?" Wade says, and Sam is surprised how quickly gossip travels in the mountain.

"You know us. We always find a loophole," Colonel O'Neill answers his glance hushing over to her.

"Sometimes you make us look bad, Jack. Always willing to stay back even if it means dying with a team member." Wade says. It's sincere, but it lets Sam's inner alarm bell ring. Before the Colonel can answer the doors open and SG-3 steps out, leaving him and her in the vacuum of the earlier conversation.

Eventually, he breaks the silence. "It was too close."

When she looks into his eyes, it's all there again. His feelings play out once more. Without the force field between them, it's much harder to counter his look. Without the force field, she needs to hold herself back, and only now she admits to herself that she would have kissed him if it weren't for that shield. The wish to do so becomes overwhelming, and she lowers her eyes, cursing her skin to give everything away with a deep blush that covers her cheeks.

"It was," she whispers.

"I couldn't leave you behind," he says, and it feels like his sentence is missing a word. Something like 'ever.' This gap hangs between them, and she could swear she hears his heart pound in his chest. Before she can say anything, the doors open, and a group of airmen comes in. They're mid-conversation and don't seem to recognize the two members of mountain-famous SG-1. Accidentally one bumps into Sam. In retrospect, it's a very light bump—no reason at all to stumble sidewards right into the arms of Colonel O'Neill. But here she is. Before she can overthink it, his hands tightened around her arms, then the elevator doors open again, and the airmen step out. When the doors close, he's still holding her—with his hands and equally with his eyes. It takes all the power she possesses to suppress the urge to lean forward and kiss him. And if he keeps looking at her this way, it's a battle she's going to lose.

_Get yourself together_, she thinks, but neither moves her eyes nor her body away. On the contrary, she can't help but bite her lip as if she is trying to get an idea of how Jack's lips on hers would feel.

_SAM!_

As if the Colonel can hear her inner voice screaming, he drops his arms and takes a step back just in time before the elevator doors open to the world outside. He gestures her to get out first.

Like so many times before, stepping out of the elevator means stepping into a world where Apophis doesn't exist, where no Replicators are threatening to destroy Earth, or Atoneek Armbands are a thing of superhero movies. Just like many times before, Sam tries to leave everything in the mountain—the world between the worlds. Not that the flutter in her stomach caused by his aftershave is allowed there. But under no circumstances can she allow to bring those feelings into the real world. If she starts to wonder how it would be to wake up in his arms, to spend an evening watching TV together, to brush teeth next to each other, it will become too real. Then there is no way back. Feeling all those feelings works on an alien planet or in the eye of death because the next thought will go back to the mission. Out here, it would be uncontrollable, and she knows herself well enough to admit that actions would follow.

Really, she should be going home. Not because she enjoys this spark between them, but because she's afraid of what it would ignite. However, she decides to join the guys for dinner. To deal with it, she needs to ignore it, and the best way to do so is to pretend it doesn't influence her. To pretend it's not there. She can do it. Has practice with it. She pretended when her mom died, and when her father and brother started fighting. She pretended when she realized that Hanson was an ass and when she first noticed her feelings for Jack. She has gotten good at it. Maybe this was why she doesn't have a life. But she has this job and a war to fight. Besides, she has always been better at following what her mind tells ther o do, than what her heart aches for.

„See you at my house?" the Colonel asks as they arrive at her car.

„Yes, Sir."

Thank god for the military protocol to default back to.

He squints his eyes, then smirks knowingly. He understands. They'll be good.


	5. Unite and Surrender

**Unite and Surrender**

_Episode tag to "Divide and Conquer"_

"This must be hard for you."

Daniel's words stop Jack mid-walk. He is on his way to the elevators when he hears Daniel from around the corner, where he's probably waiting for a ride up himself. Before Jack can decide if he wants to keep going or turn around, he hears Carter's voice, and it keeps him right where he is.

"It's weird, you know. Of course, I'm sad about Martouf, but most of the feelings I'm feeling are not mine. They're Jolinar's." Her answer loosens the rope that was looped tightly around his chest.

"So, you're, um..., you didn't have feelings for him?" Daniel's words immediately pull on the loose ends again. It's like Carter and Daniel play tug of war with him in the middle. Right now, the rope is taut, and it almost feels like he can't catch a breath. After all that happened today, Jack doesn't want to know.

"I liked him as a friend. But not more."

The robe loosens again. Jack didn't mean to eavesdrop, but now he's glad he knows. He squeezes his eyes shut, not ready for a 28 story elevator ride with Carter. As he turns around, General Hammond is right behind him.

"Jack, going home?"

Jack feels caught and is annoyed by Hammond's rhetorical question.

"Yeah," he says.

_Obviously, _he thinks and follows the General around the corner to the elevator where Daniel and Carter are already waiting. If she believes he has been standing there listening, she doesn't show it.

"Major, Dr. Jackson. I'm glad to see you all go home. It's been a long day," General Hammond says.

_Tell me about it._

Hammond and Daniel seem high-spirited and chatty—they did sign a historical alliance after all. While Jack slips into the elevator and leans back onto the wall, he is just happy that they do the talking. He has said enough for today. Maybe for the entire next week. Carter stands in the other corner and is just as quiet as he is. He tries to catch a glimpse of her without turning his head to her. From what Jack can see, she looks perfectly normal, but underneath, he notices uneasiness. He's not sure if the unknowing Daniel and Hammond are the better elevator company or if he would prefer Janet and Teal'c. _Scratch that_. Nothing is worse than those compassionated glances Janet tried not to send his way.

"Colonel," Hammond's voice rips him from his thoughts. "So what exactly happened with your Za' Tarc testing?" Hammond turns around slightly and looks at him, then Carter. "I'm very glad how it turned out, but no one had time to catch me up yet."

The rope around his chest is tightening again. Usually, he doesn't have to deal with nervousness. No matter if the ship he's on is going to explode, or Earth is about to be taken over by replicators, not even when he asked Sarah to marry him. Jack O'Neill is a man made from cool. Just that lately, his cool got some severe cracks. Only hours ago, when he was strapped to a chair and forced to commit to his feelings for Carter, his heart was pounding at an insane pace—even faster when Carter spoke about her feelings.

"_I was scared and overwhelmed," Carter said._

"_Why overwhelmed?"_

"_Because of the feelings I felt and that I saw reciprocated in his face."_

Speaking it out loud made it much more real. Hearing it from her, even more so. Words made everything less safe, words had no limits, words made their own world. In their case one, they would never be able to visit.

"Argh, some hiccups in the Tok'Ra tech," Jack stutters and can't stop himself from looking to Carter, who seems just as nervous.

"This alliance will give us more power, so we're not going to get in a situation like this again," Hammond says. Jack knows he's talking about the most recent Atoneeks wristband incident that somehow led to this very moment. Even though Hammond can't see him, Jack nods. His eyes are tight to Carter's, and his mind can't form any words. It's the first time they are in the same room since they decided it to leave it the room.

Jack doesn't know what he wants to say to her, but the urge is so overpowering that when Daniel and Hammond step out of the elevator, he quickly brushes her hand and says, "Carter, uhm there was this thing you said I needed to see… you know that thing. That device." He knows he must sound nuts, and Daniel clearly doesn't buy it, but before either Daniel or Hammond can say a thing, and before Carter gets the chance to step out, the elevator closes and takes Jack and Carter back down.

Jack is glad she doesn't question why he kidnapped her. She just stands next to him, and for the first time, he feels at ease. It doesn't seem like she wants to get away from him. With a sigh, he leans back onto the wall and just like before he stares straight ahead.

There's nothing to say really. He's not even done processing. Not until six hours ago, he hadn't admitted his feelings for Carter to himself. After they escaped from Apophis's ship, he just stuffed the moment of realization so far in the back of his mind and didn't allow himself to get close to it, that somehow he was able to forget it. Now it's all he can think about. Suddenly all those weird thoughts and feelings from before make sense. In a flashback, he revisits all the moments that made him fall for her, and when he's totally honest, it goes all the way back. Attraction came first. But he was a grown man and could deal with a little crush. Sure, that shower incident had provoked some dreams, but that didn't make someone fall in love. He can't really pinpoint to the moment yet slowly, and surely feelings sneaked into his heart, and now they were in this dilemma. Carter knew what he felt. Jack knew she felt the same way, and they had decided to ignore it.

Two men are fighting for what to do next. The Air Force Colonel who knows it's against the rules, and he's better off starting to ignore it before it becomes even more of a problem. And there is the man, Jack O'Neill, who feels a pleasant tingle in his stomach when he realizes that this beautiful, smart, young, force of a woman next to him has a thing for him.

When Jack risks to look over, Carter turns her head too and smiles softly. The elevator comes to a stop at ground level. The doors start to open, revealing the face of Major Wade. Before the doors open wide enough for Wade to step in, Carter jumps forward and presses the button to close the doors, then hits surface level. They hear Wade curse from outside and smile awkwardly at each other.

They ascend for another 28 flights of silence. Only now Jack doesn't feel like they need to talk. They're going to be fine. Just because they admitted how they felt, doesn't mean it's going to change anything. The feelings were there before, and they ignored them. They would just keep doing exactly this. What else should they do?

Spoiler alert: some weeks from now Jack would hand in his resignation and kiss Carter in front of Hammond. That's how well his plan will be working out.


	6. Windows of Opportunities

**Windows of opportunities**

_Episode tag to "Windows of opportunity'_

The first time Sam won't remember, he shows up in her lab and immediately starts fidgeting with the gauge on her desk. It takes a "Sir" to make him stop. Something is strange about him today. Already in the briefing, he had been unusually quiet and only interrupted her admittedly long rundown of the geomagnetic storm once. To everyone's surprise, he chipped in some in-depth details about Coronal mass ejections, which she had cut short because, well, Colonel O'Neill's tendency to get bored over technobabble. It wasn't so much the fact that he knew particular astrological terms, rather than the way he reacted afterward. Usually, he was proud when he got things right. This time he stayed silent, and this was what threw her off. What she didn't know was that it had been loop 87 since Teal'c and Colonel O'Neill were trapped in repetition. About five loops ago, Daniel had caused the epiphany that they could do anything without worrying about the consequences, and now he was here in her lab, staring at her.

„What can I do for you, Colonel?" Sam asks after she has cleaned the desk from everything that could become dangerous in his hands. He glances at his watch, and his eyes jump to her.

_It can't be_, Sam thinks, but she's pretty sure his eyes linger on her lips. Suddenly aware of this part of her body, she wets them, and as if caught by this movement, he immediately turns away.

_So, he WAS looking at her lips._

„No, I...uh… just walked by…" he says, but it sounds like a lie.

Sam tries to read him like she sometimes can, but today it makes her head spin. So she decides to let him do whatever and continues doing what she's doing—which means packing equipment for their upcoming mission to P4X-639. While he's looking around in her lab, she picks up a box, and suddenly he's right next to her.

„Let me get this, Carter," Colonel O'Neill says and eagerly lifts the box.

He's definitely acting weird today. Usually, he lets her deal with things like this herself, and if he notices something is too heavy for her, he makes Teal'c help her. She appreciates that he understood quickly that the last thing she wants is a special treatment. So him picking up the not particularly heavy box is strange. He seems to notice, because now he stands there, holding the box and doesn't know where to put it. Sam raises her eyebrow, then nods to the corner behind her, and he puts the box down. There isn't much space between the two lab tables, and suddenly he's very close. He looks at her with his big amber eyes and blinks softly. It's like this blink causes a tornado to swirl on her insides. When his eyes jump to her lips again, she can't help but imagine how it would feel to have his lips instead of his eyes there. His lips are right there, his mouth is right there, and her heart seems liable to crack her ribcage with its heaving.

_Kiss me. Kiss me. _

_Stop it._

As if the Colonel can read her mind, he leans even closer and parts his lips slightly. She inhales sharply, and it seems to be the signal he's waiting for. With a deep breath, which sounds like a moan, he moves to close the distance between them.

_OMG, it's happening._

But she's wrong. Just a split second later, she sits in the commissary with nothing but the flavor of pancakes on her lips. Oblivious to their almost kiss, she is surprised to see Colonel O'Neill drop his spoon, sigh in frustration, and lean back with closed eyes.

„Sir? Are you okay?"

He looks up with a determined expression.

„Peachy Carter, just peachy."

* * *

The second time she won't remember, she bumps into him when she's about to leave her lab. It's a full-frontal crash that slingshots her files into the air, but instead of them bouncing off each other, she finds herself in his arms.

„Sir." She's surprised while he, on the other hand, is unrattled by this forceful impact. It almost seems he expected this to happen.

"Carter," he says, still holding her arms.

She's so taken aback by the way he reacts and—if she's honest by this sudden proximity—that she stutters, "I was looking for you. I think I found a…"

"Argh…" he interrupts her, and again she's surprised.

"You don't want to…"

"Not now."

His glance makes her nervous. The intensity has nothing to do with the way her Colonel should look at her. And also, he still has his hands on her shoulders.

"But in three minutes, it will start all over." She tries to stick to the facts. Everything else is just too confusing.

"Two minutes and 34 seconds actually. 33 now." He smirks, "And then none of this would have ever happened."

If he counts on her to understand what he's talking about, he counted right. She's one of the smartest brains on earth after all, and when she feels him pulling her a tad closer and pinning his eyes to her lips, it clicks.

_Oh._

As an immediate reaction, her knees turn to Jell-O, and there's an entire swarm of gliders shooting fireworks in her guts.

"Oh," she actually says this one out loud, and it makes him smirk even bigger.

"No consequences, you know," Jack says, and he glances at his watch.

There are so many thoughts she could be thinking right now. The only own she should be thinking is: I can't kiss my CO. Instead, the only thought she can think is: this might be the one chance we have.

"Okay," she says and is painfully aware of how quick her answer came.

_Okay? _

But there he is, smiling so lovingly, so relieved. He nudges an inch closer, tying his gaze with her's. Her head starts spinning, and before it even happens, she regrets that she won't remember. But maybe it's for the best. One stolen moment just for them, one that no one can make them accountable for. Not even she herself.

It is as if every nerve in her body stopped feeling so she can focus her entire self on the sensation of his lips on hers. She can already feel his breath, and in turn, is sure she stopped breathing altogether. Just before their lips meet, she closes her eyes, ready for that one kiss that will be theirs.

"Major Carter."

They shoot apart and find a startled looking Dr. Lee in her lab.

"Colonel, Major, I am… I didn't mean to interrupt. Err. I…" he stutters.

When Lee catches the angry look on O'Neill's face, he stumbles backward out of the lab.

"He won't remember either, right?" she says shyly.

"No."

It breaks her heart a little bit to hear the disappointment in his voice, and she wonders how many times they've done this already or how many times he has tried. Ever since the Za'Tarc, there's a tension between them. Sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes sexual, sometimes loving. And this tension is pulling strongly on her. She's surprised by her courage—but there's not much time for it because she's already halfway there. She wraps her hand around his neck and pulls him closer. He's amazed but doesn't pull back. On the contrary, she feels his hands around her hips, pulling her to his body and willingly, she crushes against him. Her lips are about to follow the movement and then close around a fork of pancakes. She can't remember what almost happened. That she wasn't sitting here in the commissary only a blink before and is only surprised to see Colonel O'Neill bury his head in his hands over a bowl of Fruit Loops.

* * *

Attempt number three is equally unsuccessful. Sam is in her lab, running tests when he marches in like on a mission and pulls her up from her chair. The surprise factor is on his side because she doesn't know what's happening, so her body is like gummy in his hands. His face is dangerously close. A twinge of desire is building in her, and she's scolding herself for it except that she doesn't because his scent fogs her brain, and involuntarily she parts her lips in anticipation of that incoming kiss. It's just inches before he can finally press his lips onto hers when Hammond walks in. Colonel O'Neill curses out loud, but by then, they are already back in the commissary, and Sam and Daniel are startled by his sudden outburst.

* * *

The fourth time she won't remember either. For Jack, on the other hand, it will be engraved into his heart and burnt on his lips for infinity.

She's running gate diagnostics in the control room, trying to understand why it won't let them dial out and if the reason for being stuck in the time loop only Teal'c and the Colonel can recount has something to do with the gate. If Colonel O'Neill is right, the time loop is about to start over in only three minutes, so she'd better hurry up. As she hacks into the computer, trying to make sense of the numbers that flicker over the screen someone is dialing their gate, and then he hears Colonel O'Neill's voice behind her, "Excuse me, George."

She turns around and wonders about his outfit: baggy pants, a very yellow shirt, a beanie.

"Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?" General Hammond asks, clearly as confused about Colonel O'Neill's appearance as she is. The Colonel is smooth as only he can be. He checks his watch, and this reminds her that this loop is coming to an end soon.

"Handing you my resignation," O'Neill says and hands General Hammond a piece of paper.

Quickly she glances at the watch on her computer screen; 1:53 before this loop ends. So what's the deal with this resignation? Out of curiosity, Sam gets up to glance at the paper Hammond is staring at with shock.

"Resigning, what for?" she asks, somehow sure that this is just another O'Neill prank. What else would be the purpose of resigning when in 97 seconds everything starts all over again. The Colonel doesn't even look at her. He stares at his watch. She knows him too well to feel the underlying nervousness he's trying to mask with his suave act.

"So I can do this," he says and finally looks at her. There's a satisfied grin on his lips, the one he fashions when plans work out. And then the remaining 54 seconds stretch to a mare infinity.

His hands slip around her face, and he leans forward until his lips meet hers. At first, it's a pure physical sensation—his lips pressing onto hers. A feeling she long longed for and that paired with shock is strange. But then she relaxes her lips against his, and a tingle spreads out from this small point of contact. She feels his arm wrap around her, and with it, his scent wraps her senses. In a smooth move, he twirls her around and tips her over, and then it's all over for her. She slings her arm around him and finds the warmth of his neck with her hand. Her fingers sneak up into his hair just as his tongue sneaks over her lips, and she parts them feverishly. When their tongues meet for a shy pas de deux, the infinite lightness of this kiss fills her body like a balloon, and she's just glad he's holding onto her because she's sure she would float away. This is how it must feel to float through space, not knowing what is above, not being able to breathe—not that she would consider separating their lips for something so banal as air. To reassure herself that this is happening, she opens her eyes—but by then, the next loop has started.

* * *

The fifth time he wishes he wouldn't remember. It's different because Sam kissed him. And that changes everything. When he had kissed her, it felt like a challenge — trying to see if she's up for it if he can pull it off. But this time it's different. She doesn't know it yet, sitting in the commissary eating pancakes while looking at him expectantly in wait for his answer to Daniel's question. Their first kiss in the control room just ended seconds ago, and he can't hide a wacky, happy smile. He leans back and stares at her with this lost drift. It's a glance that tickles something in her, and Sam has a hard time holding eye contact. There's too much going on in his look, and for whatever reason, she feels a tingle on her lips. She brushes over them with her tongue, and when she looks at Colonel O'Neill, he flushes slightly.

"Jack?" Sam hears Daniel say, but it only comes to her through a cloud that muffles everything but her own heartbeat. For whatever reason, she starts to feel nauseous—the kind of nauseous that is exciting.

"You're just not going to answer my question?" Daniel says again, and suddenly something in Colonel O'Neill changes. The hazy, dreamy curtain on his face is pulled and reveals a hard-boiled officer.

"We're trapped in a time loop."  
"What?" Timeloop is a buzzword that kick starts Sam's brain.

"We went to P4X-639. There's an alien device that shoots a beam at the Stargate and accesses the subspace field of the wormhole. It's powered by ionization, which is caused by…" Colonel O'Neill searches for the right words, and Sam and Daniel stare at him perplexed.

"The geomagnetic storm," he finishes.

"That is why we're going there, Jack."

"And I'm telling you we've been there."

Hours later, Colonel O'Neill is about to leave his quarters when Sam finds him.

"Sir," she says and blocks his way.

"Carter, I'm on my way to Daniel. Finish the translations so we can get out of this loop before I go nuts."

"About that, I… err… there's something I wanted to show you," she says and isn't sure her voice sounds even semi-professional.

"Okay, quickly, will you?" He says and is about to step out of the door when she pushes him back into his room.

"Not in your lab?" he asks in curious anticipation.

"Uh, no. We can do it here."

She takes a deep breath and steps closer to him, inappropriately close. She prays that this isn't just a Jack O'Neill prank and that the time loop really exists. She prays her assumptions are right and that she won't remember whatever happens in this loop. But then she takes heart and closes the remaining gap between them. For not one second, she lets go of his eyes and believes in seeing something like "can't believe this is happening" in them. The way he reacts tells her he has no idea what kind of woman she can be.

Gently she puts her hand in his neck and hears his sharp pull for air when skin meets skin. She parts her lips and then kisses him. For all that's worth. With everything she has. It might be their only kiss, and even if she can't remember, she wants to tattoo her lips on his—mark Jack hers. Only sometimes, she allows herself to think of him as Jack. Mid-kiss seems to be an appropriate moment.

The kiss is soft and wild, full of love and desire, and it's in this kiss that maybe for the first time she feels truly loved. The way he curls his fingers in her hair. The way he gasps when her fingertips slip under his shirt and brush against his skin. The soft grunt that escapes him and most of all: the look in his eyes when they both look at each other and it's not weird like eye contact during a kiss can be—it only makes it more intense and sends the most bone-shattering feelings through her. Now she's glad that she won't remember because it feels better than traveling through the gate.

Only somehow they manage to pull apart. Jack's trying to get his control back over his body, and when she notices how hard he has to fight for it, she knows.

"How often did we do this?"

"What?"

"In how many time loops have we kissed?"

He's nervous.

"Once, well now twice."

She lifts her eyebrows. This was way too good only to try it once.

"I took me some loops to get it right." There's a mischievous grin on his face.

"What was right?"

"I resigned and then kissed you."

"The official way." She's flattered that it was planned.

"Well, I kissed you in front of Hammond, so I just covered my butt in case it would stop looping after." He's way too amused by her expression.

"You kissed me in front of Hammond?"

_He wouldn't._

"Yeah, in the control room. Handed Hammond my papers and told him I'm resigning. You asked what for? And I said so I can do this. Then I dipped you and kissed you," he recalls proudly.

"How did Hammond react?"

"Dunno, I was rather busy."

His eyes sparkle and dart to her lips. She can still feel their kiss on them and starts to feel jealous that he had the chance to experience it twice. If only twice. There are no consequences, and apparently, she's pretty willing to break the rules herself when there's nothing to fear. She won't even remember this kiss. And he has two to feed upon. Then again, maybe it's better not to remember. She would have a hard time pretending it didn't happen, and he has to. Right while they were kissing her head went much further than that, and she's pretty sure that his didn't stop at a kiss either.

_Oh! He wouldn't. She wouldn't. Well, clearly, she would._

"Are we good?" He must have noticed her thought of train leave the station in full-speed.

"We didn't…" she stammers. "Did we? You know?" She motions her hand back and forth between them and takes a step backward. Just for safety measures. It takes him a moment to understand.

"Gosh no. No, I would never. I mean, I would…" He squints and exhales. "We didn't. I would never without you remembering."

"Okay."

All her earlier courage is gone, and she stands shyly in his quarters, suddenly aware of where her head went when she made this plan. After all, she came to his quarters and didn't do it in her lab or some supply closet.

A wide grin spreads across his face and puts her at ease.

"What?"  
"It just shows how much smarter you are."

She tilts her head as a question.

"It took 87 loops for me to realize that I can do whatever and only because Daniel mentioned it. It took quite some more loops to make this happen."

He waves his hands between them.

She smiles. "Yeah, who would have thought that studying astrophysics pays off if you want to kiss your CO?"

"Speaking of, one thing you didn't get right."

She lifts her eyebrows.

"We have five more minutes before the loop repeats itself."

"Who says I miscalculated?" It's mischievous, she knows and smiles a smile that makes his knee wobbly, and his blood rush louder. She closes the gap between them.

_What difference does another kiss make?_

* * *

**Thanks for all the comments, likes, follows. I'm having so much fun rewatching the show and writing those episode tags finding out how their love evolved throughout the show. Next up (of course) Beneath the Surface and it's gonna be intense. If you have an episode in mind I under no circumstances should leave out, let me know. Just mention it in the comments and I'll try to write a chapter for it.**

**Reviews keep me writing.**


	7. Beneath His Surface

**Beneath his surface**

_Episode tag to 'Beneath the surface'_

* * *

_Hey friends, so far this was my favorite chapter to write. In the entire"Lost and Found" story, I'm trying to go back to the most important S/J moments and put my spin on what happened around them or went through their heads while trying to stay true what we saw on screen aka not changing the actual flow of the story. I could never imagine that nothing happened between the two in Beneath the Surface and that Jack would just go back easily after that. So here's what I imagine could have happened the night after they come back._

_As always: I love reading your comments, they keep me writing._

* * *

The night he signed the divorce papers, he had twelve whiskeys. The one, the barkeeper is pushing over the counter is today's number six. For sure, not the last one. His head still feels way too clear, and he needs to drown every recollection of the past mission in so much liquor that it would never come back. Maybe the worst hangover ever would replace the feelings he is feeling. Not one second passes in which he doesn't think about what happened between them. How good it felt to be with her. If she could make hard manual labor, malnutrition, no inch of privacy—if she could make being a slave feel good— hell, how good would it feel to be with her here on earth on an average day?

"There's a hot blonde checking you out," the bartender interrupts his thinking.

Jack huffs and takes another sip from his drink. He's not planning on talking to anyone tonight. To make sure the bartender gets that, he sends an angry glance to him. Too late, the mentioning of a 'blonde' brings her immediately back. And his thoughts don't stop at her blonde head. Without him being able to hinder them, they wander down to her blue eyes and to the shy but lovestruck way she had looked at him. Down to her lips. The memory of how soft they felt immediately rouses something in his stomach. His thoughts wander further to her collarbone and that vulnerable spot between bone and neck and how she sighed when he kissed her there. Next, and this sends a sting into his groin, her breasts. He blows his cheeks and quickly takes a sip as if that would make the images less vivid. He never thought he would get to be with her in this way. But if he had believed getting it out of the system once would make it better, he was mistaken. The one time deeply satisfied him yet left him hungry in a new, gnawing way.

"Dude, she's walking over," the bartender says, his eyes fixed on this ominous woman Jack doesn't want to meet. On the other hand, maybe it's just the distraction he needs tonight. He downs his drink, looks up, and regrets doing so right away.

_For crying out loud._

"Carter." It doesn't sound friendly nor inviting; nevertheless, she sits down next to him.

"Can I get one? Make it a double actually," she says and points at Jack's drink.

"What are you doing here?" He wants to make sure that there's no way she thinks it's okay for her to be here right now.

"I didn't know you would be here."

"Do you come here often?"

"No, actually never."

"So, how would you know?"

She doesn't answer instead downs her drink and motions for another one. If she's upset by the way he's treating her, it doesn't show. For tonight he doesn't care. Tonight he deserves to be angry. Angry that she can just put it away that easily, and he can't. His disappointed mind doesn't even allow him to understand that it's probably not that easy for her either if she shows up at a place like this.

"You shouldn't be here," he says. Really wanting her to go.

"This bar?"

_Common Carter, playing dumb doesn't suit you._

"Around me," he says and for the first time looks at her. She reciprocates his look before she turns back to her drink—a mix of understanding and hurt in her eyes.

For a while, they sit silently next to each other, both nursing their drinks. Thirty years of military experience pay off when he notices without even looking up how another guy takes a seat next to Carter. Body turned to her, unable to believe his luck of having found such an extraordinary example of a woman in this hell of a place. Jack knows what the guy is thinking: who comes here needs to forget something, and a quick hookup can help at least for a moment.

„You alone," he hears the guy say and is disgusted by how his voice gives everything away. _Yes she is_, Jack thinks, and as if to make her understand that too, he gets up and slurps towards the restroom. He hears her say, „Yes, and I prefer it that way." He can't help but feel a bit proud.

As he walks back to the bar and notices that she's still there and the guy isn't, he sighs and decides for a glass of water as a peace offering.

„You gotta drink water in between."

From the look she gives him he knows that's she not here to do it the pain-free way, yet she takes a sip anyways.

He takes his old seat and can feel the eyes of his rival dart into his back. Usually, it would feel like a small victory, but tonight, it feels like a burden. He's licking his emotional wounds with a whiskey-soaked tongue when she breaks the silence.

"It's not easy for me either," she whispers.

"What?" Playing dumb is much more his forte.

"Going back to normal."

"You switch back and forth pretty smoothly," he says with the intention to hurt her although what he really wants to know is if she even feels the same way he does.

"Not really."

"No?"

"As a woman in the Air Force, you learn a thing or two about hiding how you feel. It's like showing any feelings is considered a weakness." He feels her eyes on him. "You know that. You're good at it yourself."

It's not that he doesn't know how hard it is for women to make it in the Air Force. Back when he was a cadet, there was this girl who started with him. He remembers vividly how she was teased and pranked and sexually assaulted and, in the end, tried to prove herself so badly in a robe climbing exercise that she fell and broke her back. The dream of serving the country extinguished by guys that thought she wasn't worth the same dream as they. The first weeks with Carter under his command had been just a painful reminder. She had tried so hard to prove herself to him. He still thinks that the incident with the Shavadei had been a part of it. It had taken him a great deal of convincing to make her understand that he respected her. As he thinks about it, he realizes that her feelings for him, his feelings for her undermine everything she has achieved. Suddenly he's overwhelmed with regret for how he is treating her. She is brilliant and has a shining career in front of her, and this between them is the Achilles heel of all of it.

"I'm sorry," he says and hopes she can follow him to where his mind has wandered. In the field, in the briefing room, she can read him, and the last months have shown not only there.

„What for?"

„For sometimes just thinking like a guy who's in…, well not like your Colonel anyway."

_Whoops, almost. _

His heart starts galloping in his chest, and he doesn't dare to look at her out of fear his face might give away what he just held back. From the way she inhales sharply, it's clear she didn't miss his slip. Another long sip of whiskey later, she breaks the silence of which he's not sure was silent after all because his heartbeat is hammering so loudly.

„I like both," she whispers. „And that's the problem."

Jack is aware of needing his wits about him to reply to this rather alarming declaration, but it is as his heightened heartbeat has pumped the amounts of alcohol consumed into every cell of his body. Maybe because he doesn't react and only holds onto the bar as if his life depends on it, she says, „But we've both had crushes. They usually go away."

Compared to everything she said before, this sounds cold and controlled, and it twists his insides. _A crush? _He wouldn't be sitting here trying to drink himself into oblivion if she was just a crush. And up until now, he thought that was true for how she felt too. That this was something forbidden but something big and profound and probably life-changing. Jack doesn't know what to say; only knows that he can't stand being around her anymore. Knocking over his chair, he jumps up, smashes cash onto the bar, and without even looking at her leaves.

The cold air hits his face but fails to clear his head. He takes a deep breath and lets the air out in a loud hush as if he could blow out all the emotions.

"Hey." Her voice is behind him.

"What now?" Jack growls.

She's taken aback by his anger.

"I just wanted to make sure you are not driving."

"I've done this before, Carter. I'm gonna get a cab."

"Okay, it's just…"

„What?" He swirls around, and suddenly she's right there. Way too close for a night like this. After days of not remembering the rules that make this so very complicated. Big blue eyes meet squinted brown ones that have turned black from the rage that's building in him. He doesn't know who it's directed at. Her? Yes. Himself? Hell yes. A nervous sigh escapes her lips, and she tilts her head to the side just the way she always does when emotions are about to overwhelm her. It's a feeling he shares. And then she bites her lip, and it's all over for him. Like in an attack, he jumps forward, grabs her arms, pulls them behind her back and pushes her onto the car that's right behind her. His body crushes against hers. The warmth of her breath swirls around his face. The soft cushions of her breast feel incredible against his chest. He can't think. Only feel. How much he wants her. How much she means to him. How badly he wants to forget everything. The look on her face is a wild mix of emotions: shock, resentment, and undoubtedly and most importantly, deep affection. Seeing all of it in her face freezes him only inches before his lips press against hers. His breath is angry and aroused. Aroused and scared is hers. She can see his inner turmoil. See the man fighting the Colonel. When the realization hits of what he's doing, he lets her go. Slowly, carefully, he steps back, bringing the much-needed distance back between them. Only his hands can't let go yet and hold onto hers. With a deep sigh, he lowers his eyes and looks at their hands. He had grabbed her wrists, but somehow her fingers found their way to his, and now they are interwoven just as if she wants them to be right there. She squeezes his hand softly, and when he looks up, he finds a single tear sparkling down her cheek in the moonlight.

"It's not a crush," he says and gently strokes his thumb over her hand before he lets go and turns around to disappear in the darkness.

"Jack."

He's halfway over the parking lot when he hears his name. She doesn't say anything else, but using his first name says it all.


	8. Tangent

_**Tangent**_

_Episode tag to 'Tangent'_

So, it's not a crush. Sam truly understands that when she kneels down to hand Colonel O'Neill some water. He is still weakened from the lack of oxygen, while Teal'c seems to be back to supernormal strength.

"Thanks, Carter," Colonel O'Neill says.

"Let me know if you need anything else, Sir."

He's about to get up, but she puts her hand on his shoulder and presses him down. "Take it easy. You need to rest."

"I meant thanks for picking us up," he says, and his eyes get this softness that is in them when no one can see how he looks at her. A look that makes her swallow hard and her voice is unsteady when she says, "Always."

Before the moment turns into one, Sam gets up and turns around to find her father staring at her. She knows that look but can't deal with it right now.

_It's not a crush_, hammers in her head, and she finally admits it too.

* * *

As Sam sits down in a quiet corner of the ship, she tries to calm her heart and her mind. Usually, she's good at drowning out her feelings. Not now when there's no other problem to solve, no mission ahead. If she's honest, never since the realization that there are feelings between them. Sam tries to remind herself that even love can go away. The only question is how, when you're steadily reminded how it feels to lose the person you have those existential feelings for. How in hell when you're supposed to never give up on them because they are your team and, in a broader sense, a part of you.

"There you are." Jacob still got that look on his face, and Sam knows there is no escape.

Seeing her father tightens her throat even further, which is weird because she had never been a kid that cried a lot. Her father had always been a dad that could spot the switch of emotions before she even felt them. Most of the time, he had said something that made her pull herself together. This seems to be one of those moments. She is not going to cry, she tells herself. Nevertheless, it's bubbling in her, so she nods forcefully as if to shoo her weakness away.

Jacob lets out a sigh, and Sam starts to wonder if he sometimes regrets being such a strict dad. That he was never able to deal with emotions and always kept a military distance to her and Mark. Ever since he blended with Selmak, he is different. Softer, more forgiving—the dad she had always wanted.

"It's not easy making decisions when it comes to life and death for your team members," he says eventually, and she's happy that he makes this a military conversation.

"Hammond made the call," Sam answers.

"I'm still surprised that he approved that plan. It was risky. The Goa'Uld could have spotted you."

"But they didn't."

"Sam…"

"We had this conversation already. They are my team. I would do anything for them."

"Your comradery is great, but people can misunderstand that."

This conversation needs to end before it goes any further. She can't deal with what Jacob is alluding to. Not right now. Sam gets up and is about to walk past him when he says, "In fact, they like to. Especially when it comes to a young, attractive woman who's climbing the ranks quickly."

His words freeze her, and she comes to a stop.

"What are you saying?" Sam snaps. The upset sits right on her tongue. It hurts that her father even formulates those thoughts.

"That's not what I'm thinking, Sam. I know you work hard and deserve everything. But some people are envious. You know how it is."

All her earlier thoughts about Jacob being softer, less military are banished by what he is saying now.

When Sam looks up from her feet where she has locked her eyes from the moment Jacob came into the room, her heart drops a million floors because Colonel O'Neill stands right there. From the startled expression on his face, there's no way he didn't hear what Jacob just said. The Colonel's hands twitch nervously. She knows exactly how he feels. Being back in the glider with no air would be a better place to be. But they are both here, and Jacob must have sensed the Colonel's presence. He turns around and doesn't fail to notice the glances Sam and Jack exchange.

If this day has taught her one thing, it's that these feelings need to stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

It repeats like a mantra in her head.

"There's nothing to worry about dad," Sam says with a steady voice and a steady glance. The anger in her can't come out; nothing can give away what she's feeling. And just like she manages to stay neutral, so does Colonel O'Neill. Nevertheless, it feels terrible to say it to his face after all that happened on P3R-118 and after in the bar. And because it feels so bad, she knows she has to repeat it.

"Really, dad. There's nothing."

The door to that room needs another lock. A second door just to be safe.


	9. The Light she brings

**The Light she brings**

_Missing scene from 'The Light'_

A smile tugs on Jack's lips as he thinks about the fight he just had with Carter. Sure, it has something to do with the withdrawal from the light, but it was also a sign that they are back to normal. In the first weeks, they had tiptoed around each other, careful to not step on any emotional toes but seeing each other every day, missions and briefings and reports and technobabble, and they are back to being friends. Sometimes even a little flirt. If that's all they can have—well, he would be lying to himself if that's all he wants—but if that's all they can have, it's good at least. To prove how good they are, he even invited her to go fishing. No dubious thoughts, but still, he had felt relieved when she had declined.

Jack doesn't allow himself to think about what being stuck here could mean for them. Carter was pretty upfront about it when she said that she's not going to stick to calling him 'Sir' if they're forced to stay here forever. It can simply mean what she said, but also so many other things.

Jack shakes his head and focuses on the ocean that is rolling in big waves onto the shore and glitters in the moonlight like Carter's eyes.

_Goddammit,_ he thinks and shoves that thought back into the room it escaped from and closes the door tightly.

A sound rips him out of his thoughts, and from the steps, he knows it's Carter. Without a word, she sits down next to him.

"It is a nice beach," she says, and he knows it's an apology.

"Should have asked Walter to send some fishing rods," Jack answers without looking up.

"Or a surfboard."

He turns around and has a hard time hiding his excitement.

"You surf?"

"I grew up in San Diego."

"Right," he says, and it lingers in the air.

"What?" Carter's smile is teasing.

"You surprise me every day, Carter. First the bike, now this."

"You know I have a life. I just don't have time to live it." There's a tease in her voice.

"That's what vacations are for."

"Yeah, but experiments and tests are equally exciting for me."

What can he say? The Major has made her point, and he's not going down that rabbit hole again.

The waves keep breaking and crushing, and he imagines how Carter would look on a surfboard or—more accurately—how she would look in a wetsuit. Before his thoughts can make this dangerous turn, she moves next to him and hands him a little container.

He lifts his eyebrows as a question.

"Sorry for my earlier behavior, Sir. I wasn't myself."

He opens the box. A big piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing glistens in the moonlight.

„Cake?" he asks, surprised.

Her smirk is mischievous.

„Well, it should have been on our supply list. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't. So, where did you get this from?"

Carter pulls out two forks.

"Walter," she says casually while she tries to hide the smile that's taking over her face.

Of course, Walter can't deny her anything.

He grabs a fork out of her hand, digs it into the cake, and shoves a big piece into his mouth.

"You can yell at me more often if I get cake in the end," Jack says and finds himself getting lost in her eyes as she takes a bite herself. There's something utterly romantic about eating an apology cake smuggled in from a different planet in moonshine with Carter.

"Where did you get that from?" Daniel is suddenly behind them and lurks over Jack's shoulder. He's about to grab Jack's fork, but Jack pulls away.

"I'm not sharing."

"But you share with Sam."

Jack looks back to Sam and smiles softly as he pushes another piece of cake in his mouth—sharing with Sam, is a different story.


	10. The Entity called Love

**The Entity called Love**

_Feelings and missing scene from "Entity"_

His heartbeat is jacked, but his hand is steady. The second shot takes her down, and he knows it's over. He's done it before. Killed people. But never the person he loves. It's the first time he truly admits to that feeling. It takes over and stops any other thought from forming.

He loves her.

He killed her.

As the med team lifts Carter onto the gurney, her arm falls lifelessly to the side, and with it, his heart drops to shatter. Jack's mind has no control over his body as he reaches out and gently puts her arm back. From then on, everything happens in slow motion. Carter is rushed to the infirmary—Dr. Fraiser is sitting on top of her trying to pump life back into her body. He follows them with his eyes, unable to move away from the spot he killed her. The image of her lifeless body on the ground is burnt into his retina, and Jack doubts he can ever walk this corridor again. A flicker in the lamp above him draws his attention. He looks up, and there it is again. Another slight flicker almost a blink.

"Jack."

He hears from faraway. It might be Daniel; it might be Hammond. But he can't get his eyes to move away from the light. It flickers again. Carter is dead.

Hours have passed since they hooked up Carter to the machines that produce a mere illusion of hope. The hope of her coming back only given enough time. Jack knows that's just a lie his mind has formed to protect him from breaking apart the way his heart has already. He hasn't left her side. Not when Daniel and Teal'c had come. Not when Hammond was there. Not when the machine had some technical hiccup, and Fraiser had to reanimate her a second time.

Jack's not a man of great belief. Life has taught him that prayers stay unanswered. Nevertheless, he looks up when the Doc is fighting for Carter's life, and there he sees it again. A flicker in the light above him. When the Doc gets things under control, she let out a sigh. He can see the tears swelling up in her eyes and wants to give her comfort. But how can he? He was the one that killed her friend.

The coffee Daniel has brought him is cold by now. Jack can't get himself to move yet to look at her face. So he fumbles with a pen. Deconstructing it and putting it back together, but he must have lost a piece because it just won't fit anymore. No matter how hard he tries, the pieces won't go back together to form a functioning item. Jack doesn't know which part he lost, but he does know that without Carter, his life will be like this pen. Incompletely. Broken. Useless.

* * *

When Daniel suggests that it's Carter IN the fucking nest, Jack doesn't dare to hope. When Fraiser says the pattern match Carter's brain waves, he doesn't allow himself even to think this is possible. When Carter gasps for air, he doesn't believe it's her. Only when she opens her eyes, and they are soft and blue and the ones he has fallen in love with, Jack knows she is back. He's been through various stages of denying, then admitting to himself how he feels for Carter. Now he knows it's nothing he's ever felt before. It's bigger than love. Bigger than anything.

It takes him every inch of self-control to prevent him from touching her. Being denied its purpose—its only place to go—his hand drops onto her bed instead. He taps the bedding, and when his fingers hit the soft material, he suddenly feels her fingers on his. It's only a brief moment of contact but with the same implications of a hug or even a kiss. While their hands separate, their eye contact is unbroken, becoming stronger with every second that passes. She's back. He has killed her.

* * *

He has stopped counting how often he has walked by the infirmary. For sure, once too often because this time, Fraiser stands there as if she has been waiting for him.

"You can go in, you know?" Janet says, and her eyes are boring into him. There's this look in them. The one she had after the Zar'Tarc moment. And now that he sees it again, he realizes that she had the same expression after they came back from P3R-118. He wonders how much Carter has told her. Or how much the medical tests have.

"She's awake," Fraiser adds with a soft smile. "Teal'c and Daniel have visited her already. No one is in there," she lets the sentences linger in the air.

"How is she?"

"Why don't you ask her yourself?"

Jack lets out a breath and switches from one foot to the other.

"Colonel," Janet says as if talking to a scared relative—maybe even a lover. "You made the right decision. You saved the base. And probably our planet."

His military brain knows that. The Colonel in him is satisfied that he was able to sacrifice her over the fate of the planet. Even if it's his teammate. Even more so if it's someone he has inappropriate feelings for. It says how much he feels for her that the voices which have guided him through the past 20 years are now muted.

"It shouldn't have been so hard," Jack mumbles, and as the words leave his mouth, he wishes he could pull them back and swallow them. Instead, they venture out. Into Fraiser's ears, into her brain where they turn into the confirmation of what she has assumed ever since he was lost on Edora and heard confirmed at the Zar'Tarc test. Two of her friends have the strongest feelings for each other, and all they can do is to deny them.

"And I shouldn't have reanimated her a second time. That was against her will. But I couldn't do it. And now we have her back."

Jack smiles a wary smile, thankful for what Fraiser is doing here.

"She asked for you," Janet says.

Because he still doesn't react, Janet let's out a sigh and says, "The security cameras are still down on this level. The incident must have burnt the circle."

He must look as flabbergasted as he feels because all she does is lift her arms in surrender and heads back into the infirmary. Jack is not sure what to think about this comment. They haven't broken the rules, yet Fraiser's words remind him that even feeling the way he feels is breaking all the rules.

Jack waits some more seconds before he takes a deep breath and steps into her room. Meeting a Goa'Uld or deadly Replicators would be easier. When Jack opens the door, he sees the woman he loves, the woman he killed, and it chokes his throat.

"Hey," Carter says with a weak voice.

He answers with a one-sided smile, afraid his voice will give it all away. One look and he knows she can read him.

"You did the right thing," Carters says, and he loves her even more and despises himself even more.

"Carter." It means 'don't be so forgiving.'

"I'm back." It means 'We're okay.'

As if her words cut the shackles that have held him back, he jumps forward and only comes to a stop right next to her bed. She looks at him with big blue eyes. Now all hers again. It's too much to handle, and he looks up to the light above their heads. This time there's no flicker. When he looks down to meet her eyes, he feels a flicker in his heart.

He's a dead man.

He is hers.

Always.


	11. Double Promise

**Double Promise**

_Episode tag to 'Double Jeopardy'_

Team night seems like the right thing to do after basically dying today. Well, for once, they didn't die, but clone-SG1 did. Sam has to admit that it's weird to watch yourself die. They all must have felt that way. Suddenly reminded of their mortality. So here they are, at the Colonel's house.

Teal'c has retreated to the kitchen, making 'dessert', and no one is allowed to interrupt. He's become quite serious about cooking lately, and Sam muses if it has anything to do with his fishing trip with Colonel O'Neill and the amounts of charred meat or fish they must have consumed. Daniel is on the phone with an old colleague of his. An archaeology professor who's just discovered something in Egypt. Sam is astonished about the excitement Daniel can show for a discovery that—in the greater scheme of things aka knowing about the Stargate—seems pretty insignificant. And yet he's been on the phone for the past thirty minutes and sounds genuinely thrilled. Maybe it's just her because San definitely got a bit snobby when it comes to the results of her colleagues, given all the new technology she has to play around with.

With Daniel on the phone and Teal'c in the kitchen, it leaves Colonel O'Neill and Sam in his backyard. The campfire radiates off a pleasant warmth and dances on the Colonel's face. For the first time, she notices how his face has changed since the day they met. Even though they've been through painful experiences, Earth-threatening events, and fought the cruelest enemies, his face is softer now. Calm almost.

He must have noticed her eyes on him because he looks up with a soft smile around his eyes.

"Isn't it strange how normal all this weirdness has become," he says and once again seems to be able to read her thoughts. Sam doesn't linger too long on this realization because it's just going to take her down the forbidden path to the room she doesn't want to visit tonight.

"Yeah. We just watched our perfect clones die."

"Not that perfect. They died, and so far, we've always avoided this," the Colonel answers and then hesitates for a moment. There's a flinch on his face, and now she knows what he's thinking. Only two months ago, he had killed her. Shot her twice with a Zat to stop the entity from infiltrating the base and destroying Earth. It's another thought Sam doesn't want to entertain, and it seems he doesn't want to go there either because he continues, "We should have trained them better."

She lifts her eyebrows in a question.

"They could have done our jobs. Saved the world, defeated the Goa'Uld, and the Replicators once they're at it."

"And what would we do?" Sam asks, and the moment the words cross her lips, she regrets it. If their heads are in sync tonight, she knows his answer, and it's leading towards the room.

"Fishing?"

She huffs and takes a swig from her beer.

"I would know what I to do if the war were over." His voice is low and somehow raspy, and in combination with his words, sends a flutter to her stomach. It takes her a moment to find the courage to look up, and when she does so, his eyes are on her. Soft and warm and—she takes a deep breath—loving. Sam wants to believe she understands it all wrong. That he is not talking about a future for him and her, but she knows he is. Against all the voices in her head that yell at her to shut up, she says, "Me too."

The moment little smile tugs on his lips, the voices drown out, and all she can hear is the rush of her blood.

"Maybe one day," he says without letting her eyes go.

Uncertainty has never been so certain. A 'maybe' never so committed. Sam swallows, but that big lump in her throat won't go away. One day, she thinks, and it's more than a nice thought. It's the silver lining, the ultimate goal, what makes all of the holdings back and suffocating feelings worth it.

"Sam, Jack! Teal'c is ready," Daniel yells, and their moment is broken. They get up and stroll towards the warmly illuminated house when he says with a wicked grin, "You know I would have kicked his ass."

His ability to easily juggle emotions and bring her back to the here and now makes Sam smile and leads her to—though she resists conscious countenancing of it—loving him even more.

* * *

_Autor's note: As always. I'd love to hear what you think. Especially because I'm trying to stay close to the show and don't want to change the narrative of what actually happened. So I would love to hear if you think something like that could have happened. Thanks for reading._


	12. Desperate feelings

**Desperate feelings**

_Feelings and missing scenes for 'Desperate Measure'_

He's got it under control. Ever since he shot her, he's got it under control. The past six months passed uneventfully. At least when it came to him and her. Neither of them almost died or was seriously hurt or disappeared. They had managed to go back to being Colonel and Major. No doubt, it had been hard work and strong willpower. But the flirts stopped. The smiles subsided. The glances died out. Yes, he misses it. But oh yes, it makes work so much easier. Before they were sitting on a powder keg, ready to blow up any smile of hers or incident that put her in danger. So they had made a decision. That work was more important. That they had to win a war. Maybe one day they would allow themselves to entertain their feelings for each other again. But not now.

Sure, Jack had felt a slight sting of jealousy when this ambassador was all over Carter with white teeth smiles and big puppy eyes. But well, she left him behind on a hostile alien planet—so he couldn't have left such an impression. Without wanting to sound arrogant, Jack's pretty sure Carter would have never left Daniel, Teal'c, or himself behind.

Other than this slight caprice, Jack had managed to elbow his feelings back into the room, closed the door, locked it twice, and up until now, he thought he had lost the keys. Well, how wrong he was. Because now that Carter has disappeared, the feelings are back.

Jack's heart stops beating when Maybourne says, "I know. I'm sorry. I really am. You know how this game is played and the kind of people who play it. You gotta prepare yourself for the possibility that she may not be coming back." Jack can't prepare himself for this event—he has tried. On multiple occasions. When he got lost on Edora. When she was trapped behind the force shield. When he was about to die in space. When he zatted her twice. All attempts without success, and fortunately, it was never needed. Just like this time. He would find her. No matter what.

* * *

Days later, they finally manage to pinpoint a location where she might be. It's a fragile net of theories, and now it will prove if it holds up. Something tells Jack that it's a race against time. One, he is about to lose it. He has no justification for it. No data, no intel, only a gut feeling, and that is wrenching. As Jack's methodically scouring the abandoned hospital, the feeling becomes more urgent. Another floor is empty, and he lets out a frustrated sigh. Harry turns around, and it takes Jack everything to compose himself. Harry lookings knowingly, and is lucky that he cuts the comment because Jack isn't sure he could have stopped himself from shooting that traitor.

They push through yet another room into yet another hallway, and suddenly hear voices.

"You're going to kill me!" Jack hears Carter say from the other side of the door. He has never heard her voice sound like this. A puzzling realization that this is her end. It causes a hiccup in his chest. One exchange with Harry and they break through the door.

"Hold it, doc. Drop it right now. Don't even fool around. Put it down," Jack says with a strong voice and soft knees.

Carter is tied up to a gurney her face a mix of fear and unbelief. The doctors raise their arms and look like frightened rabbits in front of that furious snake Jack is. Without resistance, they follow Maybourne's command and move away from Carter and give Jack space to step closer. The commotion and almost routine like situation give him time to collect his heartbeat before he looks at her. Carter is not quite back yet at being the Major. Her impending death to fresh. But he knows it will only take a minute before she will recover.

"You all right?"

It's the only thing that matters. Mechanically his eyes scan her body. She moves effortlessly, and besides some bruises around her wrists, which he assumes come from straps, she seems unhurt. He doesn't know what they shot her up with, but she will tell him.

"Yes. Very dramatic. Thank you."

_Okay, she's fine._

"You bet."

"Keys for the cuffs are in his pocket." Carter nods towards one of the doctors. Harry frisks the coat and throws the keys to Jack. He can't help but let his fingers touch her hand when he opens the cuffs. While he radios to Daniel, his hand seems to have it's own mind and wanders onto Carter's tight and gives it a gentle squeeze.

_Only a second later, _but he stops himself right there.

* * *

Hammond has left the infirmary, and only Carter lingers around. She taps on the foot of his bed and looks down at her hands. Just a moment earlier, she was the strong Major all buttoned up, nothing showing from what happened to her. Now she seems nervous and small.

"I'm sorry, Sir," Carter mumbles, and he tries to understand what she is sorry for. Jack can't come up with any good reason why she thinks she needs to apologize, so he squints his eyes and looks at her with the glance that usually calms her down. It doesn't seem to work today.

"I got you into all this trouble because I let myself get captured. I should have…"

"Argh, Carter."

"I'm trained in…"  
"Carter, stop it. It was three against one. No matter your combat skills, they would have gotten you," Jack says and can't believe that he really needs to make her understand that this was not a weak moment.

"It's just," Carter pauses and looks at him with her big blue eyes. There's uncertainty in them. Something that she doesn't show often. "You'd expect it to happen off-world...," she continues and keeps her eyes locked to his sheets.

"Carter." Jack doesn't know how to answer. Her self-doubt has nothing to do with her skills but with the gravity of getting attacked at home. Swiftly Jack looks around—the infirmary is empty. With a groan, he peels himself out of his blanket, swings the legs out of bed, and gets up. For a moment, they look at each other, and then he lifts his arm and nudges his head.

"C' mere," he says.

When Sam looks around, it's a painful reminder that giving her comfort is out of line. But she doesn't seem to care because she steps closer and sinks into his arms. Her nose dugs into his shoulder and he feels her warm breath through the fabric of his shirt.

_Fuck. _

He almost jumps backward, only now realizing that he's only wearing the flimsy hospital gown.

"Uh, ah… I'd better go back…" Jack motions to his bed.

_He's definitely not blushing. Nope._

"Thank you, Sir," Carter says and smiles at him.

"Always, Carter."

As she walks out, she quickly glances over her shoulder with a teasing smile on her lips and a dangerous gleam in her eyes.

_Did she just check him out?_


	13. Fail to safe

**Fail to safe**

_Episode tag to "Failsafe"_

* * *

_This is inspired by my husband. I'm rewatching the show and we're watching Failfafe together and he says: "I would so make out with her if I were going to die." He's right. I can't imagine they always behaved in the way it seemed. So, enjoy :)_

* * *

Tonight isn't a night for thinking too much. They saved the world yet again. This time in a way you've seen on the big screens, produced by Hollywood, acted out by some glamorous, good looking stars. Of course, most of the astrophysics would be wrong. Nevertheless, the actors would have succeeded just the way SG-1 had. One thing missing in the real-life version of this blockbuster is the oh so classic love story. Or is it? Because the glances Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter are exchanging tonight are anything but professional. There's a buzz in the air—too much alcohol mixed with the incredible feeling of having saved the world yet again. It might be narcissistic, but there's nothing compared to that high that lifts you to a different sphere after a world-rescue-mission. It's why they do it. And as much as they all hope no one is trying to destroy or overtake earth soon, this job would be nothing without it. Anyways, this buzz is especially buzzing between Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter—or shall we say Jack and Sam just for tonight?

The gods must be in their favor—if they weren't Goa'Ulds that constantly try to wipe them out—because they are back at O'Malleys. It seems that half of Stargate command is here. Letting off steam after almost losing their home planet. It is odd to look around and watch civilians minding their very small lives, complaining about a too raw steak or arguing with their husbands and wives when only hours ago this planet, thus their lives were on the brink of extinction.

Jack takes a sip of his beer and watches Sam lean forward on the pool table to finish off Major Wade. Before she hits the ball, her eyes jump up and pierce into Jack's. There's a wicked glint in them. A teasing smile hushes over her lips when she quickly takes aim and pots the eight into the final hole. Wade shakes his head and says something, but neither Sam or Jack are listening because her eyes are back at his and there's danger in them. She casually strolls over, on the way, grabbing two fresh beer from the passing waitress.

"So, are we gonna play or what?" she says, and it's not even subtly suggestive.

How they got to this point of the night, neither of them knows. It might have started on the ship. After they saved the world and waited for life support to end a million thoughts rushed through their heads. Things like 'We're going to die, so how bad would it be if I just kissed her?' And 'If we make it out this time, I will tell him.' Add the heroic feeling of saving the world and an impressive amount of alcohol, and you get the explosive mix that's between Sam and Jack tonight. It's as if he's the naquadah asteroid and she is the nuke. If they clash the atmosphere will catch fire. Even though his alarm is on DEFCON one, Jack leans closer and whispers, "Oh, believe me, I wanna play."

He's in on every game she chooses.

His words make her nervous, but tonight she doesn't pull back. Tonight she feels invincible and brave enough to spear into dangerous territory.

"Let's go then," she says. Now it's him who's getting nervous.

_This can't be happening_, the man in him cheers in excited unbelief.

_This can't be happening,_ the Colonel in him commands.

But with the appearance of a mischievous smile on her lips, the Colonel in him disappears. Jack takes another swig and gets up. He lifts his eyebrows and mumbles, "Have my six, Carter."

„Always," she answers and lets her eyes jump to his butt. She doesn't berate herself for it and simply enjoys the view.

They must have left rationality back on the asteroid because when she follows him outside, stealthily enough for no one to notice, there's no hesitation in her movement. He pushes through the door, but before Sam can follow Major Davis steps in front of her.

"Major," he says with a beer-heavy tongue. "You're a real superhero. You know that? One day they'll make a movie of all the adventures SG-1 went on. You'll get your own action figure." He slurs and smiles a broad, loopy smile. "Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter, Dr. Jackson, and Teal'c. The heroes of planet earth," he continues, and with the mentioning of their names and titles, she feels a sting and seconds later, her bubble of euphoria bursts.

The doubts she should have had much earlier hit in full swing when she steps outside, and cold air fills her lungs. A lump as big as the asteroid blocks her throat, and she has to look up to stop the tears. A beautiful night sky spreads above her, and puts her right back on earth—the place they saved and that comes with rules and regulations that don't take into account that the planet was almost wiped out, and SG-1 almost died protecting it. None of this matters to the rule book.

"Hey," he says, and she turns to spot him leaning against his car. When she finds his eyes, she sees he has come to the same revelation.

Sam lets out a sigh that comes from a place deep within her. The moment that wasn't supposed to be is over. And yet their eyes can't let go of each other. Sadness has replaced the earlier victorious smiles. Once again, they missed their chance. Maybe back on the ship with only hours to live, they could have gone to this forbidden place, but now that everything's back to normal, they can't. Damn missed opportunities.

Sam pulls her lip in and lowers her eyes, unable to shrug the heavy feeling on her chest. She walks over to his car and leans next to him. Her bare arm grazes his in the mild summer air. Both arms hang there. A little forced and lifted from their torsos to keep that little bit of contact they can have—and need so badly.

"It's not fair," she whispers, choking down the tears that threaten to drown her voice.

"It's not," he says. Sam can feel the muscle in his arm twist slightly, and then his finger brush over the back of her hand.

It can't happen because it's more than just a drunk one-night-stand. It's all or nothing. And because she will always be all to him and because this is all they can ever have, this moment is everything. He doesn't dare say any of this into the unpoised silence. She thinks the same and doesn't voice it because how would it make this situation any better?

He lets out a heavy sigh and leans his head back at the truck; she does so too. The universe sparkles above them. Billions of planets waiting to be explored, two enemies waiting to be defeated and under all of it a life waiting to be lived. With a glorious swoosh a shooting star swoops over the night sky. Even though neither of them believes in signs or destiny, this means something. When their eyes meet, the frustration is gone, and all they can see in each other's glances is devotion. As dramatic as it sounds, there's no other way to put it. A small smile spreads on his lips and tugs on hers.

"Jack!"

As always, Daniel has impeccable timing when he stumbles out of the bar, followed by Teal'c.

"Sam! Coffee! Teal'c and I are going to Suzie's Diner."

Colonel O'Neill looks back to Carter and wiggles his eyebrows. "They have great cake there."

Carter chuckles and says, "Sounds good, Sir."

They keep their eye contact for a second longer, and then Colonel O'Neill throws his car keys to Teal'c and says, „Don't speed."


	14. Revealed

**Revealed**

_Missing scene for "Revelation"_

* * *

_I always tried to pinpoint the episode where things changed between them. After rewatching, I'm pretty sure that Daniel's death and how Jack deals with it is a pivot point in their relationship._

* * *

It's his way of self-defense. By now, she knows him well enough to look under the surface of discipline and military control. Nevertheless, it hurts because it's a reminder of how duty will always come first. With Daniel gone, it becomes clear what fragile balance the construct of SG-1 is. She had always thought of it as a family—professional but still family. The guys understand her better than her real family does. Now she's not sure if she was the only one thinking that way. Because they just lost a family member and all Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c do is act as if nothing has happened.

Yes, Daniel is not dead but ascended. But first of all, what difference does it make? He's gone. And secondly, maybe everyone who dies ascends. She's not religious, never believed the aunts and neighbors who said her mom was in heaven now, but with what happened to Daniel, she's not sure what to believe in anymore. She tries not to think that her mom is ascended too, but the thought keeps creeping into her head, drugging her with another sorrow.

Sam hurls her left boot into a corner of the dressing room. It ricochets off a locker door with a loud bang.

"Sam?"

_Of course_. She slips once, and Janet is there.

"Yeah," Sam says and gets up to collect her punished boot.

"Isn't it a bit early to go back on a mission?" Janet says while she towels through her wet hair.

Janet is a good listener and a good advisor. Sam knows that. Just like she knows that Janet mourns the loss of Daniel just as much. Maybe she even feels guilty because she couldn't save his life. And yet Janet doesn't understand it at all. She's not part of SG-1. She hasn't been through the things they have been through. She is a supporting actor who makes an appearance once in a while. Talking to Janet won't help as talking to Teal'c or the Colonel would. And if Sam is honest, only Colonel O'Neill can help her deal with this. She needs him. And it makes her even more angry at him.

"Try to tell that Colonel O'Neill," Sam scoffs and finishes lacing her left boot.

"Still not talking?"

Sam huffs as an answer and slips into her BDU jacket. Janet is getting ready to say something else. Judging by how long it takes her to find the right words, Sam isn't sure if she wants to hear what comes next.

"When you were in a coma after the entity transported your mind into the computer, he didn't leave your side," Janet says, and her words send a chill to Sam's core.

"He didn't talk to anyone either. He just sat there and looked at you."

"Janet." Sam needs her to stop.

"It's his way of mourning."

"Janet."

"I'm here to talk," Janet says, and when Sam turns around, she can see the honest sorrow in her friend's face. For a moment, Sam's anger dissolves, and she manages a small smile.

"Maybe we can have dinner when I'm back? With Cassie?"

"That would be nice. She misses Daniel too."

Sam nods and turns around, afraid that Janet will see the tears that have gathered up in her eyes.

"Sam," Janet's voice stops her before she exits the room. "Be careful."

It is as if Janet's words manifest for the first time that their job means danger. It had always been a known thing. Obvious for military personnel—even more so for SGC personnel. Usually, they didn't tell each other to be careful and stay safe. Because those words mean nothing. You can't do your job and be careful and stay safe. Janet knows that. But Daniel's loss has changed things, shown what it means to go through the gate, even on a seemingly easy mission.

* * *

Intergalactic travel used to be fun. They would take turns at flying the ship, shared stories, played games, slept. Nothing special, but Sam holds fond memories of them. Now, without Daniel and Colonel O'Neill basically not speaking this two-day trip reminds her of the time her dad had taken her and Mark to her grandparents right after her mom's death. They had spent eight hours in the car without saying a single word. Mark angry at Jacob. Jacob too hurt to interact with his kids. And Sam mad at both of them and the rest of the world.

Besides a Kelno'reem, Teal'c is flying all the way, and Sam hangs out with him as much as possible. The earlier conversation with Teal'c restored some trust into the men she calls her family. Similar feelings must bubble somewhere deep down in the Colonel, and Sam is determined to get to them. She does not realize what demons she can summon if she digs too deep.

O'Neill has not left the back room of the cargo ship since they departed. Sam doesn't want his company, but she's been up for the past 21 hours and can hardly keep her eyes open. Carefully, to not wake him, she walks in and takes off her jacket.

"I was about to order you to rest," the Colonel says as he rolls around. He watches Sam unlace her boot and pull it off her left foot.

"Just like you ordered me to forget about Daniel?" Sam snaps back.

_At least she didn't throw the boot at him,_ she thinks, but judging by the look on his face she might as well.

"Carter," he growls, and it sounds like a threat.

But she's done letting him push her away.

"What if it were me?"

It's not fair. Sam knows that, but she doesn't care. She needs him to talk to her. She needs him to come out of the shell he snailed into and be there for her. She needs him not to be her CO, but to be the man that is everything for her.

"Carter," he sounds dangerous, and the look he throws at her is intimidating. He can scare people with that look, consistently does, but not her. Not now. She pinches her eyes and glares right back at him. A quiet challenge to let him know she's not backing up — not this time.

"You wouldn't be stupid enough to put your hand in there," he finally says. The words come out cautiously as if he's afraid the wrong words lead him into the trap Sam has set out.

"It was a heroic act. Daniel saved the lives of millions." _No, not backing up._

"Carter, I'm not having this conversation."

"Right. You don't have any conversation about it. You just expect me to go back to normal and act as if nothing has happened."

"Exactly, Major."

Usually, pulling the ranks works for her. Just that this anything but usual.

"Would you just move on and pretend it didn't matter if it were me?"

She regrets the words as they leave her mouth. This has nothing to do with Daniel anymore—she knows, and he knows. But losing Daniel has never only been about Daniel. It had been about SG-1 and in a greater sense about him and her. About what they once felt for each other. About the trust and believe she has in him, and that is severely shaken right now.

"It would not make a difference," he says with a steady voice and steady eyes.

His words are a punch thrown at her with full force, leaving her airless and in pain. He gets up and is about to flee the room but then comes to a stop. Without turning around he says, "This is the job we've decided is more important than anything else."


	15. The Path to Redemption

**The Path to Redemption**

_Missing scene from 'Redemption'_

"Whatcha doin?" Jack says after standing in the doorway for a few minutes. Carter hasn't noticed him yet. She's so emerged in whatever numbers flicker over her screen. When she looks up, she has this hazy expression on her face. He doesn't catch her often like this, but when he does, it makes his insides warm and fuzzy.

"Analyzing the data that came through the gate. There must be a way…"

"You know that we just solved that problem," he interrupts her and steps closer. "In fact, I just ejected out of a hyperspace spaceship after saving the world—again."

She smiles that Carter smile of hers and tilts her head.

"Yes, Sir. I'm glad you're back," she says, and for a moment, Jack wonders if their old intimacy is back. But then she looks away, and it's gone.

Ever since Daniel's death, things are different. And he's to blame for it. Carter had reached out to him. Made clear that she needed him to get through their loss. But he had retreated into his protective shell and locked her out. It's not the same, but yet it is in many ways similar to when Charlie died. He hadn't been able to share his feelings with Sarah just like now he isn't able to share them with Carter. It has created an abyss between them, and the rope he's trying to throw over to get back onto her side is too short.

"Shouldn't you be packing?" Jack says and is heart picks up a beat because not even a half a year ago, they had talked about what could be if the war were over. Not even three months ago, they had almost slipped after saving earth from that asteroid. Now they saved Earth yet again, and even though the constant threat isn't over, the Stargate program is.

"Yeah. I guess I can analyze that later," Carter says and closes her laptop.

"In Nevada?" he asks a question that is more a statement.

She lifts her eyebrows in surprise.

"Common Carter, they've been up my ass ever since you invented that particle beam thingy," Jack says and leans casually against the table. She invented the beam to bring him back, but right now, he's further away from her than ever.

"I haven't really thought about it… We'll have to build bigger ships for defense now that we can't use the gate."

Jack nods, once again not knowing how to continue this conversation, let alone where to take it. The situation is loaded. If they were co-workers, they would talk about the next moves in their careers. If they were team members, they would tell each other that the time with SG-1 had been the best in their lives. If they were friends, they would decide to go for dinner and assure each other to stay in contact. In some way, they are all of the above, but in the most crucial way, they are none of it. Suddenly there is the possibility that has never presented itself before but maybe because they have drifted apart or perhaps because they are both not the kind of people that throw themselves into emotional adventures they don't know what to do with it.

"What are you going to do, Sir?" Carter asks.

"Fishing?" he says with a dorky smile, and Carter huffs just like the last time he had said that. She looks at him with big, challenging eyes.

His brain starts to entertain the thought of inviting her again. The idea wanders from his brain to his heart, where it causes a nervous flutter_._ When his brain notices the reaction of his heart, it starts to wonder if it's too soon—if they need more time before he can ask her. Because, what if she says no? This time there is no apparent reason to decline other than that she is not interested in spending time with him. This new thought wanders from his brain back to his heart, and the light flutter is replaced with a crunching feeling. Before this inner dialogue between heart and brain can continue, Carter says, "I can't believe that it's over. Just like that."

"Yeah," he says. He can't believe it either.

"Who would have thought that you and I are the last ones left?"

He's not sure if she is saying what he hears, so he decides to stick to safe grounds.

"Teal'c is fine. He's with his family, leads the Jaffa resistance, fights the Goa'Uld. He likes doing all of it. Hey, maybe he'll come and visit by ship," Jack says, practicing an old skill of his–playing things down. He wants to add that maybe Daniel will come back too, but this topic is still their weak point, and he doesn't want to destroy the little bit of connection they are having right now.

"He'll probably enjoy spending more time with Rya'c," Carter says, and he sees her thoughts wander off.

"Your dad has a ship too," Jack says, and judging by the thankful smile on her face, he read her right. Maybe this is the right moment. Not to jump to impetuous measures but to tell her that he hopes this is not a goodbye. The realization hits him that from now on, his life will be without Carter on his side. They won't be a team anymore and neither anything else. It's not the right time. Whatever there was between them has changed into something new, and he doesn't yet know what. Maybe time will tell what they feel. Perhaps distance will reveal if they have the strong connection he thought they had.

"Well, last time I checked Nevada and Minnesota are on the same planet," Jack says.

A soft smile flutters over Carter's face and comes to rest in her eyes. She lets out a breath—it's shaky and reveals the emotions bottled up in her. It's the first time Jack can see through her and the first time since Daniel's ascended that he feels they can be good again.

"It's not a goodbye," Carter says, and it's half question, half statement.

"It's not," he answers, maybe too quickly, but so what.

The words swing over the abyss between them and form a fragile suspension bridge that looks wobbly, but Jack knows it's strong enough for whatever they will send its way. Not now, but maybe in the future, they can turn it into a more permanent bridge, and perhaps even further in the future, they'll be back on the same side of the gorge. But before Jack can test the bridge, Walter appears in the doorway.

"Colonel, welcome back," Walter says. "General Hammond is waiting for you in his office."

Jack nods at Walter and out of the corner of his eye, notices how Carter slightly flushes. The lovely light pink is a good sign.

"Packing then," he says and heads for the exit when her words stop him.

"I'm bringing cake."

"Cake?"

"To Hammond's bbq."

He can't stop the smile from spreading and his heart from opening.

"What kind of cake?"

"I thought chocolate."

"With extra frosting?"

She nods. "Yeah, someone I know really likes cake."

"That someone must be pretty amazing when Doctor Major Samantha Carter is making a cake for him."

She smiles and grabs a random thing on her desk.

"I've got packing to do, Sir."

* * *

_Feedback and comments keep me writing._


	16. Touch down

**Touch down**

_Jack's thoughts during 'Descent' and missing scene (reference to Redemption)_

People say life flashes before their eyes when they're about to die. Jack can't say that's true for him. And he's been in quite some near-death moments. Not to speak of actually dying and resurrecting by a sarcophagus or the Knox. So consequently, when the water rises, he doesn't think about how his dad had taught him to fish, the time he kissed Susan Glenn behind the gym, when he scored the match-making goal with a broken shin, his first flight in an F-15 or Charlie's giggle.

The icy water floods in fast enough so that within seconds air will give away to water that will first fill their mouths then their lungs. There's nothing Jack can do besides hoping that Jacob will somehow manage to open the doors before it's too late.

With life not flashing through his mind and the only option of getting out being obvious, his mind has space to think about whatever it wants. And since he's drowning with Carter, his thoughts swim around her. The thoughts are not of regret. They don't descend to the dark place of 'what could have been', what they could have had. Instead, they float to a peaceful place. If he's going to die today, drown in the freezing waters of the Pacific Ocean, he will do so with the one person that matters most to him.

Everything that has happened in the past month has put a new spin on their relationship. It had been hot feelings and almost uncontrollable at first, then turned cold and numb for a while, and now it's simple. There is no drama; no flirts anymore. Maybe it's surrender. Maybe they've just entered a state of content. Nevertheless, it's still there like something indestructible.

When the water closes the gap to the ceiling, they pull their last breath and lock eyes. They don't let go of each other when vision gets blurry. They don't panic, even though they might in some minutes when the urge to take a breath becomes overwhelming, and they will open their mouth to gasp for air that will be water that drowns them. Muffled by the water, Jacob's voice comes through the radio.

"Sam, I'm sorry."

So there it is. No way out. At least they are together.

* * *

Hours later, when they are in a hopeless situation once again, Jack can't keep his hands of Carter. It started with grabbing her shirt and pulling her up when the water finally subsided. Since then he's touched her shoulder when they left the room turned pool, her knee when they rested on the throne steps, and now his hand is on her back— of course only to resolve the pressure that yet again the responsibility of getting them out lies entirely on her shoulders. She has rescued them out of so many impossible circumstances that Jack can't see a scenario where she won't get them out of this one. Before he even notices his hand squeezes her shoulder tightly. It's meant to comfort her, but feeling the warmth of her skin through her shirt gives him comfort too. The look Carter shoots him reveals that she has noticed his urge to touch her. He smiles and moves his hand away, and it's a disappointing feeling.

The computerized Goa'Uld voice crumps through the mothership speakers, and Carter looks up.

"What'd he say?" Jack asks.

"We are being advised that in approximately seven minutes, the ship will be destroyed," Teal'c says.

"Ah, see?" Jack says with a fake-relaxed expression glued on his face. "Plenty of time."

Jack looks to Carter and spots his hand on her shoulder. _Goddammit__, again?_

He pats her shoulder to finish the move and make it look inconspicuous. He's done a year's worth of touching today. If not more.

"This terminal isn't tied into the primary system. I can't reroute the power from here," Carter says, and he immediately wants to touch her again. Today seems to be the day to die. And on your last day on Earth it's okay to touch Carter. But then, like a shimmer of hope, the panel illuminates, and Carter says, "Forcefield just came online."

_Scratch that, today is not a day to die._

"Nice!" Jack says.

"It wasn't me," Carter says. Her eyes snatch his hand, which, deprived of the place it really wants to go, clenches, and stretches next to his body.

"Jonas," Teal'c says with a sliver of proudness.

"Let's go," Jack says and digs his fingers into his leg to stop them from tapping Carter on the back.

They are not going to die, so he's gotta stop touching her.

* * *

It won't work. Maybe Jack's hands are still protesting after he forced them off Carter's body. He's done it hundreds of times. For first days and last ones, for promotions and memorials. But today, when he's supposed to meet the president because they saved Earth yet again, his fingers object and won't tie his tie in a way that is Air Force or President suitable. Jack curses and lets his arms drop to let blood flow back into them when there's a gentle knock on his door. A smirk whooshes over his lips because he's pretty sure who's standing in front of his quarters. He opens the door and tries to look as innocent as possible when Carter's wide-eyed gaze meets his.

"You don't happen to have anything to do with this invitation?" she says.

The fact that she's still in her BDU tells Jack that she's come here right after Hammond handed her the official invitation. She's got thirty minutes before takeoff, yet she made her way to him first.

His reply is another smirk.

"How?" Carter inquires.

"Oh, I had a plus one, and I told the president I would like to bring you," Jack says, deciding that he's going to enjoy the moment. The past two events of almost dying or saving earth last minute changed their relationship once again. The alienation after Daniel's ascend has yielded to something you could describe as the early moments between them. Innocent and testing. Just that by now, Carter knows Jack better than he knows himself, so she doesn't fall for his obvious tease.

"Carter," Jack says and turns back to the mirror. His tongue might end up entangled, but his tie won't just slip into the right position. "You deserve it much more than I do. Without you, Earth would have exploded twice in the last month only. And if we're honest here: without you, I couldn't even play the hero. I would be either stuck on Edora, killed by techno bugs, or frozen in space."

"Thanks, Sir," Carter says with her always present understatement. "But I didn't risk my life. I just came up with some ideas without even knowing for sure if they'd work or kill you. So, you are the hero." She looks at him like she really believes it, and it makes his blood sing, and his heart hum away.

"Argh, Carter. I was just the only one around who had nothing to lose," Jack says to get out of that dangerous situation they're about to slip into. He feels the urge to touch her again, so he lifts his hands back to his tie and starts fidgeting with the thing that needs his fingers' attention.

Carter looks at him for a quiet moment, and as always, it says more than words would do. That's how they communicate. Without words. Because they mean nothing when your head and heart are connected.

He swings the long end over the short one when Carter's hands are suddenly covering his. She locks eyes with him, and for a stupid moment he thinks she is going to kiss him. But of course not. She nudges her head, and Jack lets his hands fall to the sides of his body. With quick movements she starts tying his tie. When she tightens the knot around his neck, she pulls him a tad closer, so when she looks up, her hands resting on his chest now, he can almost feel her breath on his face.

"Maybe you have nothing to lose. But there are people here that would lose everything if you die," she says in a sincerity that shows him for the first time since he held Charlie that it's not his country or his planet or maybe the universe that needs him, but one single person. And that means more than anything else.

Carter gifts him a smile and then steps back, leaving a hot imprint of her palm on his chest and of her words on his heart.

"I gotta get ready."

He nods as he watches her walk to the door.

"You think there will be cake?" Jack says because all the things he wants to say he can't say.

"It's just a meeting in his office, Sir," Carter answers but then smiles. "But I do know a diner that serves maybe the best cake in DC. We can check it out afterward?"

"See, that's the real reason why I got you invited," Jack says and grabs his hat. "Topside in 20?"

"Yes, Sir," Carter answers and takes in his blue Air Force glory. He's pleased to notice that she likes what she sees.

* * *

_Reviews keep me writing._


	17. Thaw

**Thaw**

_Sam's thoughts during 'Frozen'_

She feels proud of herself when she tells General Hammond that they can't just put the Tok'Ra symbiote into Colonel O'Neill. That it needs to be his decision. Fighting for his right is the right thing to do—as his team member and as the person who loves him.

Right, we're back at it.

Sam is not really at the state of admitting those feelings yet. She had been good at hating him for how he dealt with Daniel's ascensions. Good at going back to being professional—the way she acted and most recently also in how she felt—but watching as he's dying blows the cloud of illusion that's floating around her head away. With clear sight, she sees her feelings for him approaching quickly. She still hopes she can dodge them, but when he mutters, "Over my dead body." it's a full-frontal crash with her love for him.

The next thing she does, she is not proud of.

"Sir, please," she begs.

But it's not begging because deep inside of her, she knows that he will do it if she asks him to. She shouldn't have. Should have accepted his decision. The one he made entirely for himself. But then she throws herself into the equation. With the change of the formula, the result changes in her favor. Not a fair move but a very well calculated one.

She can't lose him. Not like this. Not when he can be saved so easily. It's selfish, especially because she won't tell him why she begged him to take the symbiote. Nothing will change when he comes back. They will continue being Colonel and Major; there's no way they will be anything else; only now she knows that he would do anything for her. It's not that she will ever take advantage of this power. Only this time, she promises herself. Only because this is such a useless death. Not worthy of the great man Jack O'Neill is. If anyone deserves cheating death, it's him.


	18. Way up

**Way up **

_Episode tag to "Abyss"_

When her car stops, his front door opens. Jack freezes by the sight of Sam while inside of her, something gets moving. Sam hadn't thought much about what she was going to say. Hadn't been sure she would even get out of the car. There should have been time to sit and contemplate coming here. That's what Sam had thought. But now there's no time.

Chip, Cassie's brown Shibu, weasels around the Colonel's feet as he walks towards her car. She remembers that Janet and Cassie are in Miami and that the Colonel is taking care of Chip whenever they are gone. It's a cliche, but looking at Chip or Cassie always reminds Sam of how much time has passed in what seems a blink. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday when Sam first challenged the man, that now taps on her window, to arm wrestle. Sam opens the door, gets out, and finds herself getting lost in his questioning glance. It's moments like this when it feels like she has known him forever.

"Whatcha doing in this neck of the woods?" he says.

For a man that has died a dozen times, he looks fantastic. Tall, tan, strong, a healthy glow radiating off him. No trace whatsoever of the torments he has been through—at least ordinary people can be fooled. Sam, on the other hand, is an expert. She can read him like one of her astrophysics books. His eyes and face and little twitches a language in itself, one you needed to train and frequently use to understand—a language she is fluent in by now. However, reading it is one thing, speaking it a very different one.

"I… uh... " Carter stammers. She's here because she fears that he will disappear again when she lets him out of her sight. But she can't tell him that, can she?

He's easy on her. _I… uh..._ as explanatory as a full-length Carter technobabble.

"We were going for a walk, wanna join?"

She nods, smiles thankfully, and bends down to pat the fox-like Chip, who jumps up and down like an excited yo-yo.

"Let's take my car. It's all hair already," Colonel O'Neill says.

A long walk, it seems. A driving somewhere walk. Sam is not sure if this is a good idea, and yet she climbs into O'Neill's truck without hesitation. Chip jumps on her lap, licks her face, and she can't hold back a giggle. O'Neill chuckles next to her, and the strange feeling of normality spreads. This is how it could be. In an alternate universe, in a different time.

They drive for twenty minutes, wrapped in comfortable silence. Sam stares out of the window, watching trees blur by and merge into an abstract green and brown painting. Chip has rolled up on her lap like a cat. Every mile and then the Colonel glances over. He knows exactly why she came, and it tells her everything about how good they could be. It's a thought she quickly stuffs back to where it came from. For now, she is content she has him back.

They come to a stop amid the mountains. Summer is cooler up here. Colonel O'Neill gives Sam a once over and pulls a flannel from the backseat.

"It can get chilly," he says.

Slipping into his shirt feels like arriving. Sam didn't even know she had been on the road, searching, until his smell encases her. It's not the proximity she wants, yet the only one she can have. Content.

Going on a walk with Jack O'Neill has surprisingly little similarity with marching next to Colonel O'Neill over an alien planet. Funny enough, the only thing that is the same is that earth looks like any other alien planet. The way he moves is foreign. At ease, strolling, he seems free, and she wonders if he has dealt with his captivity as well as he pretends.

After a 40 minute hike, the trees open up to a turquoise lake. With a big splash for such a little dog, Chip jumps into the crystal clear water, and Jack and Sam sit down on a dead log.

"So?" he says as he throws Chip a stick.

Only now she realizes that all she said since she found herself in front of his house is _I… uh…._

"Just came by to walk the dog?" he continues.

She smiles. He can read her as well as she can read him.

"Pretty much," Sam answers.

"Nice."

Sam wants to ask how he is doing only she's not going to. It's another Jack O'Neill formula she has figured out. So they sit silently next to each other, enjoying their company until words fall out of her mouth before they have the chance to chafe her.

"If I hadn't talked you into taking the…"

It's not that her words surprise her. It's the redirect they have chosen, with brutal honesty as new destination.

"Carter," he sighs. It's an 'It's okay, you did the right thing' kind of Carter. Usually, she would stop talking. An outsider would think she'd given up, but to Jack and her, it would have been an entire conversation. However, this time, she surprises herself with what she is saying next.

"If I hadn't talked you into taking the Tok'Ra symbiote," Sam says again. "You would be dead now."

He didn't expect this. The Carter-language he has learned to understand suddenly sounds foreign.

"I am angry and infuriated about what happened to you, but we have you back, and that's all that matters," Sam says and as if to assure herself—and him too—that he is here, back with her, she squeezes his hand.

Colonel O'Neill's eyes drop to their hands. He doesn't move. Doesn't pull his hand out, not even a muscle twitches, and yet his warmth is the reciprocation of her touch. A sigh slips out of her throat, punctuating the sentences that still hangs between them. Each time he gets lost or injured or uploads alien technology in his brain brings her closer to the edge. Right now her toes are dangling over the abyss and gravel plummets into the depth, forecasting the way she will follow if this keeps happening. Sam is not sure how to get off the edge and back to solid ground. Another incident and she's going to fall.

Their eyes are still on their hands when a drop lands on Sam's skin, and above them, a flash cracks the sky open, and hell breaks loose. Sam's and Jack's heads shoot to the gray painted canopy. The sky growls. Chip ducks his tail, starts whining, and searches cover. The world illuminates. Sam can feel the buzzing tingle of energy. Another deafening rumble. "We need to find cover," she yells. A tree explodes. "Follow me," O'Neill barks, all Colonelesque. Thunder. Branches slice their faces and arms. Brightness. They stumble through the understory. Roar. Where is he headed? Flash. A tiny hut. Boom. Wood splatters. Crack. Safe.

* * *

The thunderstorm has found a home in the clouds above the hut in which Sam and Jack sit in front of a crackling fire. Their clothes are almost dry, and Chip has calmed down, lifting his head only every other rumble in the sky.

"You brought cards?" O'Neill asks and flicks a chestnut in the air.

"No, Sir."

"We're not on a mission, Carter. Go easy on the Sirs."

"Yes," Sam says, which sounds incomplete without the obligatory Sir that accompanies almost anything she says.

"How long do you think it will last?" He peeks out of the window, looking for something other than rain and trees which only show themselves when a flash splits the sky and the forest appears frozen in time like a snapshot from a different time.

"It will be dark in an hour, so even if it stops, we are trapped here for the night," Sam says and tells her sudden nervous self, it's just like on a mission.

O'Neill lifts his eyebrows and digs in his pockets.

"Dog treats?"

Sam chuckles. "No, thanks."

He flicks the treat to Chip and says, "I would do anything for an MRE now."

"We're on earth, so I'd go with pizza."

"Pepperoni…" O'Neill says in a dreamy voice. "We should grab Pizza for breakfast. Once it's light outside and we get outta here."

"Yes, Sir."

He regards her with another eyebrow lift, and then silence spreads over them like a warm blanket, heavy just the comfortable way. Another thunder rolls, then a flash illuminates the room. Sam leans back and closes her eyes, listening intently to the pounding rain and the upset sky. Warmth spreads in her chest, and her muscles relax. She curls deeper into the smell of his shirt.

"Why do you like storms so much?" he says with a cozy voice. When Sam opens her eyes, she finds him looking at her.

"I don't know. It makes me feel small and protected. Like there's no other place in the world I need to be."

"Yeah, right here is good."

His lips twitch into a quick smile and then, to distract from this confession, he says, "You remember our first year? When Daniel thought we're under attack, but it was just a storm?"

"Yeah. I was the one he ripped out of sleep."

She smiles at the memory of Daniel shaking her vigorously with panic painted on his face while thunders hailed over their heads. Before Sam had been able to calm him down, he shot out of the tent and fell over Colonel O'Neill, who was sitting outside on watch.

"He has come a long way," O'Neill says with a reminiscent tone.

"Uh-huh," is all Sam can say because her heartache of losing Daniel is threatening to overwhelm her, and with it comes the reminder of how close she came to losing Jack too.

"He was there," Colonel O'Neill mumbles. It takes Sam a moment to wrap her head around what he just said. It's the first time they talked about Daniel since he ascended.

"When I was captured… he… appeared," the Colonel continues.

He looks at her like he needs her to believe him. And she wants to. But Daniel appeared?

"Yeah, I'm probably just bananas," he says and is willing to leave it right there, but she has finally caught up to him. If Daniel is ascended, maybe he can come back.

"What did he say?"

The Colonel looks up, surprised that she believes him.

"He knew you guys had figured out a plan."

"How?"

"Will ask him next time he pops by," he answers, but by the flinch on Sam's face knows that was the wrong joke to make.

"Seemed like ascending comes with some perks. Like knowing things," Jack adds to stop the sudden thunder building in Sam's emotions.

"Why didn't he help you?" It's the obvious question, and she doesn't know that's the one still bothering Jack too.

"That's against the rules."

"Ah."

"My words. He offered to beam me up, though."

"He asked you to give up?"

Sam stares at him like a shiny mirror reflecting the fear he had felt every time he woke up in the sarcophagus with a little piece of soul missing. In the next flash of light, his guards come down. It's a quick moment, but of course, she notices. She sees the raw emotions in his face: the pain, the suffering, the fear.

"Well…" he says and pinches the bridge of his nose. He doesn't need to say more for her to understand how he had felt—that he had wanted to give up.

For the second time today and maybe ever since they met, she grabs his hand and holds it tightly.

"But you didn't." What she wants to say is: because you are strong, because you can't be broken. But in front of her sits a man she doesn't know — someone who has shattered into pieces and just got glued back together with superglue. One wrong touch and he is going to fall apart again. Time given he will become whole again, and maybe you won't notice the missing pieces.

"Because Daniel was there and because I knew you wouldn't give up." He turns his hand in her hers and grips her wrist tightly.

"I could never give up on you," she says, and the look in his eyes push her a little further over the abyss.

**Comments keep me writing.**


	19. Paradise not found

**Paradise not found**

_Episode tag to 'Paradise lost'_

_This is the story that started this series. I have been waiting to share this one for 18 updates now and it's still one of my favorites. Looking forward to hear what you think. Thanks for all the comments so far._

* * *

The moment they descend through the atmosphere, his transmitter signal starts sending. Sinking through the clouds, the sky clears to reveal a lush, green planet. Teal'c navigates the Tel'tak towards the pulsing little dot that is supposed to be Colonel O'Neill. Unconsciously Sam taps her finger on the control panel, drumming an anxious rhythm, which Teal'c regards with raising his left eyebrow. Nervousness spreads from her like a heavy perfume. The way she bites her lip, the slight redness on her neck, not to mention the finger tapping that becomes faster as they get closer to the surface gives away everything she's feeling—but for now, Teal'c understands it better than she does. It only takes a few more seconds before the Tel'tak is low enough to spot him. Colonel O'Neill is kneeling next to Maybourne in the yellow grass, looking up at them with a satisfied smirk. Sam already saw him from further away, focussing her eyes on him, trying to make out if he's moving—if he's alive. She watches him get up and wave awkwardly as the Tel'Tak lands, and for a brief, peaceful moment, she is relieved. It's a feeling not there to last because it's followed directly by another kind of nervousness. Not the 'do we find him' question, but the 'how am I supposed to go back to normal' thought. Her fingers have stopped drumming; now, they hang trembling in the air. Sam curls them into a fist and tries to calm her nerves with a deep breath and a fake smile—unsuccessfully.

"He seems fine," Jonas says.

Her brain huffs about his comment. Fine. How fine can one be when you just got tortured to death and then were lost in an alien wilderness for weeks? Maybe Colonel O'Neill is. He has a talent for not getting bothered. She, on the other hand, is not fine. Air is trapped in her chest, weighing her down instead of lifting her up. She had thought she lost him. Again.

At one point, they must run out of luck. How many lives does a Jack O'Neill have? Next time something like this happens might be the last time. It hits her like an impact on the closed iris—dull, heavy, deadly. Before she was stuck in fear of not finding him, in the obsession of bringing him back, now Sam fears the one time she can't bring him back and that when this happens, he still doesn't know how she feels for him.

Sam hears Teal'c get up, but can't get herself to move. She stares out of the window and hopes that the reflection doesn't give away how her face is falling apart. Colonel O'Neill is looking at her with that grin. A reconfirmed look—he knew they would find him. But as he notices she's not moving, just standing there, staring right at him, his grin makes way to a worried expression.

"MajorCarter," Teal'c says with the same soft voice from the locker room. "Are you joining us in greeting ColonelO'Neill."

Only now, she notices that she has held her breath for god knows how long. She lets it out in small shaky breaths, trying to compose her voice for this one sentence, knowing that after that, she's going to fall apart.

"Go ahead, I'm… checking this circuit here… there's something…" Sam utters. Teal'c just flew the Tel'Tak and knows everything is fine—with the ship at least. But he has an idea of what is going on inside of her. After all, he had watched her break down in despair. So he bows his head and lets her be. Allows her to have a few seconds to gather her emotional spill and form it back into that strong soldier whose greatest weakness is Colonel Jack O'Neill.

As soon as Sam hears the doors of the Tel'Tak close behind Teal'c, there's no stopping of her tears. Uncontrollably they sneak out of her eyes, each and every one of them betraying the facade she's trying to keep up. It's her breaking point. The only thoughts she can form is how badly her body and her heart wants to step outside and wrap him in her arms, pull him closely, smell that mustardy scent of days without a shower, feel the scruff of his beard, his lips on her neck. It's such a deep-rooted urge she can almost feel him. But her head says no. So she stands there, torn and tormented. Not knowing how long she can keep on lying to herself. But she tries anyway. Tries to call forth the feeling of relief that they found him, the satisfaction of having solved yet another problem. Tries to smile it away, but every smile is washed away with yet another tear.

She watches Jonas and Teal'c approach O'Neill. O'Neill says something, Teal'c bows his head, and Jonas says something else. Again the Colonel's mouth is moving. Then he's looking back to her, and Jonas turns his head too, oblivious to what is going on. Jonas laughs, and a surprised look appears on the Colonel's face before he smiles and looks back at her.

He told him. Oh, how badly does she wish Daniel back. He didn't have a sense of timing either, but at least would know not to tell the Colonel that Sam lost her composure and yelled at Dr. Lee for giving up. The rising anger at Jonas stops her tears but leaves her yet with another revelation: she can't act professionally when it comes to him.

Sam touches the back of her hands to her eyes, wiping away the wetness of her tears, and when she looks up the next time Teal'c and Jonas help up Maybourne—he is gone. Before Sam can gather her thoughts and get that soldier face back on, the doors slide open and she senses his presence. For a moment, they stand there. He doesn't say anything, and she doesn't dare to turn around. Sure that her emotions will overwhelm her as soon as she looks in his face. But hearing his voice does the same thing.

"Hey," he says. A simple greeting, though it's the top-secret codeword to open the door to another room filled with feelings—one even Sam didn't know existed. She closes her eyes, trying to stop the next round of tears that are threatening to swamp her, but she's unable to prevent the tremor that shakes her body.

"I hope you didn't break my taxi home," he says with a smile in his voice, but her ears are attuned to hearing what he's actually saying, and that is: _are you okay?_ And no, she's not. Somehow she manages to get a grip on her tears and says, "You need to stop this."

When she turns around, he's much closer than she thought he would be. Only an arm's length away. Looking at her with his amber eyes and a slight concern when he sees the raw emotion in her face.

"What?" Gently, careful just like he's approaching a stray animal. He has no idea where her head is.

"Getting lost, disappearing." She almost chokes on the words. It's inappropriate, it's way too personal, way too revealing but she can't hold them back. If she will never be able to show how she feels, he needs to stop making it so damn hard. He needs to be there reliably, preferably at an arm's length. It's moments like this that show: she still has feelings for him and is far from having them under control, as she demonstrates right that moment when those treacherous tears sneak out again.

"Carter," he says softly, and after hesitating for a moment, he steps closer. Minutes earlier, she had hoped for this exact moment. To be pulled in his arms and him being the only thing she can feel. A fantasy so good—a reality so wrong. She ducks away before her body can cheat on her and hurry into O'Neill's embrace.

Even though she wants to feel him, she can't do this. She can't sink into his arms and then go on as if it had only been an 'oh hey, great to see you again'-hug. Her feelings for him hold her at gunpoint. Giving in to this hug is the fatal shot. So she turns around and goes for the earlier tactic again.

"I… uh… have to check the…"

"The circuit, right," he says.

She's waiting for a sound that signals he's leaving, which is a mere unrealistic wish. All she hears is the rustling of fabric, and she guesses he's digging his hands into his pockets, probably rocking back on his heels. She wishes him onto a different planet, a faraway galaxy to be sure. Everywhere but here so close that she can still smell him.

"Carter," he says with the same soft voice. Her name pulls on her like a fishing rod on a reluctant fish fighting to not give up.

"I'll try," he says to her back and then adds, "But if I fail, I know you'll bring me back."

Another tear betrays her and falls onto the panel. The tiny drop glistens as the essence of pureness even though it's born out of misconduct and flaw. Because that is what Sam's feelings for Colonel O'Neill are. At least to the US Airforce.


	20. Unchanged

**Unchanged**

_Missing Scenes for 'Metamorphosis'_

Wednesdays suck. Especially when, like on this particular Wednesday morning, Fruit Loops are out along with chocolate cake and pancakes, plus the Russians bring a from Nirrti deformed alien, on top of getting captured by said Goa'Uld and then Carter is taken as a guinea pig for DNA alterations. So consequently Jack adds today to his current list of bad middle days of the week because most recently stepping through the gate on a Wednesday has increased in death potential. As if Daniel is bored and wants company to ascend to him, ever since he left the year has stumbled from one catastrophe to the next one. From almost dying in an X-302 to almost dying in the Pacific Ocean to almost dying of an ancient flue to almost dying (well and actually dying) in Ba'al's torture chamber to almost dying stranded with Maybourne to this now. Jack hopes this will be another almost. One of those missions they get away on the brink of death but alive enough for Fraiser to patch them up or the Tok'Ra or Asgard to save their butts because the butt on the line this time is for once not his, but Carter's. Unfortunately, when Wodan and Egar come back with Carter, Jack can see that this Wednesday just got worse.

Carter falls out of Wodan's arms into Jack's and the moment he touches her he knows something is different. He can't point to what it is, but he has touched Carter enough to know she's not quite herself. After he puts her down on the cot, Jack gives his usual spiel of '_take me next,'_ but just as usual no one listens and they take Jonas instead. At least there's one positive surprise on this day when Jonas storms against Egar and for a moment it looks like they are having a chance of getting out of here. But then Wodan lets Teal'c fly through the cell, and Jonas heads for the next DNA makeover. When Jack looks at Carter, he sees in her face what he had felt when he held her: she's not okay. However, he says, more a lie to himself because he had never been able to fool her, "You made it through. You're gonna be all right."

She shakes her head and whispers, "No, sir. I don't think I am."

_Right, fuck you Wednesdays._

As Carter closes her eyes and they can't do anything but wait for the next time Egar and Wodan show up his thoughts wander back to two months ago. The one Wednesday that had been an exemption from this series of bad ones. The day he and Carter got stuck in a hut during a thunderstorm. Just like now, they were sitting next to each other—so close and yet so impossibly far away. He recalls the feeling when she told him that she wasn't sorry for convincing him to take the Tok'Ra because otherwise, he would have died. Her brutal honesty had cracked his ribcage open and laid his heart bare and if it weren't for that sudden storm he would have kissed her right there under the vigilant glance of Chip the Shibu, which, in hindsight reminded him very much of the look Fraiser throws him whenever he spends too much time next to Carter's bed when she is injured. Hours later, when they had found shelter in the tiny hut, and she had grabbed his hand a second time, he would have almost kissed her again, but just in time Chip jumped onto the sofa and curled up between them. So instead of a kiss, he gave her a soft smile that ended their conversation just like other, similar once before. The next morning found them sound asleep. It had been the first time since his escape from Ba'al's capture that he had slept through the night. An ironic reminder that she makes him do things he usually would never do. She makes him willing to get a snake into his head. She makes Kanan go back for his left-behind love. She makes him survive Ba'al's torture, and now she makes him want to curl up and cry because he knows she is going to die.

She grunts next to him, and he knows the lie she's going to tell him before he has even asked the question.

"What?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," she says, although she is barely fine. That's obvious only by the sound of her voice, and when he looks at her, he doesn't see the tough soldier but a broken woman.

"Get some rest. That's an order," Jack says because it's the only thing he can say out of all the things he wants to say.

When she leans against his shoulder, her head snuggling to find a comfortable position, he realizes that today might be the day he will finally lose her. Finally, because he has dreaded this day ever since he zatted her. Watching her die was the most bruising, profound experience after Charlie's death. He can't go through it again, just that there is nothing he can do. If Nirrti has done similar things to Carter than to Evanov, then it's not looking good. As if summoned by Jack's thoughts, a nasty cough erupts from Evanov behind them. Evanov's face is torn in pain, he coughs some more and then with a splash liquefies and melts away.

_Oho._

A little sob escapes from Carter, and she turns away, clearly avoiding eye contact. Jack knows what she is doing. That she's trying to be strong, to not show fear but he can't deal with this pretend right now.

"Carter," he says softly and puts his hand on her arm which forces her to look up.

Disbelief is shining from her eyes like two bright headlights in the dark.

"I'm not going to let this happen," he says and squeezes her arm. He needs to feel the firmness of her body. Needs to feel that she is there. Because apparently her being there is the only thing that can make him feel good. Just like that night in the hut. The first one without nightmares in weeks. Refreshed by a satisfying sleep, they had hiked back to his car in the grey of the morning light and made it back to his house around seven. Their first briefing wasn't scheduled until ten, but still, he was surprised when Carter accepted his invite for coffee at his place. It had been the most extraordinary experience normal can be. He didn't think about his feelings or that this was probably a bad thing to do. He didn't ponder about what was or could be, he just existed in the moment of that early morning with easy conversations and a good cup of coffee, and when the time came to get to work, he opened the door and let Carter get out first and there she froze mid-step, so quickly, he almost bumped into her.

"Samantha," he heard the voice from Miss Jenkins, his nosy neighbor. "What a pleasant surprise."

"Miss Jenkins," Jack said and stepped next to Carter.

"Good Morning Mister O'Neill," his elderly neighbor said with a smug smile. One that said _caught ya _with a hint of _I knew it!_

Jack couldn't feel other than amused but his spy neighbor that probably had spotted Carter's car in front of his house the evening before. Now that Miss Jenkins was standing in front of him, satisfyingly looking at him and Carter leaving his house at eight in the morning, Jack remembered seeing her in the garden when Carter had stopped by the day earlier.

"What can I do for you at this bright and early hour?" he said and didn't even bother to step out of Carter's personal space he was invading due to the abrupt stop. If Miss Jenkins wanted to play, he could play.

"You see, I was making a cake, but I happened to be an egg short, so I was hoping you could lend me one," she said, and Jack had to smile because that lady was a pro using cake on him.

"I'm sorry we ate them all for breakfast."

The lady's eyes widened, and he still can't get over the similarity to how Cassie looks when she gets what she wants.

"Anything else I can help you with? Samantha and I really have to get to work."

"No, no, Mister O'Neill. I'll just go and grab some…"

"You do that," he said and put his hand on the small of Carter's back and pushed her forward. She gasped by the contact and turned around with a shocked surprise. He winked at her and then turned back to Miss Jenkins, "Save me a slice of cake, will you?"

"Of course and for Samantha too," Miss Jenkins said as he walked Carter towards her car.

"Sir… this… she thinks we spent the night together."

"We did, Carter."

She looked at him with that common-look of hers.

"You need to fix this," she said, and there was no mercy in her voice.

"I will, tomorrow," he smirked.

Only now he remembers that between that tomorrow and today three months have past and he hasn't fixed it yet.

"Carter," he says, and her eyes flutter open. She is weak, and he needs her to fight, and right now, he has no better idea of what could get her to do that.

"Remember when we got trapped in the rain?"

"Uhu."  
"And how Miss Jenkins came under the impression that we... you know…"

Suddenly her eyes rip open, and she stares at him—all here and clear and alert.

"Well, I kinda forgot to set things straight…" he says, and his words trail off as he shrugs his shoulders.

"You promised."

"I got busy. I was lost again."

She shoots him an angry glance, but underneath he can see she's amused. And it might be the best thing he has ever seen because for a brief moment at least she doesn't look like she's dying—she has to live to set this straight and kick his butt.

"And you're telling me that now, because?"  
Because he can't tell her the things, he wants to say to her.

"I need you to hold on a bit longer, and kicking my ass seems to be a very good motivation."

"Janet can't fix me," Carter says, and he's losing her again.

"Nirrti can. Trust me, Carter. If Egar can read my mind, he will help me help you." It sounds innocent, but the truth of his words hit her. If Egar can read his mind, then he will see what Jack O'Neill feels for Samantha Carter and that she has to be saved.

So, he had been right. This was another almost mission. Egar had read Nirrti's mind, killed her, and saved Carter. Now SG-1 is sitting in his backyard, sipping beers under the star-spiked night sky. A nice ending for such a horrendous Wednesday. Jack looks at Carter, who looks like her again, then his glance falls onto Teal'c, who stares into the darkness with that face that he wears before Jaffa bolt around the corner.

"T?" Jack inquires and looks into the direction Teal'c is staring.

"There is someone," he says and gets up to full intimidating size. Just that moment, Jack can hear the rustle in the bushes, and suddenly a face appears between the green.

"Miss Jenkins," Jack says and signals Teal'c to relax.

"Mister O'Neill. Hello. I didn't mean to interrupt. But I haven't seen you in a very long time, and today I saw Samantha drive up and I wanted to say HI." The older lady waves at Sam, who instantly blushes. "I assume you are spending more time at Samantha's place?"

Behind him, Jonas bursts into a cough, snorting beer out of his mouth and nose.

"Uh, ah Miss Jenkins, I think there's a little misunderstanding." In the crossfire of Carter's stare of pure icy death and Miss Jenkins rosy glance Jack is unable to access the part of his brain that reliably supplies him with witty jokes and so he stutters a straightforward explanation.

"Oh, I see," Miss Jenkins eventually says and then, with an utterly charming smile adds, "I was wondering if you weren't a bit old for Samantha anyway." Again she waves at Carter then disappears back into the darkness while Jonas drowns on his beer for the second time today.

Of course, all eyes are on Jack when he finally turns around to meet Carter's eyes.

"Satisfied?" He says to Carter as he walks over and grabs the empty bottle from Jonas' hand. "I'm gonna get a new beer, and maybe a fresh shirt for you."

Jack stomps into his house, amending his previous thought of it being not too bad of Wednesday when he hears the doors slide open and close behind him.

"This was worth surviving," he hears her voice, and when he turns around, he finds Carter leaning against the kitchen counter. A soft smile curls her lips and her eyes sparkle with that glint of insubordinate—just the way he likes her.

"Always happy to help," he answers and tries really hard to sound like a harsh Colonel, but when he sees her reaction, he knows he has failed.

"I didn't believe I would make it out of there. I thought that was it," Carter says, and it scares the hell out of him.

"I had thought about the last things I was going to say to Jonas, Teal'c and you."

She steps closer, and he wants to touch her just like he had wanted to touch her when she stepped out of Nirrti's DNA-mess-machine. Jack remembers how she had reached for his hand, and he for hers, but their hands had never met—always separated by the reminder of touching was wrong. So it surprises him when she puts her hand on top of his—here in the safety of his kitchen.

"What did you want to say," he says almost inaudibly because he's scared of both her answer and his reaction.

"I can't really say it now, can I?" Like two giant, blue moons her eyes slowly wander up through the forest of her dark lashes and meet his, captivating him like a werewolf that turns into something else—a softer version of himself that wants to howl 'You can't die before we have what Miss Jenkins thought we're having.' But then there are already too many emotions stuffed into the room in his heart, and there's too much sexual tension in his kitchen, so he swallows it and smiles a sad, knowing smile. She smiles back, squeezes his hand, grabs two of the beers and heads for the door. Before she leaves the kitchen, she stops and says, "It's not that I _usually_ have a thing for older man…" She lets the sentences linger there and gifts him another one of those smiles that take his breath and probably a day or so from his life. One day he'll die for her and he hopes that she will have told him before what she didn't tell him tonight.

**Thanks for reading. Comments keep me writing. **


	21. Forsaken Feelings

**Forsaken Feelings**

_Missing scene from "Forsaken"_

Just like it had never been there, the Serbus disappears from P2X-005. Sam can't describe why seeing a ship lift-off has something romantic. It reminds her of the time her dad had taken her to Houston to see the rockets launch. Ever since then, she had been more fascinated by the world off her own world.

"Jonas, dial us home," Colonel O'Neill says and brings Sam's mind back to this planet.

"Sir, I know SG-1 wasn't scheduled to stay on P2X-005 for more than 48 hours, but we still have a good night to watch the dying core," Sam says and hopes it's going to be as easy to convince him as convincing him to go on this mission was in the first place. She can't shake the feeling that he had been so supportive because of their last interference with Nirtii. For once, Sam doesn't really care. She was dying to watch a sun die, and this was her chance.

"You want to stay?" O'Neill says with that common-Carter-expression of his.

"Just one more night. We're all set up." She checks her watch. "It should be dark in three hours. We can leave as soon as the sun rises."

"Carter, it's been long days."

"I don't mind," Jonas says.

"Neither do I," Teal'c adds and it's three against one. Which, in standard military constellations doesn't matter because the highest rank overrules them all. Just Colonel O'Neill is not an ordinary military leader and usually, he listens to his team member's suggestions. However, this time, he seems on the fence about this. He flinches and turns back to Carter, and she tries her brightest smile that for some reason, doesn't seem to work today.

"Sir." She knows she's going to lose him with technobabble, so she tries tickling the stargazer in him. "You won't ever see that from your roof."

Colonel O'Neill grunts and squints his eyes. Something is up with him only that she can't tell what. Before she can think about too much, he says, "Alright. Teal'c, Jonas, inform Hammond. We'll be coming back in 12 hours, and they are better still serving breakfast by then." Sam's head is already deep deep in deep space.

Hours later Jonas is snoring in his tent and Teal'c is in a deep kel'norem, so it's Sam, and Colonel O'Neill sitting in the small clearing on top of the mountain taking turns at looking through the telescope.

"It's pretty cool," Colonel O'Neill says, and she knows it's stupid, but the fact that he shares her passion makes her heart jump a bit.

"Right?" She beams at him what he probably can't even see in the darkness. "It's the luminous layer of ionized gas."

He moves next to her and she's already anticpating another gas joke when he suddenly says with melancholia in his voice, "He would have liked you."

At first, she doesn't understand. Then it's like looking through the telescope and seeing it bright and big. Charlie. He has never talked about him, so she doesn't know what to say, and now she is glad that it's dark and he can barely see her face. She doesn't need to say anything because he keeps talking as he looks up into the star-studded night sky.

"He was really into stars and space and all of this."

His voice sounds different when he talks about his son. Open, more vulnerable. Sam swallows and knows she needs to say something back if she wants him to keep going. And she wants to. She has experienced in many stages that this man feels something for her—opening up about his dead son might be the most profound commitment he has ever made.

"That's why you have the telescope on your roof?" she asks softly.

"Yeah. You two would have geeked out. If you can explain things, so I get them, he would have gotten it all." Colonel O'Neill pauses for a moment, and Sam can feel the tension in him. She tells herself there's a little stone pricking in her right butt cheek—in all honesty, she just needs an excuse to scoot a bit over so her arm brushes along his.

"He was a great kid, you know. Smart, interested, just fun to hang out."

"I'm sure he was," she answers, and after a brief pause, she adds, "His dad is pretty great."

He doesn't answer right away what makes her nervous. She doesn't want to say the wrong thing, and she might just did. Yet he surprises her again.

"Maybe. I never allowed myself to think that way, after..." He stops and swallows deeply. It seems like he wants to think about Charlie without thinking about his death.

The display of his watch lights up in the darkness and reveals his face for a brief second. There's grief in his eyes, a look Sam knows all too well when she sometimes catches her face in the mirror after thinking about her mom or Daniel. It's seconds after midnight.

"It would be his birthday today," he says quietly, and it comes as a shock. She made him stay, and probably all he wanted was to be alone or with Sara or where he usually was that day.

"I'm so sorry, Sir. I didn't know… And I made you stay for this stupid…"

"It's not stupid."

Sam feels bad for ignoring his hesitation. She had sensed that something wasn't right but had only cared about the dying sun.

"It's okay. Really. In the past years, I had this strict routine setup. Nothing was allowed to change... It's not like it brings him back," Jack says.

She knows what he is talking about. In the years after her mother's death, she had ceremonially conducted the same routine. Thrown fits with her father when he suggested doing something different. She was so absorbed with her own pain that her father's and brother's didn't count. As if remembering and honoring their mother only worked Sam's way.

"It doesn't," she says.

"If the last few years have shown me one thing, it's that it doesn't matter where you are or what you do. All that matters is where your heart is."

She feels his glance on her. It's intense and warm and loving and he's not talking about Charlie anymore. This is one of the dangerous moments between them—this time she doesn't care. She nudges him gently without moving out of his personal space, so their shoulders touch and his warmth streams through her shirt. It's a connection as innocent as they come—when you don't consider that the feelings connected with it are more than just against the rules. Tonight it doesn't matter. Tonight she has seen something special. And it's not the dying sun. It's a side of Jack O'Neill he knows to hide well. He let her in on this, and it means everything to her.

"Thanks for trusting me with this."

"If not you Carter, who else?"

**Thanks for reading. Looking forward to reading your comments.**


	22. Circle Training

**Circle training**

_Missing scene for "Full Circle"_

This program keeps taking. First Kawalski. Then Daniel. Now Ska'ra. For every syllable of the friends Jack has lost, he blows a punch into the sandbag.

Ka-wal-ski, Dan-iel, Ska-ra.

Over and over, his fists drum this rhythm of loss while his heart hammers in different beat—one of hate and defeat. Those Goa'Ulds are getting more and more evil. Stronger and stronger. He feels trapped in a video game where his enemies level up, but he doesn't, so he keeps fighting towards meeting the end boss just without the chance of ever beating him. With a powerful hit, he sends the sandbag flying, and when it swings back holds onto it before it knocks him over. His chest is heaving more from pain and anger than from exhaustion. Then suddenly there's a hand on his. When he looks up, there stands the most important thing this program has given him: Carter. She's wearing her workout clothes and a sad smile. She squeezes his hand, then let's go and holds the sandbag steady, giving him an encouraging nod. There's no need to say anything, and yet he knows why she's here. To look out for him—this time he doesn't mind. While Carter holds the bag, he goes at it. Allows himself to lose it in front of her. His knuckles hurt, but it doesn't matter. Only when a blow of air escapes Carter after he smashes the bag with all his strength, he stops and looks at her again. A wicked shadow overcasts her face, and suddenly she pushes the bag back to him, so it hits his chest and knocks the air out of his lungs—god that feels good. Her eyes hook his for a dangerous duel, and before he can process what he's reading on her face before he can understand her anger and impuissance, she jumps at him and wrestles him down in one forceful move. The moment he hits the mat with her body on top of him, her elbow pressing textbook-like into his throat, he feels his frustration leave his body. Carter's lips are hazardously close, but before the moment turns into a moment, he grabs her and swirls her around, so he's on top. But Carter wouldn't be Carter if she just let him turn her. She fights back, and suddenly they are in a real hand-to-hand combat. Jack doesn't think that this is his teammate. Not that this is Carter. Not that she is a woman. Not that he actually wants to intertwine his body with hers for more enjoyable pleasures. Instead, with every move, with every punch, every time they land on the mat, more anger is set free. She is quick and playful when she dodges his moves, strong and violent when she attacks. He's not holding back, and yet he finds himself struggling to overpower her. Over and over, she wiggles out of his hold, and their dance starts all over. If his brain would be functioning, he would proudly notice what skillful 2IC he had. Scratch that. If his brain were working, he would stop pressing her arms down and his body on top of hers. He would not nail her onto the mat and find himself squeezed between her legs only inches between his lips and hers. Their breath is pounding, their chests bump into each other, and suddenly, every part of his body is on fire.

_Fuck._

Jack rolls of Carter and falls onto the mat, starring onto the ceiling. They lie next to each other without saying a word. A million thoughts want to rush through his brain, but he's become quite good at stopping them. Especially today is not a good day to think about this mess he's gotten himself in. When he finally manages his head to be quiet, he allows himself to look over only to find Carter looking at him with a cute flush on her cheeks.

"I guess I finally took you up on that arm-wrestling challenge," Jack says, and Carter replies with a smile. She pushes herself up and offers him a hand. While she pulls him up to his feet, she casually says, "There are bets on it. I'm not going to arm wrestle you when no one is watching."

"Bets? There are bets on us?"

"Goodnight, Sir."

Carter taps the sandbag, smiles at him, and is about to leave the gym.

"In whose favor?" he yells after her.

She stops, turns around for another challenging grin, then she's gone.

**Thanks for all the comments and for going with me on this journey. As always: comments keep me writing.**


	23. Coming Home

**Coming Home**

_A random mission set after 'Homecoming'_

_Author note: __Bare with me on this one. The Ancient story is made up and might not fit into the Ancient canon of the show. But it's a metaphor and doesn't really influence the flow. We're slowly getting to the most heartbreaking part of the entire Sam and Jack story, aka Grace. I'm trying to build up to the moment that changed it all. To do so and after rewatching the show, I felt like up to Grace, they are on such a lovely path of getting much closer. There are so many small looks and moments and big ones too, and I'm building onto those to break everyone's heart in Grace—so brace ;) This story is our of Daniel's perspective. I always wondered how he observed everything after coming back._

* * *

P3X-7J9 is undeniably paradisiacal. The temple and their campsite are nestled beside a clear-running stream, surrounded by green hills rolling up towards a ridgeline of a lush forest. The night sounds alien, and the stars above them look alien too. In some ways, it feels like a first for Daniel. In so many other ways sitting on a planet a galaxy away from home feels like the most ordinary thing to do. He's going through the pictures and notes he has taken exploring the temple during the day when he notices Teal'c look alert and stare towards the stream. It takes Daniel a couple of seconds before he hears the steps and murmur and then discovers his other two teammates stroll through the darkness towards the fireplace. They left to scan the area before the night, and Daniel is supposed to take the first watch. Daniel hears Jack chuckle softly and sees Sam smile brightly. They walk close together—not close enough to touch or to raise suspicions, yet closer than Daniel would walk next to Sam or Jack. It's not the first time since his return that Daniel notices how much closer Sam and Jack seem. The change is subtle. He's pretty sure they are not even aware, but something is different.

"It's looking clear," Jack says and plops down onto the log next to Daniel. Jack takes a sip from his canteen, pulls his hat off, and ruffles through his hair. "So, what have we got here?" He looks at Daniel, and the notes spread around him.

"Well, I'm pretty sure it's not the Lost City," Daniel says.

"I figured."

Daniel looks surprised.

"Common Daniel, if it were, you'd be non-stop talking. And since you're suspiciously quiet, you probably found something interesting for you but not for me," Jack says.

"Uh, and you let us stay here anyway?" Usually, if the first scan doesn't show anything valuable for the military, Jack aborts the mission and lets another team and archeologist explore the place in more detail.

"Senator Kinsey is in SGC, and the Colonel is avoiding him," Sam answers and looks teasingly at Jack.

"Carter," Jack rebukes her with feign outrage. Sam smiles at him and continues, "We're pre-election, and Kinsey is trying to use politics to get what he wants from the Stargate program. As the base's 2IC Colonel O'Neill is supposed to be at Kinsey's disposal when Hammond is busy."

"And no one wants that, do we?" Jack says and starts unlacing his boots. "So, you've got a good night story for us?"

"Uh, actually, yes." Daniel flips through his notes. "This place seems to be some sort of library. Maybe somewhere in all those documents, we can find a hint to where the Lost City is. But so far, it's stories. Almost like humankind's greatest stories. Homer's epics. Odyssey, Iliad, and so on."

"I appreciate Homer Simpson. But yellow men are not the greatest stories earth has to offer," Teal'c says stoically and causes Sam to giggle and Jack to look pleased.

"You are spending way too much time with Jack," Daniel says. "Homer is a Greek author who wrote poems about heroes in ancient Greece."

Teal'c bows his head slightly, and Jack smirks at Daniel.

"Anyways. We have to bring a team here to study all of it. It will take time, maybe within those epics, we can find valuable military information, but so far, it gives us a look into the lives of the Ancients. Like this story here. It tells the tale of two lovers."

Jack raises his eyebrows.

"It's a rather tragic story. Amalia and Joashu fall in love. But as it goes in all great love stories, their love is forbidden." At first, Daniel doesn't notice the change in the atmosphere, so he keeps telling the tale of Amalia and Joashu. "Amalia was a scientist and Joashu a soldier. The Ancients had strict rules about who you can marry to keep evolving their race, almost like an intellectual caste system. For one of her experiments, Amalia needed support, and that's when she met Joashu. The two fall in love even though they know their duty and rules won't allow it. So they deny themselves this love and keep working side by side. They sacrifice their love, and through this help, the Ancients escape their threatened galaxy and find ours. The sad part is that they stayed back because they thought that this was their only way to finally be together and then their planet gets destroyed by their very own people because they didn't want it to fall into the enemy's hand. They sacrificed their love for a better future they never got to have." When Daniel finishes his story, the cloud of excitement that has cloaked his head evaporates, and he notices that of all stories, this was probably the wrong one to tell.

Jack stiffens next to him; his eyes fall to his hands, where they come to rest for a brief second before they fly up again and directly find Sam's. It's the tiniest moment of forever when their eyes meet, and Daniel can almost see the connection they spin. A shared moment of acknowledgment, of sadness, of helplessness, and most heartbreakingly of forbidden love. Their bond only lasts for a millisecond but even changes Daniel forever. His heart is pounding in his chest as he watches heartache crawl onto Sam's face. She plucks her cheek in and starts to gnaw on it, while Jack raises his eyebrows before he closes his eyes and blows out a silent breath.

"Yeah, uh, that's just one of the stories," Daniel stammers, wishing nothing more but to ask Oma to turn back time for only five minutes.

"Very Shakespearean," Jack says, his eyes pinned to his boots.

They fall silent again. Helplessly Daniel looks to Teal'c, who shoots him an irritatingly annoyed look. And then Sam gets up and says, "I'm turning in. Goodnight, guys."

Jack nods without looking up, Teal'c and Daniel wish their goodnights as Sam disappears into one of the tents. The sounds of the planet become overwhelmingly loud. Daniel wonders if the animals are alarmed or if he perceives them more roaring because the silence coming from Jack is so deafening. Daniel curses himself. There had been similar moments to this: when he had tried to talk about Charlie—bad idea. When he remembered the time on the ice planet and had tried to figure out if he had seen Sam and Jack share affection or Jonah and Thera—horrible idea. There were some things they didn't talk about, which seemed to be one of the secrets why SG-1 worked so well together.

He knew it. He remembered all of it. It had taken a while, but he was sure his memories were back. They had come back like a tide. First in soft ripples, then—the more time he spent with Jack, Sam, Teal'c, in the SGC and his belongings—in monster waves that washed over him and left him to gasp for air. He remembered missions and conversations, feelings, and emotions. His childhood, school, university, his time in Egypt—those memories are back too but less vivid than his time with Sha'Re and then SG-1. It had only been five years of his life, and yet it's his most precious memory. If he had experienced and changed so much in five years, what happened to his team members in the year without him, he wonders.

"Nite, T. Daniel," Jack gets up and walks towards the second tent. The one without Sam, but the one with Daniel and Teal'c stuff. That's how they usually sleep. Sam and Jack in one. Daniel and Teal'c in the other. Because Daniel always takes the first watch, then wakes Teal'c, who wakes Jack, who wakes Sam. Not tonight, it seems. Daniel wants to say something, get his backpack out before Jack goes in, but he can't get himself to open his mouth. He's never been afraid of Jack. Not when he met him all scared and feral and ready to die. Not later when he made decisions like wiping out planets. Tonight though, Daniel is. He broke the team codex and probably something fragile between Sam and Jack. When he hears the zipper of the tent close, Daniel lets out a long breath and casts a look at Teal'c, who apparently has been watching him.

"So this hasn't changed," Daniel says—more a statement than a question and gets a classic Teal'c brow as a response. He knows he shouldn't be poking for it, but he needs to know what happened while he was ascended, so he decides to make a go for it.

"What happened while I was gone?" he asks, poking a stick into the fire.

"The Goa'Uld tried to destroy earth twice, but we prevented those measures. O'Neill became a Tok'Ra and got captured by Ba'al, the alliance was in great danger," Teal'c starts to list the events of the past year in chronological order.

"Yeah, I read the reports. I mean, the things that are not written in the reports?"

Teal'c stares blankly at him, and Daniel realizes that being able to read the jaffa's face again will take him longer than he had anticipated.

"Gossip in the SGC? Some things on missions that you 'left' out of the report. Stuff like this. Give me the juice," Daniel says.

"I do not leave things out of reports, DanielJackson. And we did not bring juice," Teal'c answers.

"Teal'c!" Daniel says, reproachfully.

Teal'c shoots him a glance that tells him not to go there. But he needs to know. Yes, it's private. Yes, they can't talk about it. But it has always influenced their team dynamics. Mainly because Daniel and Teal'c knew how to handle it. Sam and Jack might think no one has noticed how they feel for each other, but they are a quiet illusional when it comes to that.

To his surprise, Teal'c answers, "I believe MajorCarter was not pleased with how O'Neill and I handled your disappearance."

"Oh. Really?"  
"O'Neill would not talk to her about it. She felt he was giving her 'good soldier crap.'"

Now it's Daniel's eyebrows that jump upwards. If he remembers right, Sam never questioned Jack's behavior. At least not verbally.

"They fought?"

"I don't believe it is our right to discuss the relationship between MajorCarter and O'Neill."

"Relationship, huh?" Daniel thinks of performing the 'I was ascended, I can't remember' number, but Teal'c sees right through it.

"You are well aware that military regulations don't allow for a relationship between MajorCarter and O'Neill."

"Yeah, we just witnessed that, didn't we?"

"Indeed."

"And yet, they seem closer."

"There were many times when we thought we had lost O'Neill too."

Daniel read the reports about how Jack agreed on taking the Tok'Ra after Sam talked to him. Daniel's pretty sure that Jack had done it because of Sam. Daniel devoured Jonas' diary with a detailed description of how Sam handled the disappearance of Jack when he was captured by Ba'al—not well. And then he got a first-hand report from Dr. Lee on how Major Carter had yelled at him for giving up on bringing Jack back when he vanished with Mayborne. Reading Jack's mission report on the events at Niirti's lab had been enough to understand how Jack must have felt being minutes away from losing Sam. Daniel had watched them in so many situations—how they cared for each other, how they worried about each other, how they always had each other's side—so he knows. It's far from being over. They fight a battle to control the feelings that rage like wildfires, and all they have is teacup to extinguish them while someone constantly drops a burning cigarette butt and ignites a new fire somewhere.

„I wish there was something we could do," Daniel sighs.

"We need to find the Lost City and destroy the Goa'Uld," Teal'c answers, and yeah, he's right. Maybe if this war is over, this great forbidden love story will have its happy end.

**Love to read what you think. **


	24. Brace Pt1

**Brace Part 1**

_Missing scenes from Grace. First part for this episode from Jack's perspective. Sam's point of view to follow._

As so many times before the blue puddle forms and as so many times before, it symbolizes hope. Hope for a missing team member to come back home—fairly unhurt if that's not asked too much. When the first report from the Prometheus came in, Jack was ready to gear up to get Carter at any damn planet they needed to go. Hammond had held him back—with a suspicious side-eye and the tone of a boss that sensed a problem. Now, the shape of a nurse separates from the event horizon, then a gurney and finally her face. She is pale, a big gash on her forehead, unconscious. It only takes seconds for Janet to be by Carter's side, to check her vitals and push her off the ramp out of the gateroom. All before Jack can get a proper look at her. His instinct is to follow them and be there with her, but before he can move, Hammond steps in front of him and says, "Colonel, a word in my office?"

"Yes, Sir," Jack answers and follows Hammond. He nods to Teal'c and Daniel, who still stand in the gateroom as if not knowing what to do with themselves. There's curiosity in Daniel's eyes and some weird eyebrow raise coming from Teal'c. He looks as if he knows what Hammond wants from Jack, but Jack doesn't have time to notice because an uneasy feeling is stretching und crunching his stomach.

"Close the door, Jack," Hammond commands as he sits down and rubs his face. Jack has seen Hammond in many situations—from Armageddons to losing men and women to making impossible decisions. In each case, General Hammond had impressed Jack with courage, grace, and indestructible sereneness. Today the sereneness is gone. Hammond looks tired and exhausted even though the Prometheus has returned, and Carter is back. For maybe one rotation of earth around its axis, there is nothing to worry about besides the ever-looming danger of the Goa'Ulds. And yet the look on Hammond's face tells the story of a new threat.

"As you are aware, we're weeks from Hayes's inauguration," Hammond says finally.

"I didn't vote for him," Jack laments, but Hammond dutifully ignores him. "Once he's in office, he will be informed about the Stargate Program, and as it goes for any other department, he will decide who will be responsible for the SGC."

Jack doesn't like where this is going. Over the years, they not only had to save the world, fight snakes and techno bugs—they also had to fight the people they tried to keep alive.

"Senator Kinsey will be briefing the President and is planning on using this in his favor," General Hammond continues.

Jack's eyebrows fly up and a groan escapes him. Kinsey is worse than Anubis, Ba'al and Apophis together. Throw Nirti in the mix, and the Goa'Uld might win this evil contest by a hair.

"The SGC has always been under special observation, but with this coming up, Kinsey is trying to dig up dirt."

"Any new accusations or the same old stuff?" Jack asks, bored by this boomerang of a man and his fixed ideas.

"Jeopardizing the planet, favoritism, insubordination," Hammond lists the usual, and Jack can't stop himself from throwing a little joke that won't quite land. He says, "I don't know who would be acting insubordinate around here."

"Fraternization," Hammond shoots out deadpan, and it hits Jack right in the guts. Jack O'Neill is a man that is not easily surprised, but Hammond's last words catch him off guard.

"Excuse me?"

"There has been a lot of interest in reports regarding incidents with you and Major Carter involved. There's a quite colorful report from Dr. Lee accusing Major Carter of losing control when you went missing."

Jack's thoughts jump back to the way he had found her in the Tel'Tak. Teared up and in despair, and then he remembers his most recent conversation with Teal'c in the locker room after he might have lost his cool a bit.

"And now I just finished reading a report from SG-3 describing your behavior in search of Major Carter as 'aggressive and exasperated.'" Hammond is doing air quotes, which seem like an insult not only from Kinsey but also from his very own boss. Jack's immediate instinct is to deny all allegations, but then he remembers how he had barked at Hammond and well: insubordinate—check. Showing too much concern for Carter—check. Jack swallows his anger, but it gets stuck in his throat where it will hang for the next couple of hours.

"Sir. There is nothing between Major Carter and me," Jack says—it doesn't sound convincing even to himself.

"There have always been rumors about the two of you. I never gave much about them, because you never gave me a real reason for concern. But then she went missing, and you lost control in a busy gate room."

"She's a valuable…"

"Cut the crap, Jack. We both know that's only half the truth."

Jack is not sure what's more surprising, Hammond's outburst, or the fact that he knows that something is up.

"General, we're team members. I admit we're closer than other teams but on a purely professional level. We never broke any rules."

A sigh fills the room, and Hammond shakes his head. "Jack, I'm sorry we have to do this. You and your team saved the world more than once, and yet rules and regulations still apply to you. I know your team means a hell lot to you, and they have proven over and over again that they are willing to break all the rules to save you. Which is okay to some extent for Dr. Jackson and Teal'c, but Major Carter being Air Force and a woman makes things messy. While I believe you, others might not. Despite the truth, allegations alone can end both of your careers."

Jack gasps for air to say something but Hammond cuts him off, "I know you care about your career more than you are willing to admit. The funny thing is you might even recover from allegations, while Major Carter, who is probably more brilliant than the both of us and has a bright career in front of her, would not come back from this. After all, the Air Force is still this chauvinist club." Hammond pauses for a moment and watches how the information is sinking into Jack, then he continues, "But all personal consequences aside, we're battling someone who wants us all gone from this program. We haven't been fighting this war and sacrificing our lives just to be replaced because of an inappropriate relationship between a Colonel and his Major."

The words still ring in Jack's ears when he sits at Carter's bed. He waited until Hammond left the base to risk going to her finally. All he wanted was a quick glance of her face—the reassurance that she was back and safe. But then somehow he closed the door behind him, pulled out a chair and now he's been sitting here watching her sleep for the past hour.

A movement pulls Jack out of his thoughts. Carter blinks and finally opens her blue eyes he has come to associate with all the world's goodness.

"Hey," he says, and his plan is clear: he's going to be as normal as he can be. Quick small talk—just like usual—then out. The prove that Hammond and all those other eggheads horribly wrong. Only as always, when it comes to a plan, it's doomed from the very beginning and completely loses track when she says, "Jack?"

_Jack? _

His name on her lips does things to his insides nothing else has done before. And then he knows: Hammond is right, Kinsey is right, all the gossipers are right. This is a problem.

"Excuse me?" he manages to say and gets up to leave the room as soon as possible.

"Sorry, Sir," Carter says, and he tells himself it's headache pain that shows on her face and not disappointment from his rebuke.

"Yes, well, a massive concussion will tend to disorient one," he says and steps at the foot of her bed. She looks exhausted and drained and lost, and she looks at him as if he's the answer to all the questions that are rambling through her head. It's a look he can't deal with right now. One the man in him had wished to see, but the Colonel trying to fix things can't deal with. Somehow he manages to have an almost decent conversation without breaking apart. He is proud of the cake banter, made it all sound normal, and about letting her know that he's there for her—and he is. He will always be. Just even less obvious than before.

He's in the car driving and almost halfway to his cabin when he pulls over at a small motel. The sun is just coming up and bruises the sky in a purply-blue. Tiredness crawls up in his body, and he drops onto the small bed in the stuffy motel room with all his emotional heaviness. Love can go away, he thinks. It needs time. It needs consequence. It needs ignorance. And it definitely needs to stay locked in that room. Lately, they have been playing with the key ever too often. The lake she'll never going to see will be the place he's going to drown them in.

**Reviews keep me writing.**


	25. Brace Pt2

**Brace Pt 2**

_Episode tag for "Grace"._

The illuminated window broadcasts the warm image of perfect happiness: A blue-eyed boy and a blonde girl laugh about their dad's goofy act then throw themselves into the arms of their beautiful mom. You can hear them squeak when their father picks them up and throws one over each shoulder and carries them to bed. Another day of love and laughter makes its way for the next one that's already waiting, filled with new ideas, to take over.

It's a tiny snippet of a much longer movie called family life. An entirely different genre from the one Sam's film is set in. The thought of missing out on that scene flickers through Sam's mind.

It is what you want, right? As a woman, you want a family; that's what you do.

Just that Sam isn't sure about it anymore, isn't sure if a family is what she dreams of when she allows herself to drift into future fantasies. It used to be. But now thinking about it, it seems to her that she has always dreamt the dream of someone else. Even if this idea would glimmer more intensely somewhere inside of her, how could she bring children into the world knowing what she knows? It's her job to protect the earth from Replicators, stop Goa'Uld from destroying the planet or worse: from enslaving it once again. And this job is hard. Takes everything from her, and yet, she realizes, if she had a husband, a house, kids she would not be able to do this job, which is the most important thing to her. It gives her what she really wants: A team she would die for. A calling. A purpose in life. There is no space for a family. No space to worry about someone else but the destiny of the entire planet. Especially because the only space left to worry is occupied by probably the last person she should be worrying about—Colonel Jack O'Neill.

"Wine?" Karen hands Sam a glass with a deep red liquid and takes a seat next to her. The last time some sneaked up on Sam like this, she found herself captured in a Goa'Uld prison. Now it's her sister in law cornering Sam with questions she can read of her face. It's oddly calming to feel Karen's shoulder brush against hers. They've known each other for twenty years. Best friends in high school and then, while Sam was away become the person she is today, her brother had fallen for Karen just like Sam had fallen for her before. Her emotional intelligence, her care for others, her ability to make you feel better—what made good best friends made good wives too.

"So, what are you really running away from?" If Karen weren't so right about her assumptions, Sam would smile about how she stills knows her. No matter how far their lives are apart. She might be the only person besides Daniel, Teal'c, and Jack, who knows her.

Sam takes a sip of wine and then a second one because she feels Karen's eyes on her and doesn't really want to answer.

"What's his name?"

For crying out loud, she can't hide anything from that woman.

Sam is trying hard to dig out a lie that's going to satisfy Karen, but the longer she thinks, the clearer another thought formulates: she can trust her. Karen might be the only person she can tell it all. No judgment like there would be from Janet. No friendship with Jack like Daniel has. And well, quite honestly, there's no one else. So instead of going down the rabbit hole of denying everything once again, Sam decides to let Karen in. To tell her what is making life so miserable from time to time. Maybe it will help Sam figure out what to do—after all, it is the reason why she escaped from the SGC and came here in the first place. On the heels of this thought, Sam remembers the SGC hallway rumors about how Colonel O'Neill had snapped when they couldn't find her. The account of a hell-of-a-terrifying Colonel who had barked at everyone and everything within proximity while she was missing. Maybe, Sam thinks, this is the reason why he had fled the mountain and Colorado Springs in the middle of the night. If she's right, jumped from the infirmary right into his truck to escape to his cabin. The idea of Jack being overwhelmed by his feelings for her makes her feel good, briefly, because it's not making things easier.

The facts are simple. They can't be together when they are in the military. And they can't leave the military because there are higher stakes than an unlived, untouched love. With all this swirling through her mind, she sighs when Karen prods her with an eyebrow raise.

She sighs, "Jack O'Neill." His name feels strange on her tongue. Never has she used it to talk about him in other ways than her commanding officer, let alone to talk about what there is between them. Karen smiles satisfied as if saying his name laid the foundation to a promising building they can pull up together to give this love a home, but then Sam drops the bomb when she says, "Colonel Jack O'Neill."

"Oh," Karen chews out. Sam loves Karen for not making her elaborate on why being a Colonel is bad, but since she decided it's all coming out tonight, Sam says, "He's my boss."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

For a moment, they sit there in silence, and watch Mark through the window, read a goodnight story to the kids. Goosebumps have crawled up Sam's neck, and a sickening feeling is grabbing her stomach. She has never admitted her feelings for him other than that Zar'Tarc incident years ago. Doing so again is resignation. For the first time, something is stronger than her. For the first time, there is something that she can't beat.

In the face of this surrender, she starts telling Karen about their love. It spouts out of her in an uncontrollable stream of confessions, feelings, and wishes—some of them even Sam hears for the first time. She tells her friend how Colonel O'Neill was the first commander she ever truly trusted. About the boyish charm and odd sense of humor, the man Jack O'Neill has. About how he gives everything for others and how she knows he would die for her. About time he told her how he feels for her and that she told him too. That it's not just a physical thing, but hell yes, he's hot, and yes, she fantasizes about him. She tells Karen that the fear of losing him is greater than the desire to be with him because he's more than just a guy she fell in love with. She tells her a security clearance version of how they had this one night when their memories had been wiped, and all Jonah and Terrah could feel for each other was love. When Sam is done telling Karen all the reasons why they can't be together, she feels heavier and lighter at the same time. Putting it in words, laying it all out for another person, helps her not to feel crazy anymore. This is real love—she realizes. Unfortunately, one that can't be.

"Wow," Karen says after a while and blows out a puff of air. "He sounds great." She grins mischievously. "You're sure you can't just break the regs for him?"

As tempting as that sounds: "No."

Mark would roll his eyes at her. Telling her she's too much like dad, who only ever cared about work, the military, protecting the homeland and all long forgetting his life, his family, ultimately being responsible for their mom's death. But not Karen. She doesn't understand Sam's reasons, but she accepts them without judgment.

"Well, then there's only one thing left," Karen says with an irritating upbeatness. "You need to get distracted, and I know just the guy."

Sam is baffled by this logic. It's simple physics: built-up energy needs to be relieved, so why hasn't she thought about it herself? If she can't give Jack O'Neill the love she has for him, it needs to go somewhere else, and it might as well be the guy Karen has in mind.

**I'd love to read what you think. Thanks for your reviews and comments.**


	26. Make belief

**Make belief**

_Set after somewhere between 'Chimera' and 'Death Knell'. _

The inquisition isn't over. His fingers move towards her stomach and circle around the tiny scar that sits right above her hip bone. Sam has never paid much attention to the marks on her body. They are part of her, tell her story—a story she never really thought about sharing with anyone.

"How did this happen?" Pete asks and leaves a kiss on this spot. It's meant to be loving, but Sam flinches when his lips touch her skin. This scar holds the memory of another man, and Pete's lips on it feel like stealing a moment from her.

"Someone stabbed me," she says and rolls onto her stomach.

"Someone stabbed you?" Pete laughs, unbelieving. "On a different planet?"

"Actually on base," she tries to keep her sentences short, in the hope he's just gonna stop asking questions.

"What? Why? Who?"

"Just an airman. An alien virus infected the base."

"Cool."

"Not really. I got stabbed."

"What virus?"

Sam sighs. "It turned some of us into neanderthals."

"No way. Did you go all cave lady too?" There's a glint in his eyes, which is meant to teasing but is just annoying.

"Kind of. I attacked someone."

"Who?"

The memories flutter through her brain in a flashback and rush over her body with a hotness she hasn't allowed in a long time. Her lips on his, her body pressed to his, the sharp breath he pulled when she pushed her knee in his groin. She remembers so vividly it causes her stomach to cramp—even though it's years in the past and she had been under alien influence. With her head in a cloud of thoughts, her usually sharp brain doesn't react when Pete asks, "Who."

So she mumbles, "Colonel O'Neill."

Pete's full laughter pulls her out of her submission.

"You attacked your boss?"

Sam rolls over, sits up, and pulls a shirt over her head.

"Kind of."

"That must have hurt his male ego."

Pete's naivety makes her smile. The Colonel has no 'male ego,' and even if he had, that incident probably only boosted it.

„My Sam. Fighting the alpha male," he continues, clearly amused by the idea of Sam undermining that Colonel of hers. The tone in his voice rubs her the wrong way. There's something in her that wants him to know that she didn't fight the alpha male but tried to seduce him. Instead, she gets up and starts dressing.

„Come back," Pete says and tugs on her sleeve oblivious to her mood.

„I gotta go."

„It's 11:30 at night."

„I have an early day tomorrow and need to finish something before."

„Sam," he looks as disappointed as he sounds. But right now, the big goofy eyes are just annoying.

„I'm sorry. I'll call you when I come back from my mission," she answers and forces herself to lean in and kiss him goodbye.

* * *

„Carter," Colonel O'Neill says and checks his watch. When he looks back up, his eyebrows are raised in disapproval. "At this time, you should be leaving, not coming to base."

She's too tired to come up with a lie that's going to convince him, so she decides for honesty instead. "I'm gonna stay in for the night."

Usually, he would ask questions, send her home, tell her to get a life, but he doesn't, and weirdly enough, it bugs her.

"What are you still here, Sir?"

"Oh well, reports catch up with you eventually. In my case, that date fell on this wonderful night."

"Fun."

"Yep. Well, I better get started," Colonel O'Neill says and is about to move past her when she says, "How about a coffee before. I'm pretty sure I spotted cake too."

She smiles at him brightly, the smile that makes him smile too. But not tonight—for a matter of fact, she now notices it hasn't worked in a while. Pretty much since he found out about Pete. Something inside her contracts at this thought. He musters her face before he turns his eyes away and says, "I'm good on cake for today. Nite, Carter."

And gone, he is.

Sam's face flashes hot and cold. Her mind won't work. Something is trying to get at her, from a long way away. And then she sees it: he's trying to move on. Trying to get back to the safe, professional space they quite honestly never had been in, to begin with. Her face still hot, she turns around and hits the up button for the elevator. She's going back. Back to that small motel room with the guy who's heart is wide open. She's going to kiss him and snuggle into his arms and ask him to come back next weekend, and no, it has absolutely _nothing _to do with how the Colonel just reacted, no, _no_, she is so over that.

**Reviews keep me writing.**


	27. Quietus

**Quietus**

_Episode tag to "Death Knell"_

Through the window, Cassie watches Sam hobble towards the house on crutches. From what her mom has told her, Sam had barely made it out of this mission alive, and she looks like it. Cassie has seen Sam after some of her worst moments: overtaken by Jolinar, overwritten by an alien entity, kidnapped and almost killed by Adrian Conrad. From what she knows, every time it looked like they had lost her, Jack somehow saved her life. Just like this time. And not only had he brought her back, once again, he had risked his own life to save hers. As these thoughts stampede through Cassie's head, her eyes fall onto the guy next to Sam—Pete. She's meet him once before. For a pizza and a movie and was only glad that you don't have conversations in a movie theater.

"She brought Pete," Cassie says when Janet passes her with a tray full of snacks and drinks.

"It's her boyfriend."

"Yeaaah," Cassie drags the word into an unconvinced length. She's about to jump up to open the door when she spots Jack getting out of his car. He hesitates for a moment when he discovers Sam and the cop on their way to the house. Pete is dry-nursing Sam, looking at her with concerned puppy eyes, walking by her side with both hands ready to catch her should she stumble. Cassie smirks when she notices Sam's annoyed expression. She can't hear what Sam is saying, but it looks very much like a harsh 'I'm fine, Pete.'

_Yeah, gotta learn that Pete,_ Cassie thinks and has to smile when Jack smirks too and heads towards Sam. Cassie doesn't want to miss this part of the conversation, so she gets up and runs to the door.

"...these seem pretty handy for kicking some Goa'Uld butt." Cassie hears Jack say when she opens the door. Sam is smiling at him and Pete, well Pete looks like anyone who has no idea what is going on between Sam and Jack.

"Hey birthday girl," Jack says and pulls Cassie into his arms.

"Hey Jack," Cassie mumbles into his broad chest then pushes away from him to wrap Sam in a hug.

"I'm so glad you are okay."

Cassie's impetus hug sends Sam to falter, but Pete is right there, grabbing her arm.

"Be careful," he says, but Sam disregards him and pulls Cassie back into an embrace.

"Happy Birthday, Cas."

Sam is still in Cassie's arms when Cassie turns to Jack and says, "Thanks for saving her. I knew you would bring her back."

Sam stiffens in Cassie's arms, and her head turns to lock eyes with Jack. He is unusually quiet and just smiles a soft smile that is not at all direct to Cassie but to Sam. Emotions cross his face for a brief second before he disguised them with one of his bad jokes.

* * *

Cassie feels rebellious today. She can't help but be annoyed by the presence of Pete. She and Teal'c might be from a different planet, but Pete is the real alien here. He makes goofy jokes, not even Sam laughs about—and she does laugh about Jack's dad jokes.

"Enjoying your birthday?" Pete is suddenly next to her, smiling as if he's staring in a toothpaste commercial. She can hardly stop herself from rolling her eyes.

"Yes, it's nice to have SG-1 around."

"So you're an alien, huh?" Pete asks, ignoring her dig.

"Uh, yeah, I guess."

"That's pretty cool."

Cassie lifts her eyebrows and takes an annoyed breath. This becoming-friends-thing is just not going to work. She looks out of the window, thinking about excusing herself with the argument that Jack needs help with the grilling when she spots Sam heading out to the backyard.

"Do you love her?" Cassie doesn't know where this is coming from, but seeing Sam and Jack out there and knowing that Pete is here, makes her angry.

"Sam? We, uh, we've only been dating for a couple of weeks, but…" And then his smile grows even brighter, and he says with a proud voice, "Yes, wow, yes I do." He looks at Cassie as if she's now his best friend and ally, but he's betting on the wrong horse here.

Standing with his back to the window, Pete can't see how Jack and Sam exchange a quick smile, and then she allows him to give her hand down the steps. This is real trust, Cassie thinks and then says, "Would risk your life for her? That kinda love?"

Sam says something, and Jack turns back to look at the house, then back to Sam and hands her his beer. She smiles thankfully and grabs a quick sip. Right, she's still on all sorts of drugs, and her mom probably likes Pete because he makes sure Sam follows all medical orders.

"Uh… yeah…" Pete says while Cassie soaks up the interaction happening behind his back. Jack steps in front of her, shielding her from the view, and Cassie is pretty sure Sam is taking another swig from his beer before she hands it back to him, and he moves back to the bbq as if nothing has happened.

"I mean, not just saying it. Would you not leave her side when she is trapped in a house that is going to explode, and you can get out, but she can't, and there's no way you can save her?"

Cassie's inquiries are making Pete nervous. He sways from one foot to the other, and Cassie almost feels sorry when she notices the flush that is creeping up his neck.

"Uh…" Pete stammers, but before he can form a sentence, Cassie raises the ante. "Or spending months doing nothing else but finding a way of bringing her back when she gets lost?"

"I guess…"

"Or risk your career for her sake?"

"You are pretty protective of Sam."

Cassie just smiles. Not so much about Pete's answer, but about the look Jack gives Sam, one that makes her flush, and she's several feet away from Cassie, and Cassie can still see it.

"Would you rather die than be without her?" Cassie says, firing the lethal bullet she has saved for the end. Cassie knows nothing about what happened during the Zar'Tarc testing. She doesn't know that Jack had uttered almost this sentence in front of Sam, Teal'c, and her mom. She doesn't know that _'I rather die than lose Carter,'_ still holds the same truth for Jack as all those years ago. And yet she knows. Thanks to the unclouded view of the world, only kids can have.

Pete clears his throat, blinks nervously, and searches for an answer when Janet comes to his rescue. "Cassie, can you give me a hand here?"

Cassie throws Pete an innocent smile and follows her mom into the kitchen, where Janet starts sticking candles into a big birthday cake.

"Isn't that supposed to be a surprise?" Cassie asks and launches herself up to sit on the counter, her feet dangling.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I overheard your conversation."

"I'm just getting to know Pete," Cassie says casually.

"Oh, so you're not trying to scare him away?" Janet throws her a knowing look.

"He's not right for Sam."

"That's not your decision to make."

"Oh, common mom. She doesn't love him. Not like she …"

"Cassie!"

"I'm not blind. And neither are you. The way she tries to not look at him. The way he tries to not look at her? They are always risking their lives for each other. You said yourself that she wouldn't have made it back if it weren't for Jack and Teal'c."

"They are her team."

"Yada Yada."

"You're spending too much time with Colonel O'Neill, young lady."

"That's why I know that he loves her."

"Cassie, you've gotta stop talking like this. It can get them into serious trouble. If the wrong person hears you and thinks they are breaking the rules—which they are not..."

"Those rules are stupid."

"They are there for a reason."

"Rules need to adapt to changing times. I bet there were no rules that allowed adopting an alien girl before me. And then what you thought you knew changed, and now you're my mom."

"That's different."

"So you admit that if it weren't for the rules, they would be together."

"Cassie!"

The doors swing open, and Sam pokes her head in. "The meat is well burnt, and the Colonel is getting annoying about cake."

"We're coming," Janet answers and ushers Sam and Cassie out of the kitchen. Before Cassie leaves the room, she turns around and throws Janet a look that says something like _'See!'_

* * *

Charred meats have been eaten, and everyone is on their second piece of cake, and they lounge in the living room. When Sam actually allows Pete to feed her a spoon of his cake, Cassie decides it's time to continue her mission.

"Have Sam told you the best stories about the SGC yet? My favorite story is still the one when everyone was infected by that alien virus that made you turn neanderthal."

Everyone, even Pete, chuckles about that memory. Not knowing what attack Cassie is launching next. She says, "I always try to imagine how Jack reacted when Sam tried to seduce him." Cassie laughs, and her comment has, at least when it comes to Pete, the intended effect. He's suddenly paler than before, and his eyes jump to Sam, who flushes slightly.

"Oh, those old stories, they happened way before your time. How do you even know that?" Jack says and looks at Janet, who lifts her hand and shakes her hand.

"Sam told me," Cassie says, and this time Jack reacts just the way she hoped for. He looks at Sam and raises his eyebrows to that look he only has for her. Daniel, oblivious to the underlying dynamics—sometimes Cassie wonders why Janet calls him the 'people guy'—says, "I didn't like that one. To me, the parallel universes are the most interesting. The concept of other us..."

"Parallel Universes?" Pete says, a bit overly excited for switching the topic.

"Yeah, we've encountered two. One time I got sent to one that was about to be destroyed by the Goa'Ulds, and the second time an alternate Sam came into our universe."

"Two of you?" Pete says with a flirty tone.

"Weren't Sam and Jack married in both of those universes?" Cassandra says nonchalantly, watching from the corner of her eyes how that new information hits the cop.

"We seriously have to discuss your clearance. You know way too much for your own sake," Jack says

"Daniel told me."

"But it was never meant to leave your mouth." Daniel rolls his eyes and pokes Cassie in the side. With excitement, she watches the irritated glances Pete is letting wander between Sam and Jack, who pretend nothing unusual has happened.

A phone starts to beep, and Jack gets up and answers with his usual snappy greeting. He's headed for the door but turns around, and with an eyebrow wiggle signals Sam that's she needs to hear that.

"You can use my bedroom," Janet says and nods to the back of the house, where Sam and Jack disappear to.

Cassie has a hard time containing her excitement over the pure ironic coincidences the universe has provided. Pete just learned that Sam had tried to seduce Jack, then that they've been married in several universes, and now they are headed to Janet's bedroom.

When they come back minutes later, Sam unceremonious accepts Jack's hand to get down the two steps that separate the hallway from the living room. It's a gesture so small and yet has a significant impact on Pete. Something in him switches, and the easiness that always surrounds him becomes heavy. And then Cassies sees it: he knows. He can feel that Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter are more to each other than teammates, and the only thing keeping them apart is the Air Force.

Sam says something to Pete. Something about an emergency at base where she and the Colonel are required. He smiles, and the sadness disappears. He also knows that her job is the most important thing for her, and if she chooses to come home afterward to him, just the way she is promising right now, then he is okay with whatever is locked away for this other man.

**Big thanks to dpdp, marcyfoot and ConnieN for all the support and comments. Love to read what you all think—that keeps me writing. **


	28. Achilles

**Achilles**

_Missing scene for 'Heroes'_

_Every Achilles has a tendon and Jack's is called Major Samantha Carter._

"Sir, I just wanted to say…when you were lying there, I… I'm really glad you're okay," Carter says, trying to suppress the tears and emotions that are overpowering her. She fails. A weep escapes her lips, and she lowers her head to protect her—or him—from the magnitude of her feelings. It hurts to see her like this, and yet there's a strange tingle in Jack's chest caused by her desperation over the idea of losing him. Why now, of all inopportune moments, is he gripped by such a titanic undertow of loving her?

"Come here," Jack says, steps closer and opens his arms to pull her in. She follows his movement and lands in his arms, perfectly snug. His head dives right for the soft curve of her neck, and he can't stop himself from pressing his lips against her skin. Holding her in his arms makes him feel alive, so he pulls her closer even though it hurts his wound. A tear falls onto his skin and causes ripples of goosebumps to spread over his body in concentric circles. Tension builds in her body, then a sob escapes her lips.

"It's okay," he whispers into her skin, causing her to shiver under the vibrations of his voice. Incited by her reaction, his body starts taking over control. He is just heart and nerves and no brain at all when he tilts his head to let his lips glide up her slender neck until they find the soothing throb of hers. She is pulsating life into him, and he parts his lips to soak up more of it. And suddenly it's not lips on skin anymore but rather a real kiss which he follows up with a second one, this time closer to her ear. Carter lifts her head slowly, and for a terrible moment, he thinks she's pulling away, but she does no such thing. Without losing contact, she moves her head slightly to the side, so his lips brush along her jawbone, and then they meet her lips. The first contact is a mere flick, and as if shocked by the power that has been building up for years, they separate an inch. But it's not a painful shock. It's a spark. An inhale later, they press their lips together in feverish passion. It's everything he had ever imagined and even more than he remembers from the time loop. Carter's hands wander into his hair while his arms wrap around her and press her body flush against his. She is up and down and lips and tongue and hands and butt. He is only seconds away from pushing her up against the wall when suddenly the door opens, and Teal'c steps in. Sam and Jack propel away from each other—their lips hot and swollen and longing for each other. But with Teal'c, the realization of what just happened enters.

"Heyyy. Teal'c... Buddy. Come on in. Join us," Jack stutters while he straightens his shirt. _Join us, Jack, really?_

Carter's cheeks have a lovely blush, and she looks hazy yet in complete shock. Teal'c stands in the door like a rock in a surge of emotions that flood out of the room.

"I do not wish to interrupt," Teal'c says calmly. His eyebrows have reached unprecedented heights and give away his true feelings.

"You don't, never," Jack splutters. He just can't shut up.

"I believe this is an important moment for you and MajorCarter. I do not think I should be part of this," Teal'c says and looks at both of them.

Carter has retreated to the far corner of the room, tugging nervously on her BDUs and avoiding Jack's eyes altogether. Her lips are still intensely red, and unknowingly to what this does to Jack, she sucks in her lower lip.

"I … uh… I gotta go," Carter suddenly stutters, slips behind Teal'c, and through the door.

Teal'c, who's still standing in the doorway, moves into the room and closes the door behind him.

Jack lets out a sigh. He's not sure if he is angry at Teal'c for interrupting or thankful for stopping them before they went too far. Judging based on his heartbeat and the flutter in his stomach, he didn't have the situation under control—so the latter.

"I wish to apologize, O'Neill," Teal'c says.

"It's okay," Jack answers and sits back onto the bed. "Better, actually."

He didn't think it was possible, but Teal'c eyebrow wanders even higher.

"I know you and MajorCarter share the deepest affection for each other. On several occasions, I witnessed that you would do anything to protect and save each other's lives. I believe you deserve more," Teal'c says in the one and only Teal'c manner.

"T... We still got some Goa'Uld ass to kick. They killed Fraiser."

"Indeed. Yet I don't see how your relationship with MajorCarter changes anything in this undertaking."

"It's against the rules," Jack cries out, all the bottled up frustration exploding out him like a shaken soda. After the bubbles burst, Jack takes a deep breath and says, "You have a family. You left them to join us."

"I do not hide my truest feelings."

"Well, you are pretty convincing at it."

"One day, I'll join Ishta."

"See, one day."

"What if one day is too late for you and MajorCarter?"

Before Jack can answer, there's a knock on the door.

"See Teal'c, that's how you enter a room," Jack says to Teal'c, then louder, "Come on in."

The door opens a third time, and General Hammond steps in.

_Oh boy, this could have ended so much worse._

* * *

It's much later than Jack had planned when he is finally leaving the mountain. Up until now, he hasn't seen Carter since their kiss. They should talk. Or at least have one of their three sentences conversations about it. The thought of going back to work and pretending nothing has happened is unbearable. He needs at least some form of agreement. Some sign that they are going to be okay. Because he is not illusional, their kiss meant everything, yet it's not going to change anything. The past mission has shown that their war against the Goa'Uld is far from over. They can't give up now. He's sure she sees it the same way.

Before he turns the corner to the elevator, he can already smell her. That sweet scent of hers which just hours ago he inhaled deeply from the crook of her neck. Jack sniffs on his shirt, maybe it smells like her, but when he walks around the corner, Carter is waiting for a ride up.

At the sight of Carter, nervousness spreads through his body. But he's got way too much experience with this that he's going to show it.

"Going home?" Jack says as he steps next to her.

By the sound of his voice, she gasps for air, and when she turns around, her cheeks show what's going on in her head.

"Major Carter, there's a call for you," an airman says and hands her the phone.

"Carter," she says swiftly, then her features soften.

"I'm on my way."

_Right, she also has a boyfriend. _

"We can order pizza if you like?"

The nervousness in him is at a boil. They just kissed, and now he's damned to listen to Carter talk to her boyfriend making dinner plans. Where is that elevator when you need it?

"You can ask him yourself, he's right next to me," she says and hands him the phone.

_What the fuck? _

As if she can read his thoughts, she smiles softly and says, "It's Cassie."

Whatever was gripping tightly around his heart, let's go, and he can breathe again.

"Hey Cassie," he says.

"How are you? Sam told me you got shot."

"I'm fine. I'm allowed to go home."

"Mom would have kept you a night longer," she says with sadness and a smile.

"Probably."

"Can you come over too?"

"Now?"

"Yeah, Sam is coming. We're having pizza. I'd like to see you."

His eyes jump to Carter, who is oblivious to what Cassie just asked him. They can't spend the evening together—of all nights, not tonight. But then a girl who just lost her mom asks him to comfort him, and as always for Jack O'Neill duty comes first.

He covers the receiver and whispers to Carter, "She wants me to come."

Carter bites her lip, and he's sure the same thoughts rush through her brain before she comes to the same conclusion.

"You aren't supposed to drive anyways. I'll take you," Carter says.

Jack forces her to look into his eyes for another moment before he tells Cassie, "We're on our way."

When the elevator doors close behind them, he thinks about how many aftermaths they have spent in this elevator. After Carter got trapped behind the force field of Apophis ship. After they had admitted their feelings for each other at the Zar'Tarc test. It's fitting that today they'll ride again.

Jack wonders if he should apologize. Just what to say? Sorry, I kissed you. He should be regretting it, but he no. It was probably the best thing that happened to him in months—years even, and just because it's against the rules, he won't make it a bad thing.

"Is this okay?" Jack asks and doesn't dare to look at her.

"Yes," Carter answers without hesitation. "It's good. We need you."

* * *

The shrill sound of Carter's cellphone breaks through the silence between them.

„Can you get this? It's probably Cassie. She loves the chocolate cake from the diner on the way and always wants me to bring a slice," Carter pokes and grins at Jack knowingly.

„Wonder where she's got that from," he answers and digs through her purse to find her phone. When Jack feels the device vibrate under his fingers, he pulls it out and wishes he hadn't. In fact, he wishes to not even be in her car.

Jack holds the phone like an active grenade, knowing that it's going to blow up right in his hands one way or the other. A sigh slips out without him, and of course, Carter looks over right away.

"It's Pete," Jack says quietly, still holding the phone like an alien device. The name on the display is a painful reminder that their kiss isn't only against the regulations but also his usual moral conduct.

Carter wriggles about on her seat, and when she speaks, her voice is nervous, yet she tries to play the call down.

"Just let it ring."

For three more endless rings, he is forced to stare at the word Pete. Just Pete. Not Pete Shanahan. Or whatever his last name is. Only Pete. What greater proof does he need? He knows that he is saved as Colonel O'Neill. Colonel! Not Jack. The entire title right there in her phone. So even if she would ever think of calling him for not work reasons, she would get reminded right away that he is her CO and, therefore, that calling him for anything but work is wrong.

The phone finally stops ringing, and suddenly, it's painfully silent in the car. They turn into a tree-lined street that will lead them right to Fraiser's house. But before that, the phone starts ringing again.

Pete.

Again.

Carter flinches. Jack takes a deep breath and hands her the phone.

"I won't tell the cop that you're driving and talking on the phone," he says.

She looks at him uneasily and apologetic but then grabs the phone and picks up. Her face is stern, and her voice cold.

"Hey.—In the car.—No, I'm not.—Uh, Colonel O'Neill."

Her eyes flick over, and Jack is surprised that she is telling Pete that he is with her—apparently, he is driving too.

"We are on our way to Cassie."

Jack can't hear what Pete is saying. It's long, and even though Jack tries to look straight on to the road, he notices that it makes Carter nervous.

"No, no. No need. I know you have to get out early.—He was injured. Cassie wants to see him.—Yes. I'll call you tomorrow."

Jack is pretty sure the cop just said _I love you, _and that knowledge destroys something in him. He can't help but turn to her. Her eyes jump from the road to him—all color has vanished from her face. She doesn't even blush.

"Uh, yeah. Alright, talk to tomorrow then," Carter abruptly says, hangs up and throws the phone with a bit too much force onto the backseat.

_Great, _he thinks. This will be just great.

* * *

Cassie lies sprawled out and deep asleep on one sofa. Jack and Carter share the other one. After the first movie, Jack has given up on trying to bring as much distance as possible between him and Carter. Now he's leaned back, his arm on the backrest and Carter's head leans against his arm. She fell asleep in the middle of the second movie, and it's not that either of them forced this contact of her head on his arm to happen, but Jack thinks it's stupid to make a big deal out of it now.

As the credits of Star Wars flicker over the screen, his hand falls numb, and he twitches his arm, which wakes Carter. Drowsy, she lifts her head and luckily doesn't break into a panic when she noticed she slept on him. She smiles softly and stretches, showing off her lean yet muscular arms. It's just another reminder in what kind of woman he fell in love with. A soldier just like him.

"I should get a cab," Jack says and gets up. There's a spare bedroom, but if he needs to go back to work on Monday to keep fighting that eternal fight against the Goa'Ulds and his feelings for Carter, he needs at least one night with his old friend Johnnie Walker.

Carter nods and follows him to the door.

"Sir, that… what happened earlier..."

"Carter," he interrupts her with that tone that makes her knee turn Jell-O. Maybe Fraiser's death is just the last reminder Jack needs to realize how quickly he can lose Carter too. How, when that happens, all they ever had was this kiss. So he doesn't want to disgrace it—after all this kiss is how he feels for her. So he grabs her hand and strokes over its back like it's the most loving thing he can ever do to her.

"We'll gonna fight the Goa'Uld with everything we've got," Jack says, and Carter sighs because she knows that 'Everything we've got' means their love. No one knows how many more sacrifices they have to bring before they will defeat the Goa'Uld. Maybe after getting away barley alive this time, they owe each other more, but they owe it to Fraiser to keep fighting.

"It might take years," Carter says, and it seems as if she's suggesting that it's too long, that she doesn't want to hold back anymore. So he needs to be strong for both of them. It's hard enough to see her on the frontlines now; he can't even imagine how hard it would be if she'd allowed him to love her.

"It is what we do," Jack says. The sadness on Carter's face feels heavy on his heart.

He's halfway out the door when he hears her say, "It's what we do."

**Comments keep me writing.**


	29. Down for: Lost Mind

**Down for: Lost Mind**

_Jack's thoughts during 'Lost City'_

_A quick one before diving into the complex thoughts of Sam for the next chapter. _

If it weren't for the looming threat coming from Anubis and the ancient knowledge gnawing on his brain, things were going well. They had shoved all feelings back into the room, locked twice, moved on, and now challenged each other to crossword puzzles. They had fun. If it hadn't been the hottest thing that happened to him in a very long time, Jack could almost forget that he had made out with Carter.

That's how good things were going.

But when Jack opens the door and finds Carter standing in front of his house looking nervous as hell, he can only think: _Oho!_

And oho is right. Carter tucks in her lip, blinks at him with big blue eyes, and his thoughts are all back to that kiss. His body seems to remember, too, so he escapes to the kitchen to fetch two beers and stick his head into the fridge. Unfortunately, this gives her time to look at the pictures on his wall, and when he comes back, she is looking at the one of his earlier life.

_Carter sure doesn't know how to act on a date. _

_Whoops. _

_It's not a date. _

_Definitely not._

This must have been an ancient thought.

Jack tries to focus on the task on hand: sipping his beer without further thought-accidents. And of course, it's getting awkward. Carter notices and doesn't even sit down, but puts her beer on the table and stutters something about it being a bad idea to come here. Yes and no. He wants her to be here. He could grab her and kiss her and finish what he started in the infirmary a couple of weeks ago and blame it all on some ancient confusion. But no, as much as he wants it, _no_. He's probably going to die, and he's not doing that to Carter. He's not going to throw his feelings at her now.

Finally, she sits down, and when she says she should have done it, he's at the brink of kissing her again.

_Carter._

Somehow he manages to wrap his feelings in the husk of a vague sentence that hopefully tells her how he feels, just, you know, without telling her.

He's not lying when minutes later Daniel pokes his head into the living room and asks if they are interrupting. No, they are not. Nothing inappropriate is going to happen. No words are left to say. And after all those four people are his family. They are everything he needs. And he needs them to be there for him now and soon for Carter because even though she still sees the cop, her coming here shows Jack, she's not done with whatever there is between the two of them.

**As always: Reviews keep me writing.**


	30. Back in order

**Back in order**

_Missing scenes for "Lost City 1+2". _

Colonel Jack O'Neill is a man true to his words. Not too long ago, he said to Sam: "We'll gonna fight the Goa'Uld with everything we've got." Now he has unleashed a powerful weapon that defeated Anubis at the cost of his life. It is what they do. Putting everything before their own lives. Sam didn't expect it any other way, yet seeing him there, frozen behind the surprisingly warm glass-like surface staring at her with empty eyes, rips a hole in her chest deep enough to swallow everything around her. She stares at him, trying to read him the way she usually can. But this time, he is hemmed inside himself. Impossible to say what's left inside the shell that looks like him but is now filled with knowledge from another time, another race.

_"Sam," _comes somewhere from a different galaxy.

She closes her eyes and makes a promise that no matter the costs, she's going to find a way. She will bring him back, even if it will take years. Even if by then her blond has turned white and lines have carved the years of trying to find a solution into her face. Even if it costs her job. Even if it costs her life. She's going to save the man that saved them all because saving him is what she does. Always did. Always will. It's the only way to value what she feels for him. The only way to make him feel it too.

"Sam."

It's Daniel. Somewhere a million lightyears away from her.

She has so much practice with sweeping up her shattered feelings and stuffing them into the room that her face is almost back in place when she turns around to Daniel and Teal'c. Only for a heartbeat, her helplessness shows before the perfect soldier mask slips back on, and determination fills her eyes and her heart. They will fix this. And they better get started right now.

Daniel is either not fast enough to register the change in her demeanor, or he knows it's pretend because he puts his hand on her arm and says something like it's going to be okay—just that it's never going to be okay. Not when it comes to Sam and Jack. In the very end, when one of them is about to die, they will always be more than just Colonel and Major, and they will always have to hide it.

* * *

"Hey," Daniel pokes his head into Sam's office, the place she hasn't left in a week trying to figure out a solution to bring Colonel O'Neill back. She has considered everything humans can think of short of googling '_How to defrost the guy I'm secretly in love with, and only now that he's probably dead, I allow myself to remember how I feel for him.'_

Sam closes her laptop and stretches, her bones crack from hours hunched over a computer.

"Any news?"

"No, they are still negotiating over responsibility for the Antarctic outpost…"

Sam gets up and starts pacing her office. Colonel Jack O'Neill is the greatest hero the world has ever seen. He has sacrificed his life multiple times and just recently saved the world yet again, and now he is wall decoration in some icy Ancient palace.

"It's politics," Daniel explains.

Sam makes a sound very similar to one Jack used to make as soon as there was talk about politics.

"What about the Asgards?"

"We've tried to contact them. Believe me."

Sam slumps back into her chair, then looks up and smiles apologetically.

"I'm sorry. It's just…"

"I know,' Daniel says, unaware that these were some of the last English words Jack had muttered to Sam in the romantic light of Goa'Uld crystals reflecting of gold walls. Considering that Sam had tried again to tell him how she felt about all of this, him, them—at least something along those lines—his answer, or cut off couldn't have been any shorter. Sam still tries to decipher what she saw in his eyes at that moment. For once, she hadn't been able to read him. Maybe because of the ancient knowledge in his brain or because he doesn't feel the same way anymore.

Daniel pushes a white envelope over the table. It is thick—at least four pages must be stuffed inside this bringer of thoughts and feelings and possibly confessions, all scribbled with the same neat handwriting that embellishes the front with the word: Carter. Her name in his writing looks as strange as anything but Carter out of his mouth feels. Sam's fingers start to tremble, and tears are threatening to roll over her, so she keeps her hands to herself and her eyes on his handwriting and asks the rhetorical yet only question that comes to mind because she doesn't want to know the answer because it means it's the end and it's not. She asks, "What is this?"

"Jack gave it to me before we left for Procarush Taonas. He gave me one letter for each of us. One for Cassie too."

Sam can feel Daniel's eyes on her, but she can't quite get herself to look up.

"It helps to read his words."

"He is not dead." It comes out sharp and hurts Daniel just the way intended. If he has given up, fine, she hasn't.

"Sam…"

Of all people, she doesn't need Daniel to stop believing. He needs to be on her side, going crazy lengths, not sleeping. Not going home to a serious boyfriend who somehow is suspiciously quiet after he heard that Jack O'Neill is MIA and doesn't interrupt her with begs for coming home when she is staying in mountain day after day after day.

_Argh, _she curses herself. This is not about her. This is about getting Colonel O'Neill back, but given her recent reputation after the incident with Dr. Lee, she can't be the only one committed. So she starts telling Daniel about her plan to get in contact with the Asgards. If she's walking into a meeting with Weir to make her sign off on a genuinely cuckoo plan, it can't sound like her idea. It needs to come from all of them. But that's mostly good intentions because in the end she blackmails Weir and now she's hiding on a farm bathroom from Pete or better said Fifth who still thinks he can convince Sam that this, Pete and the horses and all of it, is her real life.

How could Fifth have gotten it all so wrong? It makes her wonder if she is that good at lying to herself that even Fifth believes the thoughts that are swimming on the surface are what she wants. She would never give up her job for Pete or anyone really. She would never be happy just living life.

Besides, Fifth should know that she had left Pete in a fight. The evening before she and Teal'c had embarked on their trip to find the Asgards in another galaxy to ask them to rescue Colonel O'Neill's, she left the base and spent the night with Pete. It was a beautiful evening. At least when they were together, she didn't think about Colonel O'Neill—yeah, well not all the time. But of course, the conversation led to telling Pete that she was leaving for an indefinite time with the possibility of not returning.

Right after Pete had come to know about her job, they promised each other to be honest when to came to missions that would be especially risky. So far, Pete had been understanding and never asked her not to go—not so this time. First, he was taciturn. Barely reacted when Sam told him that she would be gone for at least two weeks traveling to another galaxy and that the ship they were going to use wasn't built for such a trip. He started to pace when she told him that she might not come back. And then, for the first time since he knew about the Stargate program and that everything she said was the maximum she would tell him, he asked: Why? Of course, she didn't answer. Instead, Sam got angry and told him she was simply doing her job. Unfortunately, Pete had done the math—he knew Colonel O'Neill was missing, and it didn't take much to figure out that Sam was going to rescue him. With that knowledge, something snapped in Pete. He begged Sam to stay. To not leave on a possibly deadly mission for her probably dead boss. That was the moment she grabbed her bag and fled back to base.

Now, being stuck in this replicator fantasy world, Sam is glad she called Pete before she left. He didn't understand, he wasn't okay with it, but he had begged her to make it back to him, and she really wants to keep the promise she made, just right now it's not looking so good. Also, there's another promise she made to another man. But Sam quickly shoves those thoughts back into the maximum-security room in her heart—the one even Fifth doesn't seem able to access. He doesn't pick up on the feelings that are so deep inside of her that sometimes even she forgets them.

Only when Fifth tells Sam that the one she calls O'Neill has found them and her heart jumps up and starts racing in her chest realization hits the replicator: he tried to persuade her with wrong fantasy all along. A recognition that is coming too late because next thing Sam remembers is him. Colonel O'Neill is rushing to her side as she lies on the moist, soft forest ground. His hands are pulled towards her like she's a black hole, and he just a moon. He stops short from touching her. Oh, it's butterflies and fireworks and all other cliches all at once when she looks into his brown eyes, and he smirks at her.

"You okay?"

"Glad to see you, Sir."

"Likewise."

They've made it once again. Colonel O'Neill, short one of his nine lives and Sam, well Sam, even more confused about her feelings, but right now, joy is dominating it all.

* * *

"Whatcha doing?"

Sam is sitting in her lab, playing with the golden stars that used to decorate her shoulders when she hears Colonel O'Neill's voice. She turns around to find him leaning in the doorframe. His tie is loose around his neck and the top button of his shirt open.

"You're missing your party."

"Actually, it's your party, Sir."

"Even worse then," he says with a boyish grin and pulls a plate with a slice of cake from behind his back. He steps closer, and Sam grabs the fork he is offering her.

"Is this part of the base commander's duties, General?"

It's borderline insubordinate paired with using his new rank for the first time. As always, he's rather pleased than offended by it and puts the cake on the table.

"Only for certain Colonels."

Hearing him call her Colonel does all kinds of things to her insides. They twist and turn and tingle. Oh, this feels so good. Colonel! She is proud, humbled, and cocky all at once. This is what she lives for: Her job. And this honor coming directly from him is the best thing she felt in a very long time.

"Colonel," Sam repeats.

"I think you'll get used to it very quickly," General O'Neill replies.

He knows her well.

They look at each other with all sorts of new feelings mixed into this cocktail of respect, and well, yes, a tiny bit of love is in there too, until General O'Neill digs his hand into his pocket and pulls out a little leather box.

Sam is no illusionist or romantic person, and yet for a brief second, her heart stops. It kicks back in right again and pumps a different feeling through her veins when he says, "I thought you might want to keep your Major stars in here."

When she opens the box, she reads his name: Colonel Jonathan O'Neill.

"You gave me your Colonel insignia?"

He nods with a smirk while her heart is about to burst with gratitude. She's so lucky to have him as her commanding officer. He's the best soldiers the world has seen, the best a man can be. He is her mentor, and he believes in her more than anyone else in the world.

"Thank you. That means a lot to me."

He waggles her thanks away, but his eyes reveal his happiness.

"Thanks for not letting me veg out as popsicle."

"Always, Sir."

And then it comes hot at her. The letter. The one she never opened. Because he wasn't dead and because he wouldn't let her tell him how she feels, so she wouldn't read his letter. She's not sure about the implications of her next move. But somehow it's right. She has decided to move on. It feels like a lot of things click into place, pieces she hadn't known were scattered around the recesses of her brain. Even though Fifth had gotten it all wrong, she likes the idea of being with Pete more than just 'not serious.' Fifth made her wonder what could be. Pete can handle her job, most of the time, so maybe they can work it out.

Sam opens her top drawer and pulls out the letter. The paper under her finger feels like it's alive and that it might have the power to change her mind, so she quickly puts it on the table and pushes it towards General O'Neill just like Daniel handed it to her.

The emotions that cross his face for only a blink are not easy to read. It could be relief, could be disappointment, so Sam follows up with an explanation.

"You weren't dead."

The right corner of his lips curls up, and he nods. He reaches for the letter only to push it back slightly.

"Keep it. There will be another occasion."

"You might want to rewrite…"

"I'm a simple man, Carter. I don't change my mind."

_What is that supposed to mean? _

He heads for the door, and as he leaves, says with a tease in his voice, "Just don't use it to blackmail your new base commander."

** Thanks, samsg1 for the word 'popsicle. It's so Jack. As always: Comments are my motivation.**


	31. By the rules

**By the rules**

_Missing scenes for "Affinity"_

Lately, floors have the annoying habit of being solid. No chasm presents itself available for immediate jumping in when you need it most. Not a couple of months ago during that first uncomfortable conversation about Carter's love life, not now when she's handing him the little ring box. Jack's default defense-humorism manages a witty comment while in the background, wheels are turning, and his heart is seizing. Possibly he's just going to have a heart attack and get out of it this way, but just like floors, his heart seems rather reliable. It's steadily pounding in his chest, enduring the pain just like it did the past four years.

"I haven't said yes," Carter says.

"And yet, you haven't said no."

This is as much of his true feelings he will give away. The rest of the conversation happens without him participating. He notices he is answering while his head is elsewhere—credits for that have to go to years of sitting through meetings and reacting to Carter's technobabble and Daniel's archaeology-gibberish.

But then comes the one question, and it brings him right back into Carter's lab with this distractingly sparkling diamond between them.

"What about you? If things had been different…"

This is the real question of this conversation, disguised as a question about his past. What she's really asking—or what he's hearing, what some part of him wants her to ask while some other really doesn't is: what about us? It is burning from her eyes, hangs unsaid on her lips. And oh yes, he still cares for her—much more than he is supposed to. But he has dedicated his life to fighting the Goa'Uld. Not once, not twice, some uncountable times had he been willing to risk his life for this war and in the grand scheme of things decided a long time ago to give his love for this war as well. Because of rules and regulations and because he had always thought she had done the same. The ring is the ultimate proof. Just her question a yaw.

Things won't change. Rules won't bend. So this between them will never happen. Not as long as the Goa'Uld are fighting back, and only Gods know how long that will take.

He can't give her his love, but he wants to give her every little thing he can. And if that means pushing her into the arms of another man, so she can be happy, then he will give this to her. Perhaps at the price of hurting her first.

"I wouldn't be here," Jack says and tries to make it as final as possible. She sighs and looks down, and he takes it as the chance to leave.

"Go home, Carter," he commands as if his previous sentence wasn't enough.

When he steps out of her lab, all he can't think is whiskey, but instead, he heads back to his office and finishes reports.

* * *

For the past minutes, Daniel has been lingering in front of Jack's office. Occasionally, Daniel peeks into the room, but Jack knows better than looking up from the report he is not reading. Eventually, Jack decides, Daniel has been trying to build up courage for long enough and calls him in.

Daniel's eyes jump all over Jack in search of a clue of what's going on inside of him, but if Daniel came to talk, he's gotta talk.

"So, have you heard?" Daniel slumps down into the chair across Jack's desk and pretends to be very interested in the golden eagle he's picked up from a massive pile of unread reports.

"I'm the man Daniel. I hear pretty much everything." Jack knows exactly what Daniel is talking about, but if he wants an answer, he needs to ask first.

"Sam's engaged."

So, she did it. It's not that Jack is surprised about the fact, more so that something in him had hoped and believed she wouldn't. For what reason he's not sure, because a long time ago he came to terms that this between them will never happen.

"To Pete," Daniel adds as if there's suddenly some other candidate in the mix. Well, some other guys would probably line up right away — that horrible McKay, for example.

Daniel is getting antsy and a bit annoyed because none of his words create a reaction in Jack. So he keeps pressing, "You knew?"

It's almost amusing how surprised Daniel seems. The idea that Carter told Jack seems absurd to his friend. So Jack decides on all honesty today—well, for the most part.

"Yeah," Jack states. "We talked about it," he clarifies.

It takes Daniel a second to rearrange his face.

"You talked about it?"

"Yeah."

"Like she asked you for advice?"

"Kind of."

"And you said she should marry him?"

Daniel's voice is now at least two octaves higher, and if it weren't for that still kind of sensitive topic, Jack would enjoy this moment a lot.

"I didn't tell her not to."

Daniel is now looking at him as if not sure if Jack O'Neill has been replaced once again or infected with some alien virus or just finally gone nuts. But Daniel knows him too well, and after getting over his first astonishment, he notices the game of cool Jack is playing and raises the stakes.

"And the thing between you and Sam, …"

Of course, it doesn't take Daniel long to have him pushed to the edge. One more and Jack might lose his hard-won cool.

"Daniel," Jack hisses but Daniel doesn't care about this warning. He's way too agitated about this. _Why_ Jack wonders. Why is whatever there is or was and definitely never will be between him and Carter so important to him?

"So you're okay with this?"

"Of course. I've told her a million times to get a life. She's finally following orders." It takes him every inch of self-control to get this out, but he does and is surprised that it seems to satisfy Daniel.

"I guess I just always thought…"

"Daniel, she's my 2IC, I'm her commanding officer, that's what we are. It's okay." Jack cuts him off, answering the question that drove Daniel here in the first place. Everything he will say about this has been said. Daniel seems to understand and retreats.

When the door closes behind Daniel, Jack lets out a huff of air and pulls the next report out of this neverending pile.

Weirdly it's true. He is fine. With Carter's decision to get a life, something in him has clicked. As long as he was thinking about her, setting his sights on what he thought was unattainable, he was stuck in the idea that maybe, one day, they would get a chance. Now that there was no reason to hope for one day anymore, perhaps he could finally move on.

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	32. Leave Behind

**Leave behind**

_Episode tag to "Gemini"_

It's been five days since the replicator version of herself has escaped through the Stargate. Five nights in which Sam woke up drenched in sweat haunted by a nightmare, she has tried to not put in words or thoughts. She is panting, her heart pounding in her chest like she's just sprinted to the gate with a hundred jaffa on her heels. A nightmare in itself, only one that would be easier to deal with.

Up until now, she's never been a person who's tormented in her dreams. Usually, they are empty voids, her sleep a black whole that soaks up every memory and emotion. She knows how lucky that makes her. How much easier this skill makes her job. Her father had never been able to drift into sleep feeling free. Countless nights she woke up from his screams and her mother's soft, comforting murmur. Just like her father, General O'Neill goes through torture when the night set in. Black-ops, Iraqi-prison, his son's tragic death, and Ba'al stealing the innocence of his slumber. More than once during an off-world night in a two-person tent, she woke up from her tossing and turning CO. No word or ever escaped his lips, but in the dim light of the tent, his face was pale and full of panic. They had never talked about it. Words would have brought the ghosts of his dream world into reality. So she had comforted him the only way he allowed: holding his glance until he drifted back into sleep, her hand on his arm as anchor to reality. It's ironic almost that he's her incubus now.

Sam takes a deep breath and slowly lifts her hand, afraid to see the blood on it that covered it in her dream. It's not there, of course.

A sob escapes Sam's lips, and she is about to push herself up when arms wrap around her. Pete pulls her back against his chest and burrows his nose in the crook of her neck. He kisses her softly and whispers, "It was just a dream. It was just a dream."

Sam relaxes in his arms. His heartbeat a reminder of what is real just that her dreams are more than dreams. Or no dreams at all but something the replicator has left in her mind when she let Sam feel how Fifth had tortured her. It's something real and living and disturbingly revealing.

Eventually, Sam is back in the gateroom. Daniel and Teal'c are lying dead on the floor, but Sam has no eyes for them and only for him. Jack squints at her, his eyes challenging as much as scared. His gun is pointed at her, but then he must see something in her eyes, and he drops it. _No_, she thinks and wants to scream; instead, she steps closer. She yells: _Kill me. Please shoot me! _But the words stay trapped inside of her. They are only inches apart from each other, his breath warm on her face, his smell so good in her nose. He's surprised by this closeness and against everything he's trained for, against every rule engraved in his mind, he doesn't take her down. Even though she just killed his best friends right in front of her eyes. Instead, he leans forward—just a tad. There's a crackle in the air between his lips and her. Her chest threatens to burst—not from happiness but from pain. Jack swallows. He is so open and vulnerable and there for her, revealing everything in just a glance. She's the one that closes the last distance and pushes her lips onto his. Sam's body is overwhelmed by the sensation of this kiss, yet her hand moves as if guided by a different brain and heart thrusting a knife into Jack's chest. He gasps for air. Surprise and shock and you-would-never fill his eyes while the warmth of his blood spills onto her hands and soaks into her shirt. And then life leaves his body, she can see it, feel it, and something in her dies as well.

"Sam!" Pete's voice rips her out of this agony.

Sam shoots up and stares at her hand. No blood, no knife, and when she looks up, no General O'Neill. Her heart is racing, aching, and the cold sweat sends a chill over her body.

"Sam?" Pete sounds worried. Of course, who wouldn't after walking up night after night from your fiancé crying in her dreams, saying things like 'I could never kill him.'

"I'm okay," Sam manages to say, but when she feels his hand on her arm, she knows this night she won't get away that easy.

"I know you can't tell me what happened on your mission. And I guess you can't tell me what you are dreaming either," Pete murmurs. He slips behind her so that she's sitting between his legs. His arms wrap around her as if he could protect her from whatever is happening. "But I promise you I'll try my best so that you never have to kill me."

Another kind of shock rips through her body. She's been talking. Hopefully, not mentioning any names, her commanding officer's name to be precise. Sam turns around to meet Pete's worried eyes. He smiles softly and kisses her forehead.

"I hate that I can't protect you out there, but I'm gonna be here," he pats on the bed, "to protect you every night from whatever is haunting you. Even if that means I won't ever sleep again."

_Oh god, _she thinks. He is so perfect, and she is so fucked up. Nevertheless, she lets him pull herself closer and curls into his embrace. Sam sends a little thank you for not putting the burden of protecting her from Replicators, Goa'Ulds, and other alien threats on Pete but on a man that has taken up that challenge over the one of loving her. Eventually finds sleep again—this time without Jack O'Neill in it.

**Comments keep me writing. Thank you.**


	33. Quango

**Quango**

_Missing scenes and episode tags to "Gemini," "It's good to be king," "Citizen Joe"_

Four signs that show it's cool. That Jack got a grip on his feelings. That they are friends. Perhaps even closer than before Carter got engaged, and all was just a tad confusing. Not that he is keeping track.

* * *

They eat cake again. Not that he ever stopped, just cake with a nice serving of Carter didn't happen in a long time. Now it has become their routine. Every day, when he's not stuck in boring briefings or meetings or phone calls or other earthly tortures, and she's not off-world having a blast, they eat cake. Sometimes in the commissary, sometimes in his office and if he hasn't seen her all day, he brings a plate to her lab. Since their cake dates have started, Jack more frequently spars with Teal'c. He is just making sure that in the end, he didn't survive getting shot at on missions only to die from a desk job and cake. Once or twice, he wondered how Carter could remorselessly eat all that cake while preparing for a wedding, but then this is one of the things he decided not to think about until the very last moment.

So back to cake.

It all started with Carter having a plan. A very easy to through one.

She stands in his door with a huge slice of chocolate cake, and a smile on her lips gives it all away. _Sorry, Carter. _They've known each other for seven years now.

"What do you want?" Jack bores into Carter, who fashions an innocent smile as she puts a plate with cake on his desk.

"Nothing," she answers and drops into the chair opposing him.

"I'm not letting you go to Atlantis," he says and pulls the plate closer—just for good measures.

"Can't a Colonel bring her CO a slice of cake when she happens to be in the commissary when the last one is on display?"

Technically there is something slightly off in this rhetorical question, but just as most of the time, Jack decides to not dwell on that. Instead, he takes a bite and looks at her again.

"Over my dead body, Carter."

That's how cake-dates started.

* * *

"Argh, crap," Jack says as he steps out of the mountain.

The world is covered in a white blanket of snow. The SGC personnel can hardly keep up with the ever falling white in their attempt to clear the road. Not that someone is going in or out in this weather anyway. They told him there was a blizzard; he just never took weather all that serious. Jack curses himself for coming in on a Sunday in the first place. He should be sitting at home, watching hockey instead of reading reports, but too late for that now. Jack turns around, accepting the fate of an involuntary night covered deeply by snow when something hits him on the shoulder. He swirls around and finds Carter. Her cheeks are rosy from the cold, and her eyes sparkle with special intensity in this snow-white night. She has the wicked grin of an excited a five-year-old on her face, bouncing another snowball in her hand.

"Carter," Jack warns, but he's lost already.

The second ball hits him right at the head, breaking into soft, cold flakes that find their way into his jacket. His eyes shoot around, looking for someone to witness him getting his ass served by his Colonel. But no one near. He's pretty sure Carter checked first. Before he can gather his wits, a third snowball hits him on the chest and declares war. Jack digs his hands into the cold white, forms a ball, and throws it back.

"Throwing snowballs at your commanding officer—the base commander to top that is more than just insubordinate."

She quickly dodges his projectile with a smoothness he has witnessed many times before. In return, he feels another impact on his leg.

"Seems like you lost your aim behind that desk," Carter teases, and that's all Jack needs to stop pretending he's THE man. Snowballs fly at lightspeed, and he completely forgets where he is, who he is, and who he's throwing snowballs at until the doors behind him open, and Colonel Reynolds steps out. Carter freezes and drops the snowball and Jack, well, he's soaked and panting and grinning like either too old or too young. At first, Reynolds looks wary but then smiles knowingly and says, "Looks like you could need some more off-world experience, Sir."

What has he gotten himself into? Not just one but two insubordinate Colonels. He tries to imagine walking in on Hammond and Carter throwing a snowball fight, but it won't come together.

Jack shoots the two Colonels a chilly look, pats off his jacket, and turns around to the elevator.

"I guess we're stuck here tonight. If you don't want me to remember my off-worldskills, may I ask my two highest 'subordinates' to join me for a warming bottle of whiskey in my office?"

* * *

"Five wives?" Carter complains as he steps out of the gate.

Jack smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

"It's Maybourne, what can I say?"

He nods at Reynolds, who took over base command for the time SG-1 was gone, then follows Carter down the hallway towards the locker room.

"I'm surprised he even found one that is … into him," she says, and he can hear the tease in her voice.

They walk side by side down the corridors, and for the first time in a very long time, he feels alive. Getting shot at, a very tight rescue, blowing up some Goa'Uld ship is just what he needed. Needless to say that having Carter on his side all day long, makes it even better. Just like the old days.

They catch up with Teal'c and Daniel in front of the locker rooms.

"So, felt good to be back out there again?" Daniel asks.

"We didn't get killed, so there's that," Jack says and pulls his hat from his head to cover the smile which he can't stop from flashing over his lips.

"How about a team night?" Carter says suddenly, and Jack is sure that Daniel and Teal'c are just as surprised as he is. They haven't had a team night ever since, well, he doesn't really want to think about that right now.

"Great idea," Daniel catches on quickly and beams from joy.

"Indeed," Teal'c says with a slight bow, and then all eyes are on Jack.

He can't unstick his eyes from Carter, who looks at him all open and free of guilt and everything else that had been in her eyes a while back. A look he has missed so much. He grins at her, just at her and then says,

"O'Malley's?"

* * *

"General," Miss Johnson slips her hand into the elevator door to prevent it from closing. "Would you want to join me for dinner?" The smile that curls her lips tells Jack that this might be more than a work dinner. He's taken aback about how open she is—no shyness whatsoever, instead she adds, "I hate eating alone."

Jack's eyebrows fly up by the possibilities that present themselves in the lousy lightning of the SGC elevator. He's not blind; she is beautiful; it just seems that at some point in the past, he had stopped noticing other women. It's probably the thought 'other women' that makes him say yes, and three hours later is not just dinner anymore, but Kerri's head rests on his chest while her finger swirls his grey hairs.

"This is not going to influence our work relationship, is it?" she murmurs into his flank.

"No," he answers and digs his nose into her hair. She smells soft and warm, and he could get used to it. "But you wouldn't mind keeping it quite? People at the SGC have a habit of gossiping."

Kerri sits up and looks at him, and for an unsettling heartbeat, he thinks he might have just ruined this, but then she smiles seductively.

"So, you want to do this again?"

He almost wants to shake his head because he has forgotten how easy it can be.

"Oh yes," he says after a beat, then leans forward and presses his lips against hers.

**Sorry guys :) Reviews keep me writing.**


	34. Loose Ends

**Loose ends**

_Missing Scenes to "Threads"_

_Here we are. A long time in the making. The part of the Sam-Jack-Story I've been writing towards. This is the first part because Threads deserves more than just one chapter. So I hope you enjoy this one and I'm trying not to let you wait too long for part two. Thank you for sticking with me through this story. I'm always happy to read your comments._

* * *

Some things aren't a choice—like falling in love with Carter. Other things are a choice like never allowing yourself to love her because duty comes first. Jack can twist and turn in all directions, but it was his decision. First, it had been hers. Deciding that they were okay, that it would never have to leave the room. As time moved on, she seemed willing to open the door, but he had pulled it shut. His choice, his own fault Jacob, is reminding him about her wedding looming in the rose bushes. Even though Carter doesn't seem particularly thrilled about getting remembered either. It might have something to do with the way Jacob teases her, spells it all out, and the fact that he is doing it in front of Jack. But then again, it doesn't help to think about it this way. They've moved on, and most of the time he's really ok with it. She has Pete. He has Kerry. They are better friends than they've been in a long time. It's all good, he tells himself but can't help but feel a slight satisfaction when she cringes after he says, "Teal'c and Bra'tac are meeting with the Jaffa. There's nothing to do around here. Go pick flowers!"

Carter heads off with the deathly glare Jack can very much imagine 16-year old Sam used to throw Jacob. Just like Jack can imagine Jacob pretending he didn't know what's wrong—like right now.

"Alright, fellows." Jack claps his hands and turns back to Teal'c and Bra'tac, who seem oblivious to the underlying dynamics of human wedding dramas. "We'll expect you back in 12 hours."

The jaffas bow and head out of the conference room. Jack is on their tail when Jacob stops him.

"With Sam doing wedding stuff, I've got some time," Jake reminds, and Jack is pretty sure he is testing the waters.

"Cake?" Jack suggests lighthearted not to give Jacob any reasons to keep doing whatever he is trying here.

"Whiskey?" Jacob counter-offers.

It's only 4:30 pm, but well.

"Sure," Jack says tentatively, somehow certain there's more to come.

When they arrive in Jack's office, Jacob slumps very un-General and un-Tok-Ra-like into a chair before he pulls himself together and rights to full impressive posture. Quietly Jack pours two drinks while stealing glances at Jacob and bracing himself for what is bubbling in the man. Jack doesn't have to wait long.

"Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything, Jake."

Something tells Jack that he's going to regret this immediate response.  
"You know things between Tok'Ra and Jaffa are tumultuous. Even within the Tok'Ra themselves, we're trying to figure out what comes next. So I might not be around for Sam's wedding."

_Oh, here we go. _

"I'm pretty sure if things are tumultuous, Carter won't be around for her wedding either," Jack says and gets the cut-the-crap look as a response from Jacob.

"There are things that are out of my control, and I don't want my girl to push off her life for me," Jacob says and takes a sip of his whiskey. Jack musters the man in front of him who seems different. The vigor that usually surrounds him is gone. His face has a pale and grey look even whiskey can't cure.

"Okay, what is it really?"

Jacob doesn't even try to deny Jack's implied accusation and takes a deep breath.

"Selmak is sick."

"Okay," Jack formulates as a question.

"I might not be around for Sam's wedding."

"What are you suggesting?"

"We're dying, and it's only a matter of time."

Before Jack can ask if Carter knows or tell him to go to the infirmary, Jacob continues, "I haven't told Sam. I'm still hoping we'll make it through the next to weeks. Her life is always so dramatic and chaotic, and I don't want to spoil her wedding."

"She has a right to know."

"Please, Jack. I'm telling you as the base commander, to be ready in case you have an alien collapsing out in the world. Not to get advice on how to deal with my daughter."

Carters might just be the most stubborn humans in the universe.

"I'm not happy about it," Jack says. "But I guess I said, I'll do you a favor."

"Well actually, there's something else," Jacob now sounds dangerous, something is coming for Jack, and all he can do is brace.

"If I'm not around, can you walk her down the aisle for me?"

The words are like a heavy punch in his stomach—no, in his balls. They make his heart skip in all kinds of directions, and Jack is not sure if he is doing a remotely convincing job at keeping his face together. _It shouldn't be a problem_, he recites mantra-like, but who is he fooling here?

"Uh," is all he can utter at first. Luckily a smart reply gallops to help on a white horse. "Wouldn't George do a much better job at that? He's a father figure for her."

Jacob tilts his head, and a wicked smile plays on his lips. He set out a trap, and Jack walked straight into it.

"Jacob…" Jack growls as a warning, but a dying father is not afraid of the man who's secretly in love with his daughter.

"You don't have a problem with her wedding, do you?" Jacob teases.

_Who thought it was a good idea to make the dad of your 2IC your most important ally?_

Jacob watches Jack closely, which makes it even more important to keep a straight face and act like, no, he really doesn't have a problem at all with Carter getting married. All peachy. But then, Jacob must have forgotten the rule of not hitting someone when they are down because he says, "You know, Tok'Ra write reports too. Anise tends to be especially detailed in hers."

Jack's masquerade fails him horribly. He pinches his nose, chugs his whiskey, and gets up for a refill.

"That's a very long time ago," he says when he's turned his back to Jacob. No way he's going to face this man now. The father of his 2IC knows that he's been in love with her. Oh, and of course he's a General, so he very much knows that there's a problem with this and he could get him in trouble right away.  
"Jack."

Jack is surprised by how soft Jacob's voice sound. Not at all angry or disappointed.

"What do you want me to say?" Jack sighs. His eyes are still hefted on the picture of SG-1 that's hanging on the wall. God, were they young back then. Young and free from the ballast they carry now. No forced love declarations, no tortures, and losses, no giving everything up.

"Do you still feel for her?" Jacob's voice breaks through the montage of the past eight years. Carter in it in every scene. And suddenly, deep inside him opens the door to the room he hasn't visited in a very long time. For the past year, he has told himself the room is empty, that he moved everything out of there.

Oh, what a lie. She's it. He loves her. And yet he can't. To Jack's rescue, the gate alarm starts. He shoots Jacob a sorry-not-sorry look and stumbles out of the door.

* * *

As they walk through the house she always wanted, Sam starts to wonder when she stopped wanting it. The kitchen is enormous, and according to Pete, it's easy as duck soup to take down the wall to the dining room to make it a big open space. He has it all mapped out. Bedroom to the right, nursery *wink* to the left. The garage fits her car and the bike, and he can park on the street. The sun falls onto the back porch in the mornings, so that's going to be their weekend breakfast spot. It's perfect, and it makes her want to throw up. Pete's got that happy smile on his face and saunters towards Sam all in for a kiss. Instead of embracing her fianceé, she pulls out her phone and pretends the SGC is calling with an emergency. The way Sam acts, it's a the-world-is-going-to-end-situation. Without even getting off her fake phone call, she gestures him that she has to leave and finds herself driving around town just a couple of minutes after Pete's big surprise.

Her fugue is not right. Not when she's running from the next logical step with her future husband. At least, in the beginning, she should feel like she wants it. Yes, he makes her happy, but the moment just now reveals that she won't be able to make him happy in return. Not the way he deserves. It would mean going so much out of her way, changing so much about her, and she can't do it. She won't start now bending for a fantasy which, if she's honest, isn't even what she wants.

Sam lets out a sigh and notices where her thought-driving has brought her: Jack O'Neill's house. She huffs a desperate laugh. Yeah, well, there's also that.

The never extinct feelings.

The still nagging question of what if.

Maybe it's time to find out once and for all. Sam has been at this point many times. The longer she had tried to build up courage, the more reasons why this was a bad idea populated her mind and eventually won the battle over the control of her motion functions. But the thing is: she still cares for him. Unfortunately, and it becomes clear right this moment, more than she cares for Pete.

There's smoke coming from the back of the house. It's almost painful how well she knows what he would be doing on a day like this when there's no drama in the SGC. Sam lets out a sigh then gets out of the car with a pace that's almost ironic. This time she's not going to lose courage or let him say 'I know.' Once Samantha Carter picks up momentum, there will be no stopping. Tabula Rasa. Not that she knows what to do once the words are spoken. Keep working with Jack O'Neill? Marrying Pete Shanahan? Probably no to all of it. But then how much longer can she pretend and try to be happy just to realize at one point it's not enough. She's never been one to settle for an alternative. That's how she got to become a doctor at 24. That's how she ended up at the Stargate Program.

Sam is marching around the house as she marches onto alien planets: Confident, yet ready to be attacked at any time. She doubts that her P-90 is going to help her in this conversation, but wishes for its comforting heaviness. When Sam turns the corner and spots him standing behind the grill, her determination falls apart like a replicator in the disruptor wave. She forces herself forward. Today she's going to be honest with him—and with herself.

* * *

Carter's head rests on Jacob's bed. They are both asleep when Jack enters the observation room. They moved Jacob here to give them more privacy than in the always bustling infirmary. Dr. Lam has confirmed what Jacob told him earlier the day: Selmak is dying and Jacob with her. It's well after midnight, more than ten hours since he followed Carter into the mountain and left Kerry at his place. She had been so very understanding. No questions, no accusations, not even a suspicious look, although Jack would understand if she had reacted differently. Jack doesn't know what Kerry overheard from his conversation with Carter, but he's pretty sure that situations don't come much more awkward, and he's maneuvered himself into many strange ones. Kerry seems to be equipped with all the right sensors to notice that this between Carter and him is complicated at best. It's just a matter of time until it will blow up. Because even though he tells himself that he doesn't need to hear what Carter was going to say to him, that they have moved on and it's good this way, his heart is betraying him horribly because ever since the moment earlier it started beating just for Carter again.

Jack sighs lowly and steps closers. Even in her sleep, Carter looks tired. Her hair is tousled, and her complexion pale. They've seen so many people die. Strangers, team members, close friends, family members—but the own parent is always something else. When his father died, Jack was on some alien planet. Stuck in some sticky situation, he can't remember right now. All Jack knows is that he had missed it. He never had the chance to say goodbye. So he's glad for Carter, that she can be on her father's side, no matter how hard it is in the moment.

Carter stirs, and her eyes flutter open. Slowly she gets up, and when she spots Jack, he doesn't feel uncomfortable for being caught watching her sleep.

"Hey," he says quietly, and Carter gives him a faint smile. "You should get some rest. I can stay with dad."

Carter turns back to her father. Something twists inside of Jack when he sees her so helpless and hurt. If not today, when can he ignore the rules and barriers he has built up? He squeezes her shoulder and is surprised to feel her lean into this contact and grab his hand to squeeze it back.

"Thank you, Sir. I don't want him to be alone and if…" she chokes on the words of what is inevitably going to happen.

"I'll get you as soon as anything changes, promise."

Carter nods and walks past Jack towards the exit.

Jacob is pale and haggard. Nothing left of the imposing General Jack first met almost eight years ago when a nervous Captain Carter introduced him over a glass of punch to her star-stud dad. Of course, she hadn't told Jack that she grew up as an Airforce brat. Probably afraid he would think less of her. That her father had pulled strings to get her where she was. Jack smiles at the thought of Carter over-explaining herself for her family later on the way back from D.C. His smile falters at the memories on how angry he had been at all the jealous Captains or Doctors or sexist Colonels or Generals who had tried to diminish Carter's achievements because she was a woman and her dad an Airforce General. Jack should have taken his fierce need to defend Carter's honor as the first sign that she started to grow on him—and not only as his 2IC.

"Sir," Carter's whisper pulls Jack out of his thoughts. When he turns around, he finds her standing in the door, looking nervously at her fingers, and it takes him right back to hours earlier at his house.

"I wanted to apologize for earlier. I didn't want to invade your privacy," Carter says without looking at him. As she stands there, shoulders slumped forward. There's nothing left from the strong Colonel that blows up suns, fearlessly faces enemies, and saved his sorry ass more than he can count.

"Nothing of that, Carter," Jack answers, and then the following words just fall out of his mouth like overly ripe fruit from a tree: "I'm sorry we got interrupted."

He is as surprised as she is, and it must show because a relieved smile curls her lips. He loses himself in her eyes. Dives deep into her blue and drifts there for a second. He doesn't know for how long they stand there, but suddenly Jacob coughs. Sneaky guy, Jack thinks, when he turns around to a pleased smile on Jacob's face.

"Dad."

With a few steps, Carter is back by Jacob's side and grabs his hands.

"Still here, kiddo. Go get rest. Jack can keep me company."

Jack narrows his eyes at the apparent pleasure Jacob is getting out of this situation.

Carter presses a kiss on Jacob's forehead and heads out.

"Thanks, Sir," she says.

Jack mentally prepares for another round of dad-talk, but when he turns around, Jacob has fallen back asleep. Jack sighs and sits down next to the bed.

* * *

The Tok'Ra start chanting a soft melody that crawls under Sam's skin and fills her with warmth from within. Dr. Lam is detaching the monitors from her father's body and tells Sam how sorry she is. Sam nods stoically but can't drag her eyes away from her father's peaceful face. Her thoughts wander to Mark, who never had the chance to reconnect with her father the way she had, and she feels sorry for him. A single tear sneaks out of the corner of her eye, paving the way for many more. She feels an eruption somewhere deep inside, but before it can break out, she is pulled into arms and pressed against a strong, broad chest. The unmistakable scent of Jack O'Neill fills her nose with a calming effect. His hand wanders over her back into her hair, holding her like no one has ever held her before. In his arms, she let's go of everything. There's no need to pretend in front of the man that has seen her in her worst moments and is still here by her side. He whispers soothing mumbles into her ear, which her brain can't form into words but are precisely the right thing she needs to hear. Sam digs her fingers into his shoulders, and then, when the stream of tears runs dry, she lets them sit in his neck, brushing along the soft skin ever so often. Eventually, she peels herself out of his arms because she needs to look into his eyes. She needs to see that she's not alone. That even though her father died, she still has a family. His eyes tell her all of that and many things more.

Jack stands right behind her when the Tok'Ra give their condolences and shoos them when they start talking about the burial of Jacob and Selmak.

Jack has his hand on the small of her back when the nurse covers Jacob's face and rolls him out of the observation room.

Jack squeezes her hand when she lets out a long sigh and turns around to face him. He musters her before he says, "Go home. I'll take care of things."

_Why home?_ There's nothing that is making this better.

"What should I do there?"

"Go to bed, watch a movie. I'm sure Pete can think of something."

Right, she forgot. This is just the little push she needs to finally make up her mind. She pulls herself together and says forcefully, "No Pete."

A range of emotion flickers over his face. Sam knows him well enough that he wants to tell this isn't the right time for big decisions, but her look must be sufficiently determined, so he swallows his words and worries, and another look appears on his face. Hope maybe.

"As in?" He says, his voice just a little bit unsteady.

"No Pete anymore."

"Ah."

He nods and looks at his boots, then back up.

"Well, I've spotted cake in the commissary. How about we meet in my office in 30? You go and uhm take a hot shower, and I'll get the cake?"

"Sounds good."

It's all she needs: Jack O'Neill. Cake isn't so bad either.

But then she thinks back at—wow it was more than a day ago—his house and Kerry coming out of it like she's never done anything else.

"Sir, don't you have somewhere else to be?" Sam says even though she's not sure the answer isn't going to rip her apart once more.

"Nope," Jack says.

„As in?"

"There's no one else I need… want to be with, Carter."

The smallest pocket of surprise lodges at the top of her chest.

"Since?"

He smiles. "Most recently since today."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

Sam feels an embarrassing bright smile on her lips. Jack twists in the lame attempt to make him look less happy because, given the circumstances, that's just wrong, but then again, what was ever right between them.

"So, two pieces each?" Jack finally says, and she nods.

She's going to be fine.

They are going to be fine.

* * *

**To be continued**


	35. Tying up

**Tying up**

_Part 2 to "Threads". But don't worry, you guys, I'm working on Part 3. There's just so much more to this episode. But for now, they finally made it!_

* * *

"Go to bed."

Carter can't even sit up straight in her chair anymore. Up and out, birds are chirping, and the sun is rising behind the mountain in which much has changed in the past hours. They've eaten four slices of cake and finished the bottle of whiskey Jacob and Jack had shared. It was only two days ago, and yet it feels like a lifetime.

"I don't want to be alone," Carter answers, and Jack thinks: yes, a lifetime. Carter would have never been so open, so vulnerable, and now she sits here, with hazy eyes and an adoring little whiskey-blush, and tells him that she needs him.

"Okay. I need to sleep, so come on." Jack gets up from behind his desk and pulls Carter out of her chair and after him. Willingly she follows as he navigates the hallways up to the levels of the private quarters. Whiskey is a lousy companion when you should keep a clear head, but he doesn't care. If people want to understand this situation wrong, it's their problem. Jack comes to a stop in front of Carter's room and nods encouragingly.

Carter's eyes grow big when she understands what he is doing only that she doesn't shy away. She digs her keycard out of her pocket, energetically swipes it, and steps into the room, holding the door open for Jack to follow.

It's only comfort, he tells himself. Nothing wrong about sleeping in the same room. They've shared tents and prison cells, spaceships cargo rooms, even a cabin in the woods once—a room on earth is not different. Yet they stand here without knowing where to with themselves. Maybe this is the moment he understands that things will change. They will unchangeably change. How is still not clear.

Eventually, Jack nods to the bed and settles down in the armchair on the other side of the room. Carter hesitates and stares at him, then as if switched on, she sheds her shoes and lies down. The moment her head hits the pillow, her eyes fall shut, and Jack lets out a relieved sigh. They are going to sleep now and think later.

A rustling sound wakes him. When he opens his eyes, he finds Carter lacing her boots. The glance at his watch comes as a huge surprise. It's almost 9 am, and the earth hasn't ended even though he didn't show up for work at 7 am.

"Morning," Carter says with a soft smile.

"Morning," Jack answers and cracks his knee. He's getting too old to sleep in a chair on the side of her bed.

"I'll be back in three hours," she says and ruffles through her hair. Jack allows himself to look at her a little longer than usual. He's come out of the routine of waking up, and the first thing he sees is a still sleepy Carter. With her, it's only a matter of seconds from sleepy innocence to a wide-awake soldier. Maybe waking up like this is one of the things he misses most behind his desk.

"I have something to take care of," Carter adds and slips into her jacket.

Jack is pretty sure that this something has something to do with Pete, but after a night's sleep, he has lost the courage to ask her. Instead, he asks, "Do you want me to set everything in motion?"

She nods with a sad yet thankful smile.

* * *

Besides making sure Carter is fine, he also has a job to do—Jack almost forgot in between eating cake, drinking whiskey, listening to stories about Jacob, and waking up next to her. This workday, however, is just another reminder that retiring wouldn't be too bad. If retired, he would be looking at his lake with a bottle of beer in his hand and maybe— an image he has tried to shoo away for quite a while comes back with stunning clarity—Carter on his side. But instead of taking in the beauty of Minnesota, he's staring at the blue shimmer of the gate. He's not holding a beer but clenches his hand into a fist. The only similarity to his fantasy is Carter next to him. And even though they are only seconds away from being blown into a million pieces either by the self-destruct or the super-weapon on Dakara, having Carter here gives him comfort. At this revelation, there, behind Walter's back, far below anyone's eye line, Jack's finger flings over to Carter's hand. They don't look away from the countdown that's ticking at the pace of their heartbeats when Jack wraps his hand around hers.

Jack has come to peace with dying at the hand of the Goa'Uld. He really has. It just makes him unreasonably angry that of all times, it might happen now when there's this slight shift in the things between them and opportunity in the air. Galvanized by those thoughts, his grip around Carter's hands tightens, and then, without much fanfare, the gate deactivates.

"Wormhole disengaged," Walter confirms.

"What's going on?" Carter inquires. She pulls her hand out of Jack's and jumps into action. He's more disappointed about the lost skin contact then excited about the lost gate contact even though it means they escaped death once more.

"I don't know. It must be some kind of… system malfunction."

"That's impossible," Carter declares.

"Shut it off," Jack says when his senses are back in the here and now.

Carter aborts the self destruct. Even Teal'c looks relieved and asks immediately for permission to travel to Dakara. Jack nods, and Walter starts dialing the gate while everyone presumes their daily work. Strange, how used they all are to Goa'Uld attacks and self-destructs.

They send of Teal'c, and Jack heads into his office when he notices Carter right behind him. She's got that scary look of there's more work to do on her face, so it comes as a surprise when she says, "Let's go home. Siler can analyze the gate date, and self destruct."

"Yes, Siler can," Jack answers carefully. Carter not wanting to analyze whatever there is to analyze is a dangerous sign. Maybe her father's death has taken a higher toll than he thought. But then she surprises him again when she says, "So, meet you at your house in an hour?"

Maybe the attack was successful, and they replaced Carter with some alien entity that is going to seduce him and then eat him, but then he's always been an optimist, so maybe no eating.

"What are we doing?" he asks carefully.

"I don't know about you, but I'm starving."

* * *

By the time he gets out of the mountain and into his car, he's already 20 minutes late. Can't stifle the president because the woman you've been secretly in love with for the past five or so years is finally waiting at your house after everything went haywire, and now it's time for a change. Oh, not to mention that this woman is your very own 2IC—Carter to spell it all out after all the president knows her too. Jack had contemplated texting her, but typing the little words 'Running late' had strangely felt like jinxing it. Either she is waiting for him knowing that a call with the president always takes longer or she changed her mind, and without this text, they could go back to work and pretend nothing had happened just like so many times before. He doesn't want to get his hopes up, so he prepares for situation two only to be surprised to find her car parked in front of his house. There's no sight of Carter, so he walks around to the backyard, where she sits on the steps to the porch. Seeing her there, in his world, flicks something on inside of him, something he didn't think was working anymore. He walks closer, and she notices him when he stops right there where only two days ago, she was standing to tell him that marrying Pete was a big, huge mistake.

"Hey," Jack says softly.

"Hey, Jack."

_Okay, this is new._

"Sorry I'm late." With a simple smile, she forgives him. Just like she has forgiven him many other things before. He walks over and sits down next to her. His arm brushes along hers, and he notices that she's wearing one of his flannels.

"Hey, I know that shirt."

"It's from the time we got caught in the rain. I was going to give it back."

"Nah. It looks good on you." He whisks a non-existing lint from her shoulder. Yes, coming home to Carter in his world, in his shirt, is a scene he wants every day for the rest of his life, and maybe now it's time to admit it.

"Should we order pizza?" She is looking at him with more questions in her eyes than the one about dinner, but it's the only one that crosses her lips.

"I bought some stuff on the way here. Thought about making a stew my aunt used to make. It works wonders on days like this."

Surprise flickers over her face, quickly followed by relief. Only now he realizes how much she had risked by coming here. Not just tonight but also last time—pre-break-ups, before her father's death and the almost-apocalypse. Him planning to cook a proper dinner seems to answer at least one of the questions that are burning in her.  
"No steak?"

"I only serve burnt meats when I want people to leave eventually." It is meant to answer more than the obvious, and when she smirks, he knows it does.

Like many things they do, cooking together is effortless and in a strange way symbiotic. And for the first time, physical contact doesn't have them jolt apart. No, it's quite the opposite. The first touch is a mere coincidence. Her shoulder bumps against his when she steps to the sink to wash her hands. From then on, they become part of the recipe.

Dice the onion. Brush her arm.

Cut the carrots. Feel her hand on your shoulder as she moves past you.

Add the beef. Touch the small of her back when you reach for a spoon.

Stir frequently. Let your finger lingers on hers when you take the spoon from her hand.

Let simmer for 30 minutes. Hell, this has been simmering for nearly eight years, and Jack finally wants to get a taste of it, but this is not the moment to rush things. He is still not even sure what this is; he only knows that if it keeps going the way, it is he won't be able to go back from here. Back to a workday when they pretend none of this happened, and they are just co-workers again. He watches her as she navigates his house and sets the table as if she'd done it many times before. There's a rogue expression on her face—the one she fashions when she disregards orders or blows up suns, and it makes him think that everything about this evening feels like either an end or a beginning. There's no clear line to draw on what either or means. An end can be a beginning and vice versa, but at this point in his emotional state, he needs one or the other. Closure, you might say.

The stew tastes nothing as he remembers. How could it? After tonight's cooking session, the innocent dish aunt Pheeps used to make is loaded with so much sexual tension that he can probably never eat it again—unless with Carter. Besides, he's really trying to ignore the sexual part because even without it, there's enough tension in the room that you could slice it like a dense cake.

"Area 51 offered me a job as head of R&D," Carter mumbles with a piece of meat in her mouth. Jack's reaction is slow and tells her everything. "You knew they want me?"

"Of course. They are trying to get you for years." He looks up from his plate and watches how she keeps eating casually as if she is talking about the weather. "They approached you directly?" Jack says. It's not a violation of any rules, yet he thought he had made pretty clear that the destiny of planet earth, heck the universe, was dependent on Carter being in the SGC.

"Not really. I was testing my market value." The glance she throws him over the next spoon of stew she's scooping into her mouth is as insubordinate and challenging as Carter looks can come.

"Well," he declares and raises to full posture. "Your market value was 'over my dead body.'"

She smirks, and he doesn't know where she takes this mischievous grin from after losing her father, her best friend, blowing up her engagement and almost being blown up by some evil Goa'Uld all in one week.

"That's a high price," she says in that playful, flirty tone, but he can see beneath it. It's one of Carter's fine shows she has perfected. Just that this time, he won't let her off the hook because this time he is not protecting himself from what might come next.

"You are worth it, Carter," he whispers in just the same tone from the Zar'Tarc testing—the first time he confessed he would die for her. The realization that after all those years, after all that happened between them, those words still hold shatters her pretense and stripped from the role she is playing, there's nothing but openness.

"I'm going to take it."

Jack is so schooled in only allowing the innocuous thoughts that float on the surface of his mind that he can't dive deeper into where his wishes and hopes and longings are drowned. So he thinks that she is taking the job because she wants to be closer to Cassie. That she needs to start all over after her failed engagement. That maybe after defeating their enemies, she's finally done with all this loss and pain and hurt. He thinks that she's making a mistake because her career is prosperous.

"Are you sure about this? You finally have your own team, you can make a full bird Colonel in no time," Jack says for lack of something smarter to say.

"Someone once told me to get a life. And I think he's right."

"Carter, I don't doubt that you will do fantastic over there. You'll invent doohickies that are going to save our sorry asses. But you are too much of an adrenaline junkie not to miss gate travel and kicking evil alien butts." He's talking himself into trouble. Every word that crosses his lips is a contradiction from what he really wants to say. It's his very last attempt to stop this avalanche of emotions before it will pick up in speed and carry away whatever it comes across.

A smile tucks on her lips. It's the sort of smile she wears when Jack is slow to grasp what's happening. "Someone once told me to get a life. Last time I tried, it went horribly wrong because I didn't go for what I really wanted," Carter says, pushing her hand over the table, so her fingers touch his and send sparks throughout his body. His inner voice is suddenly very silent, and when he opens his mouth and words come out, it doesn't sound like his voice. "And what do you want?"

Taking a huge, bracing breath, she says, "This."

She squeezes his hand.

"Everything ended. The war with Gou'Uld. The fight with the Replicators. SG-1. Relationships. Lives. But not this."

She squeezes his hand again.

"This never ends. And I'm done feeling miserable about it."

Somehow Jack manages to not explode from happiness and years of pressure that's been building up in him. He turns his hand in hers and starts stroking his thumb over her skin.

"I was never a fan of feeling miserable."

She smiles lovingly before her face turns serious. "Do you still want this?"

Jack was naive to believe he wouldn't have to give away what he is feeling. It's not that he doesn't want to—heck he wants to scream that he loves her from the Cheyenne mountain top and precisely that's why he's afraid of his feelings. This is everything Jack has ever hoped for. Everything he has never allowed himself to believe would ever happen. Now with the possibility within grasp, daunting thoughts loom in the back of his mind. But her hopeful face shoos them away, and he says, "I always have, Carter. Always."

Repeating the words he had whispered earlier is the easiest thing he has ever done. Doubt is gone. They made it this far. They would manage everything that would come next.

Slowly they drift into a conversation. About Cassie and Nevada. About her father's funeral and Daniel. About what the SGC will do now that the Goa'Ulds are defeated. They don't lose a word about what this decision means for them. Baby steps after this huge leap. Jack is glad there is this table between them—a barrier that prevents them from making more decisions for now. Words are said, actions are missing, and the prospect is exciting and daunting all at once.

Somewhere from far, a phone rings, and Carter's eyes widen.

"Shit," she curses and jumps up. "I was supposed to pick up Cassie from the airport." She's in the hallway, slipping into her jacket, checking her phone. Within seconds she has picked up momentum, a pace that looks much more familiar on her than the earlier calmness. When Sam swirls around and spots Jack standing in the hallway, leaning against the wall watching her, she comes to a stop.

"Sorry. I wish I…"

"It's okay," he cuts her off. And it really is. Just because they might change things between them, they don't need to change.

"Thank you. It was a very nice evening." Carter says, and he is surprised how quickly she has changed from his 2IC to a woman acting like he is not her boss but something entirely else. His desires and wishes in flesh and blood. Now that the table is not between them anymore, he becomes painfully aware of their bodies. Of the energy that's there—that's always been there and that he can finally acknowledge. Carter smiles with a soft redness that draws down her neck and disappears in her sweater. She is about to turn around and open the door when he calls her back.

"Carter," Jack says with a raw voice. His heart starts pounding in his chest as if it wants to break free to meet hers. Before this can happen, he takes a step closer to her and crosses a lifetime of professional distance. His eyes sink into hers, and he starts falling. It's like they are not in his hallway anymore but in freefall from the edge of the atmosphere. They tumble through clouds of fear and air pockets of excitement. The last thought that crosses his mind before he's unable to form another thought is: _I'm going to kiss Carter._ And then he does. Jack strokes his fingers upwards Carter's arms and burrows them in the soft hair in her neck. Her breath tickles his skin. Her wide eyes pull him closer, and then his lips meet hers. It's a sweet, shy contact. A mere flicker of a kiss and yet the best Carter kiss ever. Because this one is a beginning. A promise of many kisses to follow. It tastes of possibilities and future, and Jack wants more of it but not tonight—they have the rest of their lives after all.

**Reviews keep me writing**


	36. New Threads

**New Threads**

_Missing scenes for "Threads"_

_I can't find an end to this story. It keeps writing itself. So here the promise for yet another chapter. They are going fishing after all, and Jack is not yet Head of Homeworld Security. Hope you enjoy this chapter—the reward for the suffering through the other chapters and their rollercoaster of a relationship. Oh, and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone._

* * *

"So, what did I miss?"

Daniel is buttoning his BDU jacket—green just like the rest of SG-1, which is fully accounted for in the infirmary where Dr. Lam just checked the reappeared Daniel while he told them about how Oma defeated Anubis.

By the way Jack inhales, Sam knows he's getting ready to blubber some joke, but before he can do so an airman comes in and says, "Colonel Carter, your brother, and his family have been picked up from the airport and are on their way to your house."

Daniel's eyes pop wide, and he ushers, "Oh god, Sam, is it your wedding already?"

A hot redness spreads on Sam's face in embarrassment about the memory that she almost went through with this charade.

"Uh, no. Ahm, actually..." She laughs nervously and can't stop her eyes from jumping over to Jack, who looks perfectly neutral. "It's canceled."

"Cancelled? Why? What happened?"

This is not a conversation Sam wants to have in the infirmary. She could obviously stick to the official version she's been telling family and friends. Her realizing that she would never be able to share a life with Pete in a way he wishes and deserves, but then it's Daniel, and he's going to see right past the kernel of truth in this story and understand the real reason. She could also tell him that her father had just died and save the longer conversation for some later point, but somehow she feels that's not fair to Jack. So Sam decides half-honesty has to be enough for now.

"My dad died. Three days ago. Selmak was sick, and fighting the replicators had cost her too much energy to leave my dad before it was too late. When I spent his last hours with him, I realized that I couldn't marry Pete." Sam pins her eyes to Daniel's to avoid looking at Jack. But then again, it's Daniel, and he looks from her right to Jack, where he must see a confirmation to the theory his brain has spun. But because there are other more important things he lets it go—only, for now, Sam is sure—and looks at Sam with all the pain she's feeling in her chest.

"Oh, god, Sam. I'm so sorry," Daniel says. He wraps his arms around her and mumbles into her shoulder, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

"It's okay, really," Sam answers with a forgiving smile and steps out of Daniel's arms. "The General was there for me." She finally allows her Jack-hungry eyes to dart to their object of desire. Jack smiles softly before his I'm-the-man-face slips back on.

"And now you should get out of here and meet your brother. Oh, and Daniel, you might want to find a place to stay tonight. We gave your apartment to Cassie…," Jack says, claps Daniel onto his shoulder, and with a last look to Sam leaves the infirmary.

"That's what you do when I disappear? You rent out my place?" Daniel quips and hooks his arm under Sam's. "Want me to come to meet your brother?"

* * *

The last few days have been a continuous drop—with two very essential ups that made Sam not get lost in the aching gap left behind by her father. One being Daniel's return and the other one Jack. The sight of the two men goofing around with her niece and nephew lift Sam another inch out of her sadness. Her father died a happy man, and to everyone's surprise, left a functioning family.

Karen laughs about something Jack O'Neill says, then looks over to Sam with a knowing smirk. Just like almost two years ago, she grabs two glasses of wine and walks over to Sam, who is sitting on a secluded bench in the General's backyard. They are holding the wake here. His house fits more people. Crucial, especially after more Tok'Ra and some Jaffa had announced their attendance and the wish to be part of the earthly ceremony. They blended in easily at the military funeral. Looking just like any other stiff Colonel or General. Here, in Jack's backyard, they seem a bit out of place. Even though or maybe because Anise blatantly flirts with cousin Craig and some Jaffa almost mistook Chip, Cassie's dog, as a sacrifice to the dead. Weird, intergalactic life-style.

"He's cute," Karen says, and Sam nearly chokes on her wine.

"It's not what you're thinking," Sam says when the wine is out of the wrong pipe.

Karen tilts her head and raises her eyebrows, and suddenly, she seems like one of the Jaffa.

"He was the reason you started dating Pete. So I'm pretty sure he's also the reason why you're not marrying Pete."

Sam sighs and then has to laugh.

"What?" Karen asks, amused.

"I guess I never thought of him as _cute_," Sam says and pinches her eyes. When she looks over to the cute General Karen is talking about, he's flinging Maggie into the air.

"But yeah, you are right."

Karen seems satisfied. "So, it's a thing now?"

Sam looks around, making sure no AirForce personnel or actually no one can overhear their conversation. "I think it is."

Sam can't keep her eyes from Jack, who is now talking to Marc. Years of being in the field together are undeniable when his eyes jump to her. He always caught her looking at him just never reacted to it like today because if Sam is not totally mistaken, he just winked at her. _Dear god. _When have they turned into love-blind fools?

"He and Jacob got along well, huh?"

Where Karen is taken this assumption from, Sam doesn't know, but she's right.

"Yeah, they both love dad jokes."

Sam laughs by the memory of some of their banters, and suddenly, tears mix in with that smile. Karen pulls her in a tight hug. From over the shoulder, Sam sees Jack's body tense and how his attention is almost exclusively on her now, but he stays where he is, watching with a caring eye.

"I'm gonna miss him so much," Sam admits. For the first time, she feels she can just let go. It's that magic of Karen. Karen makes Sam talk about her feelings for Jack O'Neill and now break into tears, even though Sam thought she had shed them all in the days before.

"I know, honey. But I think your dad would be happy to know that you're not alone."

Again Karen hits it right on the head.

_You can still have everything you want._

He knew all along. He had been there for some of their worst moments when it felt impossible to keep it together. He must have known.

Now Sam regrets that she pushed her father's worries aside so carelessly. She wishes he would know she is at least trying to go for what might make her really happy. So she promises herself not to get scared again.

Sam blinks away her tears, and when she can see clearly, Jack is moving towards them. Besides the night at his house and the one kiss—only its memory sends tingles through her body to tippi toes and fingertips, they haven't had a chance to talk or kiss or anything. And still, she knows that nothing has changed. Or better said: everything has changed for the better.

"Carter," Jack says with one of his warm looks and then turns to Karen. "Am I interrupting?"

"Not at all," Karen says and gets up. She places a hand on his chest, and Sam is in aw about how other women can do things like that without feeling court-martial breathing down their necks. Karen leans in a bit and says casually, "I won't tell anyone if you call her Sam."

A speechless Jack O'Neill is a rare sight, so Sam takes it in as long as it lasts. When he turns back to Sam, his face is schooled. He drops down next to her, appropriate distance and all, just a coy, "So, Sam," coming from him. "Your brother told me you're sleeping on base tonight because they are occupying your house?"

"Uh, yeah, I was planning to."

"You know, you could stay here," Jack says and then adds quickly, "I have a guest room."

"You think that's a good idea, with all the brass around?" She wants this to be easy after all the years it was not. Truth is, it's still against the rules until her transfer is through in two weeks.

"This is just going to make me look even dumber next to you," Jack quips.

Sam furrows her brow. "What do you mean?"  
"You know," he drags out. "Love makes stupid an all." A playful smile pops on his lips, and he gets up to chat with General Hammond, who is suddenly next to them as if the Asgrads just beamed him there.

_And blind too,_ Sam thinks.

* * *

Ironically something is calming about alarms going off in Cheyenne Mountain. Just a reminder that Earth is still turning, aliens still attack, and there is still work to do. Especially on a day like this—her last day at the SGC. What better sendoff than a final fire drill. She shouldn't be smiling really but can't help a girl with a serious need for adventure. Sure, there will be another kind of thrill when the Felgers and McKays of Area 51 present their newest developments.

As Sam turns the corner to the gate room, she almost runs over Jack. Oddly it seems he's been standing there. Casually waiting, if that wouldn't be the last thing one does when under attack. They sprint up the stairs to the control room, where Walter is hacking into the keyboard.

"SG-6 came back with a little souvenir," Jack says.

"We're locked out. I can't get the blast doors to open," Walter adds.

Sam jumps to the control computer and lets her fingers fly over the keyboard. Adrenaline is rushing through her body, making her more alert and...

"Carter, are you smiling?"

_Whoops._

It takes her 26 seconds to crack the block and open the blast doors. With every inch they raise, her anticipation grows. At first, she can see a pair of boots then another one and then legs, many legs. Crap, it looks like the invader is keeping the entire team hostage. Sam quickly looks at Jack, who patiently watches the blast screens to open. He's not even holding a gun. What the hell is happening? Maybe the General is compromised. He notices her glaring at him, and his face hardens, but the military-default won't entirely oust his lingering smile. Sam turns back to the gate room. The blasts are all the way up now, and she can see all of them. Daniel, Teal'c, Siler, Colonel Reynolds, Dr. Lee, Captain Hailey, even Dr. Lam are standing in front of the gate looking right back at her with stupid grins on their faces. What the hell? What kind of invasion is that? And then they move as if they are one. Lifting their right arms to their heads in a perfect salute.

"You lost your bet, Walter," Jack says as he steps next to her. "Under 30."

Self-defense-mode is still switched on in Sam, so only when Jack says, "Common Carter, it's your goodbye party." her inner blast doors open up. She huffs a relieved, disbelieving laugh, and then a big smile spreads on her lips.

Jack nudges her arm. "You believe they would just you sneak out?"

He heads down the stairs, but she can't quite move. Looking in all those faces causes a swirl of emotions. There are Siler and Walter, who are her second team here on base. How many nights has she spent with Siler fixing the gate or her motorcycle? Countless. Her glance wanders to Captain Hailey—the fearless force that reminds Sam so much of herself. Dr. Felger beams at her like a loyal puppy and wipes a tear from the corner of his eyes. Sam quickly looks away before he can get even more cheesy. No risk with that when she's looking at Colonel Reynolds and the rest of SG-3. She wouldn't be here without them. No one of SG-1 would. Her eyes wander to her notorious team, and a sweet-sour feeling rises. They've become her family. Daniel is her best friend. Teal'c an older brother and the one she would turn to when she felt like falling apart. With little words and a big hug, he had always patched her back together. Teal'c smileys warmly to Sam nods his head and then looks over to Jack, who's chatting with Daniel. Teal'c looks back to her, and now with something naughty in his grin. As if he knows the real reason for her transfer. Heat rushes into her cheeks just the moment Jack looks to her. He grins and then nods his head. Common, Carter, his eyes say, and this is the moment she knows leaving the SGC is ripping a piece from her heart, but she'll survive because her heart is finally not missing altogether.

* * *

Thirty minutes after Sam stepped out of Cheyenne Mountain for the last time—well, until Earth needs saving or the General invents an emergency only to have her fix his computer—she gets out of her car, tips back her head and takes a deep breath. The stars twinkle above her, and she takes her time to look at them. Between all the different alien skies, she forgot to appreciate the one that's always been there for her.

"Think those stars will be enough for a while?" Jack steps out of the dark next to her and follows her glance into the night sky. As all their conversations, this one seems trivial but comes with a litany of hidden meanings. None of it has anything to do with stars.

"It's funny. We traveled to all those planets and looked at new stars with so much excitement that we forgot how beautiful our own sky is," Sam says and lets her hand fall to the side, brushing along the back of Jack's hand.

"I hear there's good stargazing in Nevada," Jack says, his voice as casual as if they weren't talking in their secret language about her and him.

"Too bad I don't have a telescope."

"Oh, I know someone who can lend you one."

"Really?

"Yeah, but it's very particular. He probably wouldn't leave you alone with it."

"That's okay," Sam says, peeling her eyes from the stars and turning to the man with stars in his eyes.

"You are not my commanding officer anymore," Sam states as if this is new information.

"You can finally tell me what an annoying schmuck I am," Jack sways from one foot to the other. Nervousness radiating from him like she's never experienced it before. Of course, all well hidden under the cool-man-mask he is always wearing.

"I'm thinking something else," Sam says and turns to him so that their bodies almost touch. It's weird how she is not nervous at all. Excited, yes, but nervous? No. She has imagined this moment so many times, forbidden herself to think about it even more often. She's given up an engagement and her job for this. So even if this is maybe the most significant thing she's ever done—an odd acknowledgment for someone who blew up a sun—she is impossibly calm.

"You always had better ideas, so I…"

Sam interrupts Jack when she shuffles closer until they are only a wisp apart. She can watch his carefully built rampart break down as if only now, he is allowing himself to believe this is happening. Nevermind their conversation last week. Nevermind their innocent kiss. His always self-deprecating glint gives away to vulnerability when her fingers wander up his arm to find a nest in the back of his neck. He sucks in air, and the goosebumps on his skin send a trail of sensation down her arm. It's the last confirmation that tells her this man wants her like nothing else in his life. So she leans forward, bridging the last inches of rules and wars and honor that has held them back for so long, and kisses him.

Unlike anything about their surreal relationship, this kiss is surprisingly easy and light. And just like their relationship, they are taking their time. Sam curls her hand in Jack's neck and, as a response, feels him wrap his arms around her waist. He pulls her closer, not with force, but slowly, gently until she is pressed against his warm chest that gives away his exhilarated heartbeat. Sam smiles into the kiss, and Jack, never a man to let opportunities pass slips his tongue over her smiling lips and asking for entry.

Somewhere in the distance or maybe closeby, a car drives by, reminding them that they are still out on the street in front of his house. Not her CO or not, perhaps not the best spot to continue this. Jack ends the kiss with one to her nose. When he leans back, his eyes are dark and predator-like and make her giddy. He smirks then grabs her hand, pulling her with him to his house. Hectically he fingers the keys into the door, and when it finally swings open, he turns around to kiss her and lift her up in one move.

For the next hours, gravity is suspended.

* * *

His house looks like a tornado hit. A trail of clothing leads from his bedroom to the entrance. The grin on his face becomes almost painful as he picks up the lacy bra that finally drove him over the edge. With the bra between his fingers, he decides that cleaning up can wait, and so can breakfast. His world-famous omelet has been waiting for years to be made for Carter. One more day should be okay. Jack turns around with the intention to slip back into bed, but as he finds Carter sleeping in the morning light, in his bed, all peaceful—and most importantly naked, his movement suspends. He's watched her sleep a million times. Under alien skies, on the brink of death in alien prisons or brought back to life in the infirmary. There's probably no one else he has watched sleep as often as her, and yet this view is entirely new. Nothing of the usual alertness or pain, just a deep slumber with—maybe he's reading too much into it now, but no, there's definitely a smile on her lips.

"You know, you don't have to sit next to my bed anymore," she mumbles without opening her eyes.

Damn, she can even read his mind when she's not looking at him.

Jack slights next to her and presses his lips into the curve of her neck. A hum vibrates through her body, and she curls deeper into his embrace, kissing his hand, then pressing his palms against her heart. "Good Morning."

"Perhaps the best morning ever," Jack answers in between placing kisses across her shoulder.

Suddenly Carter starts moving in his arms. She rolls around, pushing him back and lands on top of him. "Oh, I think it can get even better."

She leans in to kiss him. Her hands digging into his hair and her body pressing so teasingly against his. This morning kiss awakens every last part of his body to full alert.

As always, Carter is right: The morning is getting better by the second.

Eventually, they make it out of bed. One more little incident in the kitchen later, they sit showered, dressed, and filled with eggs ala O'Neill in his car en route to Minnesota. A stupid grin is plastered to Jack's lips, and he's really trying to get his cool back before they meet the guys in his cabin, but even black-ops can't rep you for Samantha Carter.

He glances over to Sam, who is watching the ever merging landscape pass by. In the brought daylight, it suddenly feels more real. This is how he knows her best. Sun on her face, wind in her hair, only the P-90 is missing. A tiny detail that means a significant change.

Jack looks back at the street, trying to get control over the smiles, which is about to extend past his lips' capabilities. From the corner of his eyes, he notices Carter stirring and suddenly, without warning, her hand slips behind him and finds a place at the back of his head. Her thumbs start brushing his skin at a sedated pace. It's the most ordinary thing, yet little does she know what it means to him. From the backseat of his parents' car, he had watched his mom do precisely this to his dad. Seeing her massage his dad's neck had always given Jack a warm feeling, and one day, he had hoped he would be the one on the receiving end of this loving touch by the woman he loved. Sarah had never done it. And Carter just stretches her arm out, like it's nothing and curls her fingers in his nape. The smile on his face grows to Cheshire cat dimension, and he can't help himself but hum.

He didn't think it was possible to fall more in love with her. But as usual, Carter proves him wrong.

**Reviews keep me writing. Let me know if you don't want this to end. **


	37. Fishing

**Fishing**

_Missing scenes for 'Moebius'_

_Surprise, we're not done here. Enjoy._

* * *

"It's funny," Daniel says as he follows Sam through the forest. Behind him there's Teal'c and in the front Jack is leading the way. Just like on any other mission, on any other planet.

Sam suspiciously glances over her shoulder. She has been waiting for Daniel to say something. To allude in some way to the changes in her life and what they can mean for her and a certain General who's not her General anymore.

"What?" she sharpens her words slightly. Curiosity fair enough, but she's not going to have this or any conversation with Daniel about it. Maybe later, with the safety of a million light-years between them. When Atlantis is going to make it hard for him to enjoy their awkwardness. Because as happy as she is about making this huge step, it is awkward changing from Colonel and General to lovers. And it definitely doesn't need to be put to test by Daniel's scrutinizing look.

"We are on vacation and yet we're doing what we do when we go on a mission," Daniel answers and throws the branch he was using as a walking stick into the little river that runs next to Jack's beaten path. "You know, walk through the woods," Daniel adds.

Okay, she's seeing ghosts.

"How long has he been with us?" Jack says from the top of their marching snake. Sam can practically hear how he's rolling his eyes.

"What?" Daniel, the belly of the snake asks without reacting to Jack's obvious tease. "It's the same."

In some ways, yeah. But as Sam allows her eyes to wander a level lower than usual on her not-commanding-officer ahead of her, she comes to think of all the pleasant ways it's definitely not the same. Sam smirks by at the mesmerizing sight of two plump buttcheeks moving up and down. Before she can rip her eyes from this view, Jack peeks over his shoulder catching her with a satisfied grin.

_Oops._

Back to the conversation. Back to making sure they are staying away from this one particular conversation.

"When we're off-world the General, Teal'c and I constantly scan the environment for threats," Sam says, quite satisfied about casually weaving the word General into the sentence. She doesn't even need to look back to Daniel to realize that she made a mistake. She can practically feel Daniel grinning and then, so overly casually he says, "You still call him General?"

_Oh, for God's sake._

For a moment there she's out of answers. Then comes to the wishful thinking that maybe he's just talking about the fact that she and Jack are not working together anymore. That she could finally call him Jack—like now in her thoughts or earlier in the morning when they shared a quiet coffee on the jetty while Daniel was still asleep and Teal'c god knows where.

Daniel has caught up and now stares at her with undisguised pleasure. If Sam is waiting for some help from the man who's name is in question she's on the wrong track. Jack keeps his pace steady and without turning back he says, "Oh Daniel, you have no idea how that works for me."

So this is what being soaked up by a black hole must feel like. Escape velocity equals the velocity of light and because she pretty much stopped walking there's no way she can go from 0 to 186,287 miles per second—in pretty much a second. Even if she could, it wouldn't help because even light can't escape a black hole. So she's approaching the event horizon, the gate to oblivion where spacetime collapses around her. She took too long to neutralize Jack's comment with one of her usual rebuffs, which is like admitting to it. Daniel has stopped walking too and they stare at each other with equal shock. Sam from the idea of what Daniel is imagining now and Daniel from the images that wander through his head. As she watches realization wash over Daniel's face like an ice-cold splash of water, control over her body comes back.

Well Daniel, she thinks, that's what you get when you're fishing.

A naughty smile flutters over her face before she catches up with Jack.


	38. Equilibrium

**Equilibrium**

* * *

_Guys, here we are. The final chapter of this story. I had so much fun writing it, reading your comments and input. Thank you for staying with me. And since every end is a beginning, I'm thinking about a new story that follows Sam & Jack through what comes next. _

* * *

Jack stops abruptly when he notices where his feet have dragged him. Carter's lab. Just that it's not Carter's lab anymore. Major Cassidy, SG-2's new scientist, handpicked and highly recommended by Carter, is staring at Jack with wide-eyes, hastily ordering the few items on her desk.

"General O'Neill, Sir," Cassidy almost snaps into attention before remembering what Jack has told her in previous encounters, so the almost salute ends in a comedic head scratch. The young woman looks as pained as Jack feels. It's the fourth time he sleepwalked here, and judging by the wary look on the Major's face, he must have left a rather predatory impression.

_God_, he swears and then offers the first excuse that comes to mind. "Major. How are you settling in? Do you have all the, uhhh, thingies you need to, uhh, do… science?"

Good one, Jack.

He pushes his hands into his pockets and rocks back and forth on his heels, trying to make it look less awkward than it feels. It's not working. By the suspicious look the Major throws him, Jack realizes that he has used this excuse before.

"Yes, thank you, Sir," she answers sharply.

"Good, good," he says and looks around for anything that could be an actual reason for coming here. Just none of the doohickies mean anything to him, so the silence becomes longer, stranger and Major Cassidy more nervous.

"Well, I'll leave you to it then, Major. Looking forward to your report on...,"

Oh please, Jack thinks and then spins around and darts for the elevators. Access to Level 23 should really be deleted from his keycard.

As the elevator doors close, Jack lets out a long sigh. Six weeks since Carter left for Nevada. Six long, long weeks since they last saw each other. Sure, they've been separated for much longer, but that was before. Now they are in this exciting but also extremely confusing new place. It doesn't help that talking had never been their strong point, to begin with.

All they've had was one night in Colorado Springs, three days in Minnesota in separate bedrooms and with not much more than a quick kiss between fishing rods in the shed and then two more days without Daniel and Teal'c before she flew out to Nevada. A one-week-old relationship, overloaded with eight years worth of baggage and now 900 miles between them. He had never thought transitioning from Colonel and Sir to lovers would be easy, but not seeing her, not being able to read her little gestures and glances, is definitely not making things easier.

"Colonel Carter called, Sir," Walter says when he spots Jack climbing up the stairs to his office.

Sweet. Jack falls into his chairs; his mood already lifted. He reaches for the phone and hits the speed dial. Carter picks up on the first ring.

"Carter." Her voice is light.

"Hey, there," he says and feels like his body is straightening as if freed from a heavy load.

"Ah, the creepy General." The tease in her voice is coming through clearly despite thousands of miles of cable between them.

"Cassidy?" He slumps back into his chair. He didn't behave for years around Carter only to get dragged into a fraternity case because he accidentally stalks a Major who happens to work in Carter's office. That's going to be a hard one to explain to any JAG.

"Don't worry. I assured her you're harmless. Just really interested in the newest scientific findings, so she should make sure to be as elaborate as possible in her reports and briefings."

If Carter didn't sound so damn happy about her payback, he would consider putting on his I'm the man voice. "Great. Thanks, Carter. Ba'al could learn a thing from you."  
"What?"

"It's double torture. Science, but not from my...," Jack quickly glances out of the window, making sure no one is about to burst in. "...favorite scientist."

She laughs, and Jack feels a smile sneak up onto his lips. Carter-laughs work wonder—in long meetings, Goa'Uld prisons cells and from miles away.

"Well, I just finished a report on the hyperdrive of the F-304," she says and starts to rattle down a few numbers. Jack leans back and closes his eyes. The sound of her voice carries back the memories of her face during briefings, of the slightly excited flush on her cheeks, the glimmer in her eyes, the insubordinate glance she threw him when he drifted off…

"Jack?"

_Whoops. _

"It's just not the same over the phone."

She falls quiet. Jack's not sure it's a good sign. They fall into old patterns sometimes. Affection often the trigger for silence. But then she says, "What are you doing next weekend?"

"Oh, you know, annoying Miss Jenkins with the smell of burnt meats," he says, hopeful for what that smart brain of hers has concocted.

"I bought plane tickets," she casually says as if spending an entire weekend together wouldn't be the biggest deal in the universe.

_Okay, O'Neill, play it cool._

"Any place specific?"

"Perhaps."

If Daniel popped by now, he would see a stupidly excited grin plastered on Jack's face.

"Cool."

"Yup."

Who would have thought that their usual means of communication, aka speaking without many words, would work that well over the phone? Just then, when Jack thinks he's going to need at least ten minutes before this grin subsides and he can step out of his office again, the alarm goes off.

"Gotta go. See you Friday then?"

"Ya sure, you betcha."

* * *

It's a staredown over the last slice of pie that sits a bit lopsided on a tray in the commissary. Jack has his hands on it already, but Daniel is equally holding onto it with the pure force of his eyes, which sit in two dark holes, sleep-deprived and a bit bruised too. He's just come back from a mission with SG-9. Some archeology dream job that took a rather unfortunate turn when they encountered the locals. Let's say Unas are cute lapdogs in comparison. After a missed radio contact, Jack had sent SG-3 to Daniel's rescue, and now here he is, not a little bit defeated but challenging Jack to a duel over the last slice of pie. But you know what, Daniel? Take it. Cake is just an irrelevancy considering that tonight, after eight weeks, Carter is coming home. So Jack let's go off the cake and leaves a surprised Daniel with his new won pie. There's a much better dessert on a plane from Nevada right now, and Jack has to try quite hard to conceal the thrill of anticipation. Daniel sits down on the other side of the table, suspiciously glancing at Jack, who's trying to pretend that everything is just as always. After a few bites in silence, Daniel says, "You are in a surprisingly good mood recently."

It sounds all casual but has Jack's alarm bells ringing. Daniel is onto him. And that's dangerous because under no circumstances is he going to share even the tiniest nanosecond of his Carter-time with Daniel.

"I'm always a ray of sunshine," Jack says and takes a sip from his coffee to hide the traitorous smile that is sneaking back onto his lips.

"So," Jack says, ignoring Daniel's eye roll. "Are you going to talk Hammond's ear off about the upcoming trip to Atlantis?"

Of course, that gets Daniel going. It's so easy to distract him and lead him to much safer grounds, just that Jack has now to listen again to the monologue he has probably heard three times already. But it's less torture this time because little does Daniel know that Hammond has long approved his request to join the expedition, and the only reason Jack hasn't told him yet is that Hammond really deserves to suffer at least once through Daniel's endless elucidation.

Daniel suddenly stops talking, and Jack realizes that his lips are smiling again. How did that happen? Perhaps when he thought about Carter landing in an hour and how he would…

"You would tell me if Sam was coming, right?" Daniel says, boring his eyes into Jack.

"Of course," Jack says. "You would get a memo. Just like the one that told you, Hammond was coming on Monday."

"Jack!"

Nope, they're not officially admitting to it. Yet.

* * *

He knows things have changed, and yet, Jack can't help himself but be startled when he finds her sitting on his roof looking through his telescope. The moon shimmers in her hair, makes it almost silver, and reminds him of one of the few easy missions. When they sat under an alien night sky, silently, simply enjoying each other's company. He had always wanted to touch her moon silver hair, and now he finally can. But before he can step closer, she turns around and gives him a bright smile.

"Hey," Carter says, just a little bit shy and a little bit nervous. It's adoring, especially since he likes to believe that when she was flustered like this before, it might also have had something to do with him.

"Sorry I'm late," Jack answers and is suddenly all nervous himself. Eight weeks is a long time. And they hardly had time to get used to this new thing between them, so it's easier at first to fall back into old behavior. Nothing of the unleashed welcome he had imagined it would be. Just cute and shy and so not like him but then again, so much like them.

"No worries, I let myself in," Carter says with a wink.

"Those lock picking skills come in handy?"

"Actually, Miss Jenkins showed me where you hide your extra keys."

"Ahhh." Of course. Miss Jenkins must have sensed Carter the moment her feet hit the ground of Colorado Springs. She must be jazzed about finding Carter in front of his door, and Jack's just curious about the fuzzy excuse she's going to bring up next time she knocks, or worse stands right in his bedroom. He wouldn't be surprised.

"Are you sure she's not working for the NID?" Carter quips.

"I run a background check on her," Jack answers, and then they stand there, not knowing what to say next, let alone do next. It's ridiculous really, so he reaches out for her while she steps forward, and they bump into each other in an awkward hug. She huffs a peal of quiet laughter but then relaxes into his arm, and suddenly it feels much easier. Less thinking, more doing, that's always been his recipe for success. Jack digs his nose into her hair and pulls her closer. God, has he missed her. Carter shifts slightly in his arms and turns her head up to him, and then she's kissing him, and Jack can't imagine that he was ever able to exist without that—without her. He's kissing her back, increasing intensity, pulling her closer to his body, letting his hands wander down from the appropriate shoulder area to the much more exciting one of the soft skin under her shirt. Her hands are equally explorative and have slipped under his jacket, sliding up his sides. He's reacquainting himself with every inch of Carter-skin when she freezes and says, "Miss Jenkins is watching."

His body is humming loudly from joy, so he doesn't hear her first. Only when she pulls back slightly does he notice that somehow he has opened the buttons of her shirt, and her exposed skin glistens almost white in the moonshine. If they are upsetting (or exciting, he's not so sure about which one) his neighbor, it's really nothing he has any capacity to care about now.

"We'd better make it a show then," he whispers in her ear and feels a shiver wander through her body as a response.

"Inside, General. Now." Carter growls in a voice he's never heard before.

Oh yeah. Daniel has no idea just how much _General_ out of Carter's mouth is working for him.

* * *

Jack's just glad that he was the first itch Carter needed to scratch when she arrived. Well, they scratched it more like four times, but hey, who counts? Now she's out on her Indian. Whizzing along some empty highway. A thought that makes Jack all itchy again. As he walks towards his back porch, balancing a plate with meat and two bottles of beer (he's got to make good on annoying Miss Jenkins with some extra well meat smell), it knocks.

"You know it's open," he yells. Kind of pleased that—relationship or not—Carter still plays Mrs smartypants when it comes to things like locking your front door. Jack doesn't even care to wait for her and keeps walking towards the backdoor when an unexpected voice surprises him.

"Hey Jack."

Jack shifts slightly and there on this beautiful Saturday morning, just hours after he rolled off Carter, stands General Hammond.

"General." It's instinct really, reverting to his title. He feels like a little boy about to be caught by his dad doing something he shouldn't be doing.

"Sorry I'm dropping in on you announced," General Hammond says with a smile.

Jack drops the plate onto a table but holds onto the beer, glancing to the door before he steps towards George to give him a friendly hug.

"I didn't expect you before Monday," Jack says.

"I flew in yesterday. Meet some old friends, check-in on the house, you know."

Jack's head bobs up and down like some muscle in his neck isn't quite working. Ironically this situation has a lot of similarities with not even three months ago when Carter showed up at his house.

"Got a coffee for me?" Hammond says.

Carter can come back any minute. This is not how he wants their relationship to become public. It's too early, and quite frankly, he's afraid it's going to remind Carter of all the reasons why they didn't commit to their feelings earlier. But then again, there's a perfect explanation why Carter will show up at his house: she was taking her bike for a ride. It's not that she's walking in on Hammond dressed only and barely in Jack's old shirt.

Jack nods to the sofa then heads to the kitchen to make some coffee. Once they are settled, and past the common pleasantries, Hammond gets to the point.

"We've been working together for almost nine years, so I didn't just want to spring this on you on Monday."

Jack stiffens. So this is not a friend just dropping by.

"I'm stepping back as Head of Homeworld Security," Hammond says. "I'm retiring."

As usual, Jack falls into joke-default while his brain is trying to ignore what that news paired with Hammond's surprise Saturday morning visit means. "I told you this desk job was going to be a nightmare. Dealing with those politicians who are worse than Goa'Uld. Wearing your dress blues everyday all day…"

"You will get used to it," Hammond says, but Jack keeps going.

"It's bad enough behind the desk at the SGC, but at least you get a whiff of adventure and stray shots here and there in the gate room but in DC…"

Suddenly it hits. It feels more like a punch in the gut and not at all as a promotion should feel.

"Wait a second. You will get used to... As in…"

It can't be. They just got out of the direct chain of command, and now he's supposed to be the boss of all of them?

"They want you as new…"

"Do you want another cup of coffee?" Jack gets up and grabs Hammond's cup from the table. It's still full. He stares into the black liquid looking at the reflection of his face. Where's that dumb happy smile he saw there just an hour ago when he brushed his teeth with Carter doing the same right next to him?

"Jack," Hammond's voice jolts him out of his thoughts.

"Maybe a whiskey?" Jack glances at his watch. It's 11:30.

"Jack, they want you…"

Jack considers plucking his fingers into his ears and lalala, but before he can do so, Hammond finishes his sentences. "They want you as the new head of the department of homeworld security."

He wonders what greater cosmic balance is at work here. Maybe he and Carter just can't be together for the sake of the universe. He rubs his hands over his face, decides against a whiskey, and for another joke. "I didn't expect anyone would ever want me as head of something. As face maybe. I was told I have a good jawline." He tries a flattering smile, which won't quite work.

Hammond is smiling brightly as if this just another one of Jack's hard-to-get. But when he watches the younger man, noticing how there are frustration and something else hardening his features, the smile subsides.

"I know a desk in DC isn't your dream job, but it is the front line of defense for the Stargate Program. It's where we fight the internal battles to protect our teams so they can protect the world," Hammond states. Of course, Jack knows. Of course, Jack wouldn't be super excited about the job under other circumstances, either. But if it weren't for Carter, he would joke a bit more and then follow orders. But he can't. Not now. Not after finally feeling peace in his heart.

"I'm honored, General. But there must be someone else."

"Of course, there is. Wolsey has his own idea of a perfect candidate. But you're the only one that understands what it means to fight those battles our teams are going into. You are the only one who knows what the SGC needs."

Jack reconsiders a glass of whiskey, but he doesn't need anything to bolster him up. It's quite simple.

"Sorry, George, but I'm not your man."

"I can keep going with the flatteries if that's what you need to hear," George says, an attempt to lighten the situation. He watched the man in front of him in the most challenging situations, and the look he has on his face now reflects the one he had in moments like near self-destruct.

"Is this an order?" Jack asks.

"Well…" Hammond confirms what Jack knew all along.

"I can't do it. I'm sorry."

"And you're not going to tell me why?"

Of all moments, this is one Jack hears the churgle of Carter's bike. How it comes closer and louder and then dies out altogether. He visualizes her pulling off her helmet, kicking down the stand in one move. He can hear her boots on the ground, and next thing, the door opens. As always, Carter has impeccable timing.

"General." She freezes in the doorway, her eyes darting back and forth between Jack and Hammond.

"Colonel Carter," Hammond gets up, and the look he throws Jack is all-knowing. There's no way they can fool him. But Carter wasn't Carter if she didn't immediately adapt to the situation and find a way to save their asses once again.

"Good to see you," she says with a genuine smile that makes Jack wonder how often she had lied to him. "I was just dropping my bike off. The General lets me park it in his garage while I'm Nevada."

She turns to Jack and says, "I just need the keys, Sir and I can put it back in."

It's scary how quickly she falls back into the good-soldier-routine. Jack should add something to complete her story. Make it bulletproof. But he doesn't want to deny this anymore. Eight years with feelings. Four unbearable. He almost lost her to his military duty and another man.

"Sure, hope no cop is on your tail."  
_Oh, what irony. _

Sam throws him an annoyed glance that Hammond doesn't catch.

"Well, it was good to see you, Sir. If you are not busy, we're having a team dinner tonight…"

Jack isn't sure anymore what's pretend and what's real. Did she really plan dinner with Daniel? Royally no to that.

Hammond nods seems to buy her story and when she says that she's got to go to meet Daniel, and thank you again, Sir, for hosting the bike, Jack wants to grab her and press his lips against hers, maybe dip her, to show Hammond once again, this time without an all resetting time loop, that he loves her.

Carter is almost out of the door, the grand revealing averted, when there's another voice coming from the back door.

"Mister O'Neill."

_Miss fucking Jenkins. _

"I made cinnamon buns. When I let Samantha into your house yesterday evening, I thought to myself: I should make those two some cinnamon buns. They will probably be busy with other things than making breakfast."

Miss Jenkins walks into his living room through his back door, carrying a plate of, in all fairness, delicious looking, cinnamon buns. She smiles brightly at them, pleased to find an even bigger audience than expected.

Carter has turned to the brightest red Jack has ever seen on her, and there's no way Hammond is going to understand this situation wrong anymore. Jack's confused by the almost pleased smile on Hammond's lips, but right now, his first order is to get Miss Jenkins out before she can make things even worse.

"Miss Jenkins, let me show you my front door. The usual means of entry and exit if you visit a house that is not yours." Jack takes the plate of buns—you should never punish pastries—then navigates Miss Jenkins towards the front door.

"Can you believe they finally found together? I had almost given up on him," Miss Jenkins manages to say to Hammond as Jack escorts her past him and even gets in a good dig into Jack's ribs.

Once the door closes behind Miss Jenkins, Jack takes a deep breath before turning around, not knowing what to expect from either Carter or Hammond.

This woman is going to be his death.

Slowly he shifts and first looks at Carter, who's still incredibly flushed even by her standards, then to Hammond, who simply grins. Jack claps his hands and says the first thing that comes to mind, "Cinnamon buns anyone?"

* * *

"You know, two cinnamon buns and a slice of chocolate cake might not be the best diet when you sit behind a desk in DC instead of wandering through the SGC," Carter says with a mischievous grin.

They've actually made it out alive and are now sitting in Carter's favorite coffee shop. Once Miss Jenkins spoke the truth, and Hammond's look had said something like dare to elaborate, Carter had said it out straight. Steady, confident, happy: The General, Jack, and I are in a relationship.

Apparently, this was not a problem to Hammond and almost a relief because, yes, even though Jack would be the head, he wasn't her commanding officer with General Hughes as commander of Area 51 in between. And especially since their relationship started before Jack would take command, no problem at all. So in Hammond's mind, Jack could just take the job as head of homeworld security so he could finally retire. Just for fun, Jack told him he would think about it over the weekend.

"It's a special occasion, Carter," Jack says and shoves the last spoon of chocolate cake into his mouth.

Carter rolls her eyes and smiles at him. Jack is still glad she hasn't changed her mind. Secretly starting to date is one thing. Telling others that they are a thing now, something else.

"That makes me think, I should get some to go, Miss Jenkins had a point." He gets up, letting his hands wander along her shoulders as he squeezes by to get some other baked goods for breakfast. That's much quicker than making eggs, so they have much more time for other, much more pleasant things. Judging by the bright smile of the waitress, he must be smiling himself. DC or not, there will always be another challenge in their relationship. Nevada had always been just an interim for Carter, at least in Jack's head. So it was only a matter of time before things would change again. Perhaps not as quickly as they changed now, but being the head instead of the man came with some perks like regular visits to Area 51. And let alone in the past six weeks, Carter flew to DC once. So maybe this all meant more Carter-time, and he didn't even have to share with Daniel.

With a bag full of croissants and an even brighter smile on his lips, Jack walks outside, where Carter is waiting. As he steps into the bright daylight, he spots Carter hugging someone. He isn't quick enough to stop and turn around and make a run for his life because as Carter moves out of the embrace with Major Cassidy, his stalking-victim spots him. The young woman immediately stiffens, her smile subsides, and there's something like 'Oh what a coincidence' on her face when she looks at him.

"General O'Neill," she says and throws Sam a conspiratorial glance. Carter turns around and chuckles when she finds Jack staring helpless into her direction.

"Major," Jack says and quickly slips his shades over his eyes. This work-relationship was doomed from the moment Cassidy moved into Carter's lab. But for the second time today, Carter is the rescue team he needs. She spins around, steps next to him, and grabs his croissant free hand.

"It was good to see you, Tara. But we've got to go. I'm only here for the weekend." Carter says with a wink, then pulls Jack forward towards his car.

"I'll call you when I'm back in Nevada," Carter hollers over her shoulder.

Jack can't help but turn around. Cassidy's face is wide from surprise, then the AHA pops in her brain, and Jack can practically watch her puzzle it all together—almost as quickly as Carter would have. She huffs a smile and says, "Can't wait, Sam. See you Monday, Sir." And for the first time, when Cassidy speaks to him, it doesn't sound like she's going to report him any second.

Jack and Sam get into the car, but before he starts the engine, he turns to Carter and dives in for a kiss. Just to make sure there are no misunderstandings left.

**End.**


End file.
